Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Pop Shoppe Pineapple Soda


I have an allergy to Pineapple and women who can’t keep their fucking mouths closed. Both turn me into a fucking ravenous beast. So you can imagine that my ability to have both pineapple soda or healthy relationships are pretty limited. But as luck would have it The Pop Shoppe’s pineapple soda contains no pineapple.


My whole life I’ve heard people fucking yammering “pineapple’s so good, don’t you wish you could have it?” or “oh wow, an allergy to pineapple, that really sucks for you” and you know what fucking sucks more than not eating pineapple? Listening to idiots tell me how much it sucks. Do you not think I understand the limitations of my stupid allergy? Fuck yourself.


So anyway I hooked up this pineapple soda in the hopes of filling the pointy, fruit shaped void in soul. It did not disappoint.


Admittedly I have no basis for comparison. The last time I ate pineapple, like actually sat down and savoured it I was in grade school and the end result of that endeavor was throat closing, vomit inducing disaster. So be warned, I’m reviewing this based on what I remember pineapple tasting like. There have been times since then where I’ve had a sip of juice that had pineapple in it and I immediately felt that itch in my throat and either a) went to the hospital or b) spent the afternoon vomiting until my insides bled. All that to say that my idea of pineapple and yours might be drastically different.


It smells like a dream. It’s not often I get hard as adamantium from the smell of a soft drink but it smells like perfume dripping off of Anne Hathaway’s vagina and then into a goblet made out of Jimmy Buffet records and getting handjobs on the beach while seagulls eat garbage out of hot dog wrappers.


If I could describe the taste with a series of gestures it would involve me ripping my dick off my body and then riding it to the moon like a rocket and punching the moon in half and then swimming around in space and brawling with aliens and dragons.


It tastes like I got in a fist fight with a hooker with giant fake tits and then out of ferocity and necessity I bit off her nipple and fucking rainbows and ponies shot out and then there no more wars and no one ever went hungry or sleepy again.


This drink is worth every penny and every hardship you’d have to endure to get at its fucking delicious tropical nectar.

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