Wednesday, October 15, 2008

G2 Fruit Punch

What’s exactly like singing the national anthem before a hockey game and the first time you jerked your dick off in your parents’ bathroom to a nudie playing card you stole off some dude in Home Ec class?

The answer shouldn’t surprise you at all. It’s drinking G2 Fruit Punch made by the fine people at Gatorade.

I like Gatorade as much as the next sex pervert but I’m not a “Gatorade Guy”. Everyone knows that dude. He’s the guy with the wrap-around Oakley’s always going on and on about electrolytes like a date rapist. The guy who goes to the gym before work and has a daily grooming routine that involves “exfoliating” and “washing”. But whatever, that guy will probably become a stock broker and develop a coke habit and then spend all of his client’s money on drugs and have to flee the country and do it with horses just to buy a loaf of bread and then he’ll clean up and go back to school and become an engineer and then he’ll work on building better elevators and then he’ll miscalculate and the elevator will plummet seven stories with him in it but he’ll survive but be paralyzed and then he’ll go the hospital and the orderly (who has a coke habit) will roll him over, face down into his pillow, forgetting that his patient is paralyzed and can’t roll himself back and then the former lawyer/recovering drug addict/engineer/paraplegic will suffocate and after he dies his muscles will stop working and he’ll poo a little but it won’t all come out in a tube-like cylinder because he’s still upside down and gravity is working on pushing his feces flat against his anus and cheeks.

I on the other hand do not wash my face ever. A real man grows a beard to alleviate himself of such trivial worries. A real man also poops exclusively in cylinder-like shapes. And as a real man I drink Gatorade because it has sugar in it and it tastes like what fruit would taste like if God didn’t vote right wing. Side note, God goes around to all the school dances and makes sure the guys and girls dance with their genitals at least 7 inches apart. To prevent grinding and boners.

So you can imagine my skepticism when I found out that G2 has half the calories and half the carbs that regular Gatorade has. Doctors and Geologists know that carbohydrates make a man’s peehole expand wider during orgasm to aid in the making of  “future abortions”. I typically like my wiener tube stretched passed conventional dong sizing but I gave it a shot anyway.

This drink is awesome. It tastes like Gatorade but doesn’t make me feel like complete garbage when I get to the end of the bottle. All flavour. No “sugar shakes”. You know the sugar shakes. The last gulp of a Gatorade (especially anything that comes in Red or Purple) that tastes like cough syrup and rat poison, the gulp that makes you squint and wheeze like you just choked down a shot of whiskey. That’s what bums me out the most about regular Gatorade but G2 completely relieved me of my pain. It’s tasty and sweet and unlike most “light” drinks, you know exactly what it is you’re tasting.  You can tell it’s what Gatorade thinks Fruit Punch tastes like and not a cheap imitation of what Gatorade thinks Fruit Punch tastes like. Sure it tastes fake, but at least it doesn’t taste like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.


-Delicious as fuck


-Ease of consumption (you could slam this down in one shot without tearing up from carbonation pains i.e. chugging sprite)

-Not super bad for you

-Makes girls think you’re into sports and/or own a horse and as a result they will fuck your boner.



-Healthier than regular Gatorade so people will call you a pussy and spit in your coffee when you go to the bathroom on your break at meat packing plant

- Makes girls think you’re into sports and/or own a horse and as a result they will expect you to go hiking and hiking is fucking bullshit unless there’s an episode of Battlestar Galactica and a steamy bowl of handjobs waiting for you at the end of it.

-The name of the drink has a number in it and that’s fucking garbage. Having numbers in the names of things that aren’t Police Academy movies is bullshit to the Nth degree.


In summary, this drinks tastes good and I will buy it again. You should also drink it because it tastes nice and it’s refreshing and will keep your dickhole within average human proportions (if that’s your thing). I haven’t tried the Orange flavour yet (it’s the only other one available in my neck of the woods) but in complete honesty I don’t like anything Orange flavoured unless it’s vagina or money I don’t have to spend on child support.

Drink up.

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