Friday, July 25, 2008

Tonic Water

So I was on the internet doing things like looking for "The Awesome" and sometimes checking out what time the movie I want to see is playing at, when I came across some pictures of Tonic Water glowing under blacklight. 

Things that glow are generally awesome (The 80s, LaserQuest, Tron…) and it was with that in mind that I decided to get hooked up with some Tonic Water.

Dayglo Abortions had a song called “Two Dogs Fucking” here’s the chorus:

it was two dogs fucking

stuck ass to ass

entwined in bestial romance

I only mention it because the name of their band has “GLO” in it, so it’s relelvant.

I’ll level with you, I haven’t had tonic water since I stopped mixing it with gin when I quit drinking years ago and don’t recall ever drinking it by itself since.

Let me tell you, I wasn’t missing out on anything special. Tonic water tastes like somebody farted in the bath and bottled it.  It is putrid.

It only meets one of the multiple criteria to qualify it as “soda”: carbonation. Bubbles are important but a flat Coke is better than a fizzy Tonic Water any fucking day of the week.

Apparently the shit that makes it glow is called Quinine which as far as a I can tell is comprised entirely out of spousal abuse and shitting yourself in front of mixed company.

This drink sucks.

The only cool thing would’ve been if I had a blacklight but who the fuck has a blacklight unless all you do is smoke weed and listen to Orange Goblin all day.

To sum up: Tonic Water go fuck yourself. You are a fuck and no one likes you. You won’t ever get a handjob that you won’t have to pay for and even when you do pay for "happy endings" you’ll refer to you dick as your “peter”.

You are a fucker. 100% garbage.

I’m not going to mince words, anyone who likes this drink wants to get a few fingers in his dickhole.

 Don’t ever drink this. EVER.

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