Thursday, October 30, 2008

Peche Gourmet Shoyo Almonds

The lobby of my building (at work) is the fucking mecca of snacks. They have everything: Cool Ranch Doritos, Ritter Sport, Zero Bars (refrigerated), and a bunch of other completely fucking freaked out euro chocolate bars with wacky shit like orange peel and zebra musk. They also carry the complete line of Peche Gourmet; a French Canadian company that produces generic candy (cherry blaster ripoffs, peach gummies...) and then packages them in the most boring bags imaginable. The only thing cool about the packaging is that they have this logo of a rotund child-devil licking his chops after feasting on the abortions of the white and wealthy. ***Please note the logo in the picture is of their old logo where the devil was chasing interacial couples off of public transit. They changed the logo because of societal pressures.*** This testament to French Canadian snacking also sells a delicious assortment of nuts. Now I've been know to chomp on some goddamn legumes every once in a while and today is no exception. I hooked up (as I do at least weekly) a delightful bag of Shoyo Almonds.

Now I know you're thinking "What the fuck is Shoyo?". The answer may surprise you. It basically stems from an old Japanese tradition where on Halloween, Demons from Azkata-Zu (the underworld) come to feast on the virginity of 10-14 year old girls. The demons (known as Onataro) steal a piece of the girls' virginity (called Domodonu) and take it back to Azkata-Zu to feed the horned beasts that pull the plows and harvest the crops. This causes the young girls to bleed from their vaginas. In short, the demons are what give Japanese girls their first periods. What Shoyo does is it places a force field over the girls' lady parts and keeps the Demons from giving them their fucking mensies.

It's either that or it might be raw soy.

So whatever, these almonds are fucking salty without having any salt on them. I think they bake the shoyo into them or use some kind of Asian voodoos to infuse that shit into my almonds because I can't realistically figure out any other way it could be accomplished.

These things are fucking yummy and will make women think I'm healthy and pull back my foreskin when I'm washing my ding dong.

I don't think I can recommend them because they're not meat, sugar, or synthetic in any way. These are just barely a snack. I don't even think if you were on a diet they would count as food just like cheating on your girlfriend doesn't count if it's with a dude or your eyes are closed.

If you're into almonds then buy these, they're like almonds times awesome. But if you're not then you can skip it. Actually don't, they're filled with Asian magics that will make you a lot better at math.

Japanese Magicks +1
Math +34
Snack +/- 0

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Ultimate French Vanilla Milk by Neilson

I picked this up shortly after reviewing the French Vanilla Milkshake, figuring it would be the next Neilson product of amazingness, the next French Vanilla OD, the next cool smooth Milk Shake Frenzy. Boy, was I wrong. I should have noticed this milkshake doesn't even say "Milkshake" at all. It just says "French Vanilla Milk". By the time I had downed half of this thing, and wondered why my mouth wasn't partying harder than a guy in the 1970s, which was when AIDS didn't exist, but the pill did, and acid was still good, and weed wasn't related to radio rap yet. And then I saw it. 160 calories. I remembered that the milkshake had 330. Fuck. This is once again proof that "calories" is an old word from a long gone language of cuisine chefs that translates, basically, to "FLAVOR COUNTRY". This thing is exactly what you would think it is: a flat, boring, stale version of the Milkshake. Basically, it's milk. Fucking milk. Cereal enhancer. But ooh, look, with a hint of "French Vanilla". Whatever. I used to love it, but now I'm not even sure what it is anymore. This thing fucking sucks. You have wronged me, Neilson. There is nothing Ultimate about this product. Well actually, since I now know 'French Vanilla Milk" equals "really boring and pathetic excuse for a milkshake" then yes, I guess this does qualify as the ultimate. Nice one, wise guys. Keep it up. Keep making jokes. We'll see who laughs when I... when... well I guess I got nothing. I'll just have another milkshake, please.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Coke Blak

Sometimes a thing is awesome and then adding something that is also awesome to it makes it different but awesome in a different way.

Here is an example of what I mean: Sometimes putting your ding-dong in a girl’s veej is awesome and sometimes peeing is awesome and combining the two is different but awesome in a different way. In case you can’t do the math let me math it out for you: PEEING IN A GIRL’S VAGINA IS HILARIOUS (and according to sex ed in grade 8 she can’t feel it until it runs down the inside of her thighs and butt crack; I asked).

Here is another more Snack related example: Coca-Cola is awesome and Coffee is awesome and combining the two is a different awesome in a different awesome way.  If you were a doctor of waking the fuck up at 6:00 am to go work at a puppy mill you would have invented your own combination of the two called “Dr. Puppy Mill’s Wake Up and Murder Some Puppies That Didn’t Sell Juice” but you work in a bank helping degenerates order new checks so Coca-Cola had to invent it for you. It’s called Coke Blak and I’m about to review the shit out of it.

