Monday, February 9, 2009

Pucca Choco Pretzel

Imagine a giant vagina begging for a thin little wiener to flail around against its meaty chasm. That's what these fucking things are like. The amount of chocolate (much like the teeny weeny in my previous scenario) is not enough to fill the vast expanse of the hollowed out pretzel (like the enormous vag).

I had not anticipated the amount of air involved in these snacks. It's a fucking bum out. I had hoped that these seafood (squid and fish) shaped treats would be so full of delicious brown mana that one bite would send an ooey gooey river of milk chocolate down my chin and onto my shirt. Like Germans do with pipi and poo poo. But no. The cheap fucks at Pucca have seen fit to rob me of chocolate delight.

In addition to that disappointment these so called pretzels are more like cheap ass crackers. And if there's one thing I know, it's being a cracker. You see I used to hang out exclusively with pimps and the one thing that's true about pimps is they like to tell you what race you are in the best way possible: relating it to food that has little to nothing to do with any physical or social characteristics (i.e. a white dude is a cracker).

The packaging also sucks. It's a carboard box that you open to reveal a tin foil bag. So not only do you not get enough chocolate in the crackers (note* the pimps I used to bro-down with loved putting their chocolate in crackers) but they also fail to put enough crackers in the box (note* what I do to my girlfriend. HAZZAH!)

These snacks were worth the 99 cents but just barely. I would equate it to going on a blind date with an ugly broad but getting a handjob at the end. Busting a nut=breaking even.
I don't know what busting a nut would be in this scenario, I just really like comparing snacking to making fuck to someone's hand.

At any rate I would say this is a pass. If you get it for free don't throw it in the garbage or whatever but don't get all fucking hard over this fucking gibberish either.

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