Saturday, September 27, 2008


Whenever I go anywhere, I am always inclined to try their hot dogs. Why would I want to try hot dogs that aren't hot dogs from Chicago?  I once got in an argument with this lady over NY versus Chicago Hot Dogs. NO contest, SORRY! She was from Brooklyn, so I couldn't understand much, and she was also in town because she drove her 17 year old kid to show off his Jordan collection for a documentary they were shooting and would not even TRY Chi-Style's. ANYWAY, there are MANY places in Chicago to score a Chi-town Style Hot Dog.  BUT, my favorite Hot Dog joint, the one that makes me feel that "Harold & Kumar satisfaction" is HOT DOUG'S, because not only do they have the best Chicago Style, they have gourmet hot dogs.

  It's self-described as the "sausage super-store & encased meat emporium." What that means is GOURMET Hot Doug's and complete satisfaction.

Along with having tons of different gourmet hot dogs named after celebrities, the selection of condiments exceeds all:

Mustard (yellow, spicy brown, honey or Dijon), Caramelized Onions,Relish, Tomatoes, Pickle, Celery Salt, Ketchup, Raw Onions, Sport Peppers, Sauerkraut, Spicy Giardiniera, Chili, & Cheese.

Here are a few selections of hot dogs with descriptions:

The Trefor Proud-Irish Banger with Guinness Stout Mustard and Cheddar-Chipotle Cheese 

Spicy Thai Chicken Sausage- Sriracha Mustard and Sesame-Seaweed Salad

The Kobe Cinci Dog-Wagyu Beef Hot Dog with Yellow Mustard, Cincinnati Skyline Chili and Sharp Cheddar Cheese

Jamaican Jerk Pork- Sausage with Passion Fruit Mustard and Sautéed Plantains

Magical. I could go on about this place, but I have to say it is the one place I'll wait in line to eat at, and it's the one place where I wake up early, hustle on lunch to go to. More Info: Here.

Ritter Sport, Date Me

 I honestly can't explain the taste of Ritter Sport.  Spoiler turned me on to them, and FINALLY I was able to find a place in Chicago that sold them.  Now, the U.S. economy is fucking shit and we all know this, but what I didn't expect to find was paying nearly $3 for a Ritter Sport. Okay, fine, I am 100% completely fine with it, because for the taste, one can be satisfied in ways most people can't be satisfied.  

250g whole hazelnut, I couldn't even flickr a picture of the wrapper due to binge snacking:

Fast Facts:
  • 23% crunchy Levantine hazelnuts from Turkey
  •  77% of our classic milk chocolate
  • Fine Cocoa from Papa New Guinea
  • Cocoa Beans from West Africa
  • Fat in g-94,75

All the nuts are perfectly distributed, not like in Hershey's Almonds where you are lucky to get 8 almonds in a whole bar, or one per letter and you get ripped off for a huge portion of the chocolate bar. Not in this one, it's the Chanel of chocolates.  Chocolate Couture, hand picked with different cocoa flavors and perfectly distribution.  The throwback or "recession-proof pricing" version of this can be bought from the local softball team or "off-season" basketball husslin' these. The chocolate is so delicious, perfect. I am in love.  Fuck the U.S "recession." Ritter Sport is $3 a pop, gas is about $4.30. Snacks over gas. Also, peep their site, it's pretty swanky and cute.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Banana Split Creme Oreos

Oreos are pretty good and apparently Vegan but I don’t know for sure and don’t care either way. Fuck it, they’re Vegan. Go eat them Vegans. Also the new Angus Burgers at McDonalds are Vegan and so is everything at Outback Steakhouse.

I like Oreos. Just like. I’m not one of those fucking weirdos that thinks it’s the greatest cookie of all time. That honor goes to any of the Peek Freans Shortbread Cookies. The only “greatest” that Oreo has hooked up is their ice cream sandwiches. But their regular cookies are just decent.

On a recent excursion to America I procured a box of Banana Split Creme Oreos with the intention of eating 2 or 3 and laughing at how disgusting they were then pawning them off to anyone who was fool-hearty enough to give these a sampling. I had one and knew no one else was getting any.

This was like the first time I spewed forth mighty ejaculate from my pipi. I had the opportunity to have this previously but I never knew it was this fucking awesome. Now I’m all about giving myself orgasms and eating Banana Cream Oreos. Other pleasures I never knew were so awesome but tried and fell in love: Fresca, and sniffing my finger after scratching the meat of my anus.

Banana Split Creme Oreos taste like if you filled an Oreo with the banana medicine your doctor gave you after he put you to sleep and diddled you like a fucking maniac. The only way you cannot like banana flavoured penicillin is if you had allergies and wore glasses and loved to eat your scabs as a child.

Here’s the deal: Penicillin is good for you and Oreos may or not be Vegan which is good for you, so eat this healthy food or you will get cancer.

These are probably the most artificial tasting fruit flavoured things I’ve ever eaten in my life. But fuck it, if I wanted to taste something God made I’d eat bagful of hatred for gays and not allowing women to vote. God made Aids when he made Noah do it with a monkey so it probably means that eating actual bananas will force you to beat your son’s head in with a rock to appease Him (which I recommend).

God is a weird dude. He picked the name God knowing full well that if you jumble the letters around it spells dog and everyone knows dogs eat there own poop and make women get abortions. That’s like Kevin Spacey keeping the name Lou Sable Cablastlk knowing that his name was an anagram for Absolute Ball Sack.

This tastes awesome and you need to eat it because it will make you better at sports and getting excellent grades that your parents will be proud of. Not to mention it taste like fruit flavoured poison. Honestly its really good despite most of this review sounding sarcastic. I sincerely recommend eating this food.

