Jones Peachy Keen Soda

As mentioned in the post below this one, I bought some Jones soda on Saturday night. While "Fun" was a complete disaster and an utter disappointment, Peachy Keen was the exact opposite.

There was this episode of Sex and the City that I saw where Charlotte is dating this dude who's a lvl. 99 Wizard at eating pussy. This dude is a fucking notorious muff diver. Women love his shit. Anyway he's like in some restaurant or whatever and he's maybe eating a mango or some other fruit and he's tonguing the fuck out of it. I mean the dude is going off. Just losing his pussy loving mind. And all this juice and shit is running down his face and onto his shirt or whatever. That's what this drink is like: being fucking stoked on eating some vaj.

This drink is so fucking tasty. It's like getting a fucking boner and then covering it in cherry sauce you use for eggrolls and then showing it off to your fucking neighbors and then beating off in the middle of the street. It's like sticking your dick in a watermelon. It's like getting on a rocket ship and then going to the moon and putting your dick in a crater. It's like drawing kittens on your dick and then taking a hot bath and then eating a really good sandwich.

This drink makes me want to do fucking dirty things to myself in front of an all boys choir or a private catholic school's headmistress. I don't even understand how fucking tasty this drink is. My brain cannot "crunch those numbers". This drink is carousel of yummy. But the carousel is filled with nothing but hot topless bitches who want to fuck and play volleyball.

Honestly, this drink is like everything a fruit flavored soda should be. Imagine that fuzzy peach candies were some hot broad who shaved dirty words in her pubes and let you watch cartoons while you took her any which way you wanted. THAT'S THIS DRINK!

This drink is the perfect and unattainable woman.

This drink is like sleeping with a hot hotel maid on your honeymoon.

I am so totally in love.

Happy fucking Valentine's day to my mouth.

Jones Fun Soda

On Saturday I went to a show across the street from a candy store. At this candy store they had Jones soda. I do not like Jones soda very much, but I feel compelled to try every flavor at least once so I can proudly look myself in the eye when I walk by reflective surfaces/mirrors. As luck would have it they had two discontinued flavors; Fun and Peachy Keen. As the title of this post suggests I will be reviewing Fun.

I was stoked to find this because it isn't on my list of shit to drink. I figured it would be too hard to find and not worth my while at all. Then I became even more stoked because at no point in purchasing this did I ever consider what it might taste like. I only bothered to make sure there wasn't any pineapple in it (I'm allergic to pineapple and girls with huge nipples).

I cracked the top and it stank like fish guts and Mr. Clean. I know the picture doesn't do it justice but it's day-glo yellow. This looks like a pair of "Hammer pants". This drink was not good. At all. But the thing was, I really wanted to see where it went. I kept thinking I was getting close to figuring out what it tasted like but it never happened. It's like getting a painful HJ while blindfolded. You have no idea if it's a guy or girl but either way it hurts. They're pulling the foreskin back a little too far and you start to bleed. Instead of tapping out you hold on in the hopes of having an orgasm but you never cum. You limp away bleeding and confused and scream like a banshee every time you take a piss for the next 3 and a half weeks. You're left sore and disappointed.

That accurately defines the experience I had both in a Lebanese bathhouse and while drinking this.

This whole fucking thing was some crazy mystery. This drink is bullshit. The only reason they called it "Fun" is because the name "We Don't Know What the Fuck this Is" wouldn't sell shit.

This is so bogus.

*Yes that is Stewart's Ginger Beer wallpaper on my laptop. I really like their Ginger Beer.

Extreme Sour Warheads

I am a man.
I am strong and able to resist above average amounts of pain. I can carry hammers and bricks and I can juggle cattle. I can drive fast in my car and curse at women. I can show you my dick and poop in a hat. I can punch a hole in drywall and show you my dick. I can you show you my dick. You will see my dick.

I can accomplish all these fucking impressive tasks but I can't eat Warheads without making a face like a fucking anus. These things are brutal. They taste like getting caught beating off and then instead of being awkward and surprised and leaving the room immediately, your mom continues to watch you rub one right out. It's like stuffing a lemon with battery acid and then funneling it into your urethra.

The candy itself is delicious once you can get past the mouth ravaging hellfire that is its sourness. The tangyness protects the sweet nectar inside. It's like a sour chastity belt keeping me from tonguing the sweet vagina within.

This candy sucks. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to eat anything that makes your eyes water and makes your soul leave your body and piss on a garbage bag full of dead kittens.

I hate this candy. It just fucking hurts. The sweetness of the candy is not reward enough to suffer through boils on your cheeks and tongue.

This candy is fucking amateur. We're fucking done professionally.

This candy is fucking stupid and if you eat this you probably fucking hate yourself to the point where you can only achieve orgasm if someone's punching you in the back of the head or choking the fucking life out of you. Fuck your stupid life.

Urban Dictionary

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=snack+sabbath

Jones Green Apple Soda

As I've mentioned before, I am becoming more and more of a soda snob. I am basically becoming a soda elitist which is bullshit because soda is a fucking stupid thing to be a dick about. At any rate I have an aversion to Jones soda because I feel it's incredibly cheesy. While occasionally delicious, it's still pretty lame. I would put it on par with buying a Misfits shirt at Hot Topic. Sure the Misfits are fucking awesome (Danzig era ONLY) but you still got it at Hot Topic. I'm letting my snobbery get in the way of enjoing some soda. Luckily for me Jones Green Apple Soda isn't very good so I don't have to feel bad about being all shitty about it.

I'll be honest, I only bought this because of the novelty. I wanted to be able to add this to my list of beverages consumed. Now that I have, I won't be revisiting it any time soon.

There are a lot of things I don't like about Jones soda, and this drink had all of those in spades.