The downside to this review (aside from the fact that we aren’t face to face so that I can scream it into your ugly, sweaty mouth) is that Coke stopped producing Coke Blak, deciding to sell off the remaining supply and call it a day.  That was in 2006. So basically after I fucking sell you so hard on this product you won’t ever be able to hook it up for yourself, which is pretty lame of me, sorry.

Coke Blak was never made widely available in Montreal. It was only ever made available at random locations for a period of about 2 months. I never saw any marketing campaigns for it around here ever and never heard anyone talk about it. It was the best kept secret of the cola world. It got a slightly bigger push in the states (where I first sampled it’s sweet caffeinated nectars) but still had a super short availability to the public. Bummer.

I can’t recommend this drink enough. I know the combination of cola and coffee doesn’t sound super appealing and I’ll admit the prospect of it didn’t get the blood flowing to my flaccid penis but after the first sip I was hooked. It’s delicious brown magic. It tastes like burnt marshmallows and black-tar heroin. It’s poison. It’s like drinking abortion shame and spying on your sister while she pees. It’s a cocktail of caffeine and self-loathing. This drink makes me fucking hate myself for loving it as much as I do. The combination of these two ingredients is vile and sour and oaky but I can’t help but mess where my bathing suit covers every goddamn time I have a sip.



-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome


Cons (and these are only cons if you are total baby with no pubes)

-Tastes like Demon afterbirth

-Will make you hate yourself in deeper and more profound ways than you ever thought possible

-Is fucking evil

-Is impossible to find anywhere

This video is an example of a lesser man's reaction

This drink is fucking awesome (see “Pros”) and if you ever see this anywhere drink it immediately then throw your pregnant mother down the stairs as the evil of this drink devours every part of your soul. This drink will fill your masturbation vault (or spank bank if you will) with images of snakes eating live sheep and owls ripping apart a field full of fetuses. This drink will ruin you. The only way you’ll ever be able to cum after you drink this will be when you’re pooping or beheading a neighbor.

Buy it on sight and send some to me. Seriously I will fucking paypal the shit out of you if you have any of this lying around.

Drink Coke Blak immediately if not sooner. It will rape everything good right the fuck out of your life.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

French Vanilla Milkshake by Neilson

The French Vanilla Milkshake is exactly what it sounds like. A fancier version of a regular vanilla milkshake with more arrogance and more class. While most milkshakes you buy at the gas station taste like melted ice cream, this is a beverage of a higher nature. It's thick, but not too thick. It tastes like dairy, but not too much. It's sugary, but too sugary, so even better. It has a delicious aftertaste that stays on your tongue until you take the next sip. It tastes so delicious that you want to take a huge chug, but at the same time you want to take tiny sips and take the time to taste them all. If you put the bottle to your mouth, and breathe in, you can smell the vanilla. You can smell the pure dairy. This drink makes you act like a total douchebag wine connaisseur. Hence the "French" in the french vanilla. Luckily, this thing is so amazing, it's totally worth it. It actually makes you feel good about yourself just drinking it. You can even be a gross longhair scumbag in a leather jacket, wearing a shirt of a monkey fondling a passed out chicks tits,

and still feel like a classy frenchman taking in art at the Louvre. Go on, embrace your inner moustache curling baguette eater, and indulge in this fine product.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Apple Danish by Cloverhill Bakery

I am typing this review on a sunday afternoon, while eating the reviewed snack in question, on my bed, while jamming "sabbath bloody sabbath". Life is good.

This Apple Danish has been a staple in my gas station snack shopping for a long time. I get really stoked on road trip stops or when I go buy snacks in betweens bands at a show and I find this bad boy. Most Couche-Tards (yes, that means retarded vagina) carry them proudly. The sheer sight of it is like christmas, but with less decorations and more sugar.

Getting back to Sabbath, the first taste of this Danish is actually very much like the first riff on the "sabbath bloody sabbath" album: instant gratification. You take a bite, and you're there. You don't have to wait for some aftertaste, or eat your way to some creamy center. It's just there for you, no bullshit. Like the song, it just starts. You take a bite, and if it's your first time, you will immediately be amazed at how soft this thing is. You're like, but it's a pastry! In a plastic wrapper! How is this even possible? Before you can even begin to answer that question (*) you are hit with a ton of the best flavors in the universe. You get the soft pastry, swirled with delicious cinnamon goodness, and the extremely sugary white stuff thrown all over the top. What's that shit called? Frosting? Who cares it's delicious and I don't want to use my brain for anything other than tasting, processing taste, and reporting it directly to you. There is also apple, which is really soft and cold and gooey. Oh man. I don't even know why it's so fucking good. They took an old classic recipe, and they just made it work. They put the perfect amounts of all ingredients (way too much) and it is awesome. No need to fuck around with it.