Scotty Shows You How to Make Snacks In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched: PB Cookies

Alright Gentlemen,

Ever feel like there was the opportunity to get your ding dong rubbed up against but you missed the chance? Here's the solution: Roofies. You just slip a little in a woman's drink and her body becomes a playground for your pervert hands to run around on.

I'm kidding (but seriously it works). What you should've done was bake. Women love a man who can cook and make them all kinds of shit in the kitchen. It lets them know that when you get married they can get fat as fuck and watch reality TV on the couch while you do everything. Women love the prospect of getting fat more than they love complaining about their periods and being bad at video games.

If you're looking to get a woman's hopes up about you only to sneak out of her apartment in the middle of the night and never call her again after hours and hours of defiling her then I whole-heartedly recommend baking. It's like Spanish Fly, women cannot keep their legs closed for a man who can bake. Lucky for you this marks an exciting new feature at Snack Sabbath: Scotty Shows You How to Make Snacks In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched. I was going to show you how to make Snakes In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched but I didn't want to put my dick in a Viper.


Here's the bullshit you will need:
-1 cup of Peanut Butter (I don't recommend the kind of pb your grandmother eats where you have stir it back to life every fucking time you want toast)
-1 cup of Sugar
-1 Egg

-OPTIONAL (but recommended): Crushed up Reese Peanut Butter Cups or M&Ms. Any candy will work actually but gummy shit is gross in cookies and if you like it you should probably go back to your rave and wear your size 50 jeans and fuck with your glow sticks you asshole.

How to Make It:
-Preheat your oven to 400°F / 205°C.
-Mix your ingredients in a bowl.
-Roll up whatever size balls you want (this will determine cookie size, idiot).
-Place on a non-stick cookie sheet.
-Pop them in oven.
-Wait 8-10 mins.
-Take them out and serve.
-Refuse to wear a condom when you get busy.


And there you have it, the easiest recipe I know. If you can't make this then you're a piece of garbage and an A1 dickface and I highly recommend shoving things in your dickhole and trying to breathe under water.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Marble Slab Creamery

Your Iced Creams are fucking garbage.

There, it’s out in the open.  I know what you’re thinking, “shut up dickface I love the Blizzard at Dairy Queen, you don’t know anything.” Or occasionally “ My grandma’s homemade ice cream is the best”. Guess what fuckbag, Dairy Queen is for Child Diddlers (that’s pedophile for those of you who don’t speak Shakespeare) and your grandmother is a hooker.

I too had a deep lusting for subpar frozen dairy but it’s only because I was ignorant as fuck to what else was out there. Well this week I had the ignorance of my ice cream perceptions raped off with the mighty dick of The Marble Slab Creamery.

I didn’t even know this was a place like a week ago but now that I know it exists Heaven seems like a pay by the hour motel with crabs and abortion shame on the sheets.

I’ll be straight, this place is fucking expensive; the come-to for my old lady and I was just shy of 15$ which would be absolutely ridiculous to pay for ice cream if it wasn’t  so fucking amazing.

Essentially the premise of this joint is that you get your ice cream (Vanilla, Pumpkin, Birthday Cake etc.) then you pick your “Mixins” (Skor, Gummy Bears, Ding Dongs) and then they take both the ice cream (homemade daily by the way) and the “Mixins” (not homemade but individually wrapped which sucks for mother nature but is awesome for freshness) and then they smash the fuck out of them on a marble slab (hence the name of the place).

After the glorious mashing you get to decide what ice cream delivery vehicle you would like. They pushed the bowl on me but I’m no ones bitch, I knew ahead of time that a plain waffle cone was included and was not about to get fucked out of free food. I didn’t end up taking the plain waffle cone in the end but it’s the principal of the matter that chafes my dick. I ended up hooking up the Butterfinger waffle cone for a whopping 1.45$ extra. But fuck was it worth it. It’s a plain waffle cone rolled (inside and out) in crushed up pieces of Butterfinger.  It’s a diabetic’s nightmare.

I got: The Snickerdoodle which is Vanilla Ice Cream, a Snickers bar, and an ungodly amount of Caramel.

My Old Lady got: The Peanut Butter Crunch which is Swiss Chocolate Ice Cream, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Nestle’s Crunch

Hers was waaaaaayy better but mine was still head and shoulder above every other piece of shit mouthful of ice cream I’ve ever had.

Ups: Everything was fucking amazing. Unbelievably tasty.

Down: Price and my cone had little pieces of Nerds in the bottom which would rule  ordinarily but they were melted in and turned the last inch/inch and a half of my cone to an inedible, rock hard, multi-coloured disaster.

If you’ve been given the chance to eat this and passed it up, your foreskin is longer than your dick and you love to smell your own farts. Eat it or go fuck yourself.

Cranberry Juice

Ever wonder what the inside of your dick looks like? Well I don’t. Here’s why: Cranberry juice. Not only is this delicious as fuck but it’s good for the old cock tubes and junk.  So I know that my semen sewer is fucking top shape. I got the Alaskan pipeline between my legs thanks to this tangy fuck.

Also awesome: it’s the color of blood and mixes well with both club soda and/or vodka. 

I have no interesting story as to when I got into this beverage but it’s probably around the time I decided I didn’t want to piss chunks of cement out of my wiener opening. At any rate it’s awesome. It’s like if lemonade were made of blood and cock clump destroying enzymes (or some other science shit).

Cranberries are cultivated by drowning grass like witches and then shaking trees (thanks internet) and then they squish them and then add anti-oxidants. The end.

This review probably won’t make you want to drink this juice but you’re a pussy anyway and won’t even appreciate it unless you want to ease off the blood when you’re fucking with your Ouija board in the graveyard at midnight.

Drink this if you have a dick and/or are desperate to be a vampire but don’t want to commit all the way.