1. It smells terrible. All Jones sodas smell bad (with the exception of their Root Beer that doesn't smell Root Beery enough), but as far as pure stank goes, this takes the cake. It smells like you fed someone raw dog meat for weeks then ripped their stomach open and harvested their stomach bile. It smells like the inside of a prostitute's mouth. It smells like someone got ass banged with a fistful of lollipops. Nothing about the smell made me want to drink it.

2. Barely carbonated. I crack the lid and I hear that fizziness but that's it. It's done in one shot. There's no fizz left to be enjoyed. This is like the first time every Dungeon Master everywhere has ever had sex, put it in once and it's already over. The old one pump hump. This drink is a premature ejaculator. I got fizz all over my hands but none in my mouth. Lame.

3. The drink itself has no flavor. Maybe the faintest hint of candies but it's not like when you're drinking a Coke: you know what the fuck it is you're drinking. The only way I would have been able to identify this blindfolded was because of the aftertaste. This is like getting raped by the Flash (in this scenario; Barry Allen). You only know what happened after it's over and your ass is bleeding and you have 3rd degree burns all up and down your crack. And then the burns and cuts start to heal but they scab over so every time you fart it pops the scabs and then you bleed and it ruins your underpants. And then your mom is pissed that you keep ruining your gear so to punish you she won't let you watch the Cosby show so you pack up your comics and then fucking run away from home. And then you meet a nice guy at the bus depot who says he wants you to model for him and then you feel good about yourself. You feel gorgeous and glamorous. You're going to be a model. And then you get to his studio/1 bedroom apt. and he makes you take your top off and then he shows you his dick. Nothing is working out in your favor. All that to say you can tell it's green apple only after you've swallowed a mouthful.

This drink is pretty lame. Everything about it is sub par. I had no delusions that any Jones soda would be delicious and I wasn't disappointed with this as a result. I would only recommend drinking this if you're somehow obsessed with green apple soda or you're going to get your glow sticks, take some mdma, and fucking rave all night.

Domingo Peach and Berry Bullshit Wine Coolers

Have you ever walked by a mall food court and wondered what the 50 year old in the skin tight mini skirt drinks after workouts or while tanning by her above-ground pool? Answer: Wine Coolers.


They sit on their pleather couches watching LOST reruns just so they can slow-motion scenes where Sawyer's not wearing a shirt. Then it's off to the dry cleaners to pick up their best leopard print dress. They get dressed, paint their lips the darkest crimson, and drink Fuzzy Navels/Sex on the Beachs until they lose the ability to use vowels. They're out at their Cougar bar degrading the fuck out of themselves because they're desperate to feel some young hot johnson between their spray on tanned boobies. To them Young Cock=Self-Worth. (See below).

Both these wine coolers suck. They don't taste like the fruit they are supposed to. Instead they taste like desperation and playing spin the bottle with 13 year olds. This drink is for females desperate to be women, either too young to grow pubes (or to get preggers. Wink wink) or alternately too old to get wet vaginas without the aid of oils and balms.

Both these drinks taste like Calgon body spray. They taste more like fruit perfume than fruit. Also the fact that these come in cans is certainly not helping the taste any.

These drinks suck. They would be better if they came with their own MILFs: looking to relieve the pain of their kids moving out and going to college by having someone fuck it out of them.

But that's not the case. Sadly.

Cott Black Cherry Soda

Most black cherry soda makes me want cherry coke so fucking hard that the meat of my dick explodes out of of cock skin. Or maybe something that makes sense. Whatever. I have a pretty smug attitude when it comes to black cherry soda.

So I hooked up some Cott Black Cherry expecting to have my cock explode in vulgar disappointment. But I was pleasantly surprised. Ill admit that I'm still not sold on black cherry soda but this is certainly a step in the right direction.

The first thing that sets this apart from other black cherry sodas is that you can very easily make out the cherry flavor. Its not hidden behind any cola taste. The cherry is right up front. It's clear as day like Bowie's dick in Labyrinth. The cherry is all over this drink like Chris Brown on women. The drawback to it being so very cherry is that most most mouthfuls taste faintly like cough syrup.

When I was 17 I got fucking wrecked on Dimetapp DM; just fucking completely plowed. I stopped at the corner store on my way home from a night out and I was fucking hallucinating my ass off. I thought there were these fucking demons commanding me to buy a carton of 2% milk and slam it down at counter as fast as I could (without engaging in conversation while I did it) or I would fall into and endless vortex of despair. So there I am at 3am, ruined beyond reason, hallucinating, slamming down a carton of milk, spilling shit all down my winter jacket, ignoring the cashier's questions and obvious frustrations. I finished up. Bought a cigar. Went outside. Peed. Dropped the cigar in pee. Went back inside and tried to reason with the cashier that while I was still on their property he was responsible for replacing cigars that were covered in urine. I don't remember what happened after except for waking up on my front steps while my dad looked on disapprovingly.

I'm sure you have deduced that I love cough syrup so that's a definite plus for this beverage.

Alas that was not enough to make it worth my while.

There was barely any carbonation which is a huge bummer for me. I never want my soft drink to be too "soft". I would prefer over-carbonation to under-carbonation. Bubbles are what make soda "not juice". I do not have a need for juice because:
1. I am a man.
2. I don't have a vagina.

End of discussion.

This drink isn't great but so far is the most cherry flavored black cherry drink I've ever had. If you're super into cherry shit then get at this, otherwise, pass. There are too many negatives to this drink to make it a sound beverage investment.

1. It comes in a can
2. It's made with corn syrup
3. It tastes like cough medicine (all kidding aside, cough syrup sucks)
4. It's flat
5. The flavor isn't rich or thick enough

I'll admit I'm becoming a bit of soda snob but this is below almost anyone's standards. I appreciated it for what it was but It's not winning any awards.