Now that I'm finished with this incredible snack, I am thirsty as fuck. I doubt that the Cloverhill Bakery makes any sort of beverage, since you can't bake a beverage, so this is not some crazy scheme of a danish to get you thirsty and buy more of their products. No, friends, this is a legitimately amazing snack that gives you an honest thirst. I do know that the guys and gals at Cloverhill make one other snack, it's always right next to the apple danish, so obviously I have never bothered to even see what it is. Sometimes a store will have only the other one, obviously because the apple danish is superior and sells out much faster. I get so bummed when this happens. I can spot the red and green logo of the apple danish miles away, and the other one is some weird pink or orange logo. I don't even want to know what it is.

Now that it's been a minute after devouring the danish (the snack, not the people - though that would rule!) I have calmed down slightly and can give some you some other interesting details. First off, this motherfucker has 420 calories in it. Holy shit! Now you know you are dealing with a real snack, not a woman's excuse for a snack. You know the kind, they have words like 'lite' or 'utter garbage' written on them. Besides calories, this guy also has 17 grams of pure fat. I'm not sure if that's a lot, but I'm going to go with yes. It does have 5 grams of protein, so you are pretty much getting jacked while eating this. Besides getting over three times as fat, that is, but let's not get difficult here. Oh, I have had some time to think of the answer to your question (*). It is fairly simple: Preservatives, preservatives, and more preservatives! All the good my body needs!

Holy fuck, I just noticed the package says, in fairly large lettering in fact, "Delicious Microwaved!". Man, I have never read that before. Well that's it from me, I am going to consume a beverage and then I am going to buy a Cloverhill Bakery Apple Danish and microwave the hell out of it. Updates will follow!

Note: I just wanted to state that I have eaten a Danish in Denmark. You can trust my deep knowledge on the subject.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Now Available

Free if you live close, postage if you don't.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


I like to drink Red Bull on occasion.  Usually when I do, vodka (Grey Goose) is involved.  These Red Bull reps were hanging around my campus and they were handing out Red Bull Cola.  Being a strict fan of Coca Cola and hating any other type of cola product I was skeptic, BUT I was running on 3 hours of sleep, so why not? 

Strong & Natural, my ass. Seriously, this shit tastes like flat-week old Coca Cola.  Fuck that.  It of course contains Taurine, but if I can't taste it, I don't want it.  Energy drinks make me feel hungover anyway, they make me shaky and nauseous.  I rather die of thirst than drink this.  Why would they market themselves as 100% Natural?  HELLO, WE LIKE ARTIFICIAL COLORINGS AND WE LOVE ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS.

G2 Fruit Punch

What’s exactly like singing the national anthem before a hockey game and the first time you jerked your dick off in your parents’ bathroom to a nudie playing card you stole off some dude in Home Ec class?

The answer shouldn’t surprise you at all. It’s drinking G2 Fruit Punch made by the fine people at Gatorade.

I like Gatorade as much as the next sex pervert but I’m not a “Gatorade Guy”. Everyone knows that dude. He’s the guy with the wrap-around Oakley’s always going on and on about electrolytes like a date rapist. The guy who goes to the gym before work and has a daily grooming routine that involves “exfoliating” and “washing”. But whatever, that guy will probably become a stock broker and develop a coke habit and then spend all of his client’s money on drugs and have to flee the country and do it with horses just to buy a loaf of bread and then he’ll clean up and go back to school and become an engineer and then he’ll work on building better elevators and then he’ll miscalculate and the elevator will plummet seven stories with him in it but he’ll survive but be paralyzed and then he’ll go the hospital and the orderly (who has a coke habit) will roll him over, face down into his pillow, forgetting that his patient is paralyzed and can’t roll himself back and then the former lawyer/recovering drug addict/engineer/paraplegic will suffocate and after he dies his muscles will stop working and he’ll poo a little but it won’t all come out in a tube-like cylinder because he’s still upside down and gravity is working on pushing his feces flat against his anus and cheeks.

I on the other hand do not wash my face ever. A real man grows a beard to alleviate himself of such trivial worries. A real man also poops exclusively in cylinder-like shapes. And as a real man I drink Gatorade because it has sugar in it and it tastes like what fruit would taste like if God didn’t vote right wing. Side note, God goes around to all the school dances and makes sure the guys and girls dance with their genitals at least 7 inches apart. To prevent grinding and boners.

So you can imagine my skepticism when I found out that G2 has half the calories and half the carbs that regular Gatorade has. Doctors and Geologists know that carbohydrates make a man’s peehole expand wider during orgasm to aid in the making of  “future abortions”. I typically like my wiener tube stretched passed conventional dong sizing but I gave it a shot anyway.

This drink is awesome. It tastes like Gatorade but doesn’t make me feel like complete garbage when I get to the end of the bottle. All flavour. No “sugar shakes”. You know the sugar shakes. The last gulp of a Gatorade (especially anything that comes in Red or Purple) that tastes like cough syrup and rat poison, the gulp that makes you squint and wheeze like you just choked down a shot of whiskey. That’s what bums me out the most about regular Gatorade but G2 completely relieved me of my pain. It’s tasty and sweet and unlike most “light” drinks, you know exactly what it is you’re tasting.  You can tell it’s what Gatorade thinks Fruit Punch tastes like and not a cheap imitation of what Gatorade thinks Fruit Punch tastes like. Sure it tastes fake, but at least it doesn’t taste like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.


-Delicious as fuck


-Ease of consumption (you could slam this down in one shot without tearing up from carbonation pains i.e. chugging sprite)

-Not super bad for you

-Makes girls think you’re into sports and/or own a horse and as a result they will fuck your boner.



-Healthier than regular Gatorade so people will call you a pussy and spit in your coffee when you go to the bathroom on your break at meat packing plant

- Makes girls think you’re into sports and/or own a horse and as a result they will expect you to go hiking and hiking is fucking bullshit unless there’s an episode of Battlestar Galactica and a steamy bowl of handjobs waiting for you at the end of it.

-The name of the drink has a number in it and that’s fucking garbage. Having numbers in the names of things that aren’t Police Academy movies is bullshit to the Nth degree.


In summary, this drinks tastes good and I will buy it again. You should also drink it because it tastes nice and it’s refreshing and will keep your dickhole within average human proportions (if that’s your thing). I haven’t tried the Orange flavour yet (it’s the only other one available in my neck of the woods) but in complete honesty I don’t like anything Orange flavoured unless it’s vagina or money I don’t have to spend on child support.

Drink up.


Put this in your signature so when you write "first post!" and feel great, people will know you actually are.

Coke Zero in Glass Bottles

everything exactly as described in the below post but for diet soda drinkers

Monday, October 6, 2008

Coke in Glass Bottles

Have you ever been drinking a Coke and thought to yourself “Wow, buddy, you’ve reached the top of the mountain of flavour”? Well then you’re a piece of shit orologist (look it up instead of reading The Secret and making a Vision Board).

Fact 1: Coke is awesome

Fact 2: It’s the greatest drink of all time. People say water is but Coke has water in it and it has syrup and you put syrup on pancakes and pancakes are better than water so ipso facto Coke is the best.

Hidden fact between facts 2 and 3: Sometimes if you pet your dog in a funny way near where his butt is he shows you his secret tube of lipstick.

Fact 3 (prepare to have your dick shoot right off your body): Coke is AT LEAST 37 times better out of a glass bottle.

Now that your cock has turned inside out and is smoldering please accept this simple truth: you have been missing out because you are a cheap fuck. I put off buying Coke in glass bottles because before I won the lottery and patented condoms for astronauts (they’re called Star Fuckers: for men who want to put their dick in whatever, in space) I was cheap as shit. But my former roommate and always friend Sweet Dee had his old man bring me four 20oz. glass bottles of Coke from the maritime fun zone of Prince Edward Island. Now I’m hooked. I cannot possibly get enough. I’ve made my girlfriend get numerous abortions because it wouldn’t be fair to bring kids into a world where they will be less loved than my cola.

That first sip of glass-bottled Coke had my pubes straighten the fuck out like my wang was a smooth ass pimp from the 70s threatening to cut you as opposed to stabbing you like a normal person would do in a fit of prostitute owning rage. Then my balls tingled like I flipped my sack over and scratched them, to the point of erection. Then my tongue caught fire and I discovered a new element on the periodic table: Tastyonium. It’s two parts fingerbanging while your girlfriend’s parents are asleep in the next room and one part leaving your pregnant wife at the alter so you can beat your high score at Battletoads.

I’m also really good at accents.

Let’s say you were a doctor from the future and found a way to isolate all the important and incredibly delicious elements of Coke and then put them through a magnifying glass made of tits and catching fly balls with your Mom’s new boyfriend, Uncle 1986 Camaro, and then bottled that enhancement, you would have the savory masterpiece that is Coke in a glass bottle. But if you were a doctor from the future you should probably use your outerspace dollars to buy stock in Star Fuckers: for men who want to put their dick in whatever, in space because we already have Coke in glass bottles you idiot plus you’d be even more fucking rich and have even more space bucks.

So listen up doctor, quit curing things and start drinking Coke in glass bottles. You’re surgery will increase by +6, your charm by +4, and your having someone else put your gloves on for you by +45 (+49 with the shield of the Taking Days Off to Play Golf).

If you like Coke and think you have reached the upper echelons of soda consumption then you my friend have been jerking your dick off in valleys but if you heed my words I’ll give you orgasms on the most marvelous peaks.

I’m going to touch your boner.