Interview with John McCain (about snacks)

Snack Sabbath: Well first of all Senator let me say it's an honor to be interviewing you today. I truly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with me and discuss snacking at a governmental level.

Sen. McCain: No problem Sean, it's my pleasure.

Snack Sabbath: Uh, it's Scott actually.

Sen. McCcain: Sorry Scott. You meet so many people when you’re running for leader of the free world that sometimes it's hard to keep names straight.

Snack Sabbath: I can only imagine. I ran for Dong Master of my College fraternity, so I can totally relate.

Sen. McCain: I'm not so sure I'm familiar with the position of "Dong Master".

Snack Sabbath: Don’t worry about it too much. Now moving on to snacking... Given the opportunity to travel back in time and eat any snack that has ever existed what would you eat?

Sen. McCain: Bringing out the big guns right off the bat I see... I know you'll probably think this is too "Vanilla" what with your blackberrys and your microwave popcorns but if I could have any snack ever I would have to say figs. You see Sean, the fig is pure, like America and when you add things like sugar (Mexicans) or bake it in with other fruits (integration) it ruins its natural and delicious God given flavors (white people).

Snack Sabbath: I understand your racist metaphor, but you'd really pick a fig over let's say a banana split or some homemade chocolate chip cookies?

Sen. McCain: Call me old fashioned but I would choose to eat figs over anything any day, they're America's fruit. So yes, figs... Well either that or abortions. Goddamn it abortions are delicious.

Snack Sabbath: Uh... I'm sorry, come again? Did you say you love to eat abortions and then lick your lips and then tuck your boner under your belt buckle so that I wouldn't see it?

Sen. McCain: No I did not. Absolutely not Sean. I'm a Maverick and a Maverick would not participate in these types of activities.

Snack Sabbath: Actually sir, it's Scott. My name... Scott...

Sen. McCain, I'm sure it is.

Snack Sabbath: What's that supposed to mean? Uh… Sir?... Can you please stop that?
(At this point in the interview a pregnant woman walks to the park bench we’re seated on while speaking on her cell phone to what I can only assume is the father of the child she's carrying and it's not going well. Sen. McCain is mumbling something in Latin and feverishly rubbing his testicles over his slacks)

Sen. McCain: Do you think she's going to keep it?

Snack Sabbath: Excuse me?

Sen. McCain: The baby, you maroon, do you think she's going to go the distance?

Snack Sabbath: Whose baby? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. Do you mean the woman on the phone?

Sen. McCain: Oh never mind; you wouldn't understand.
(The pace of his genital rubbing has increased exponentially. He starts to mumble in Latin again. Beads of sweat form on his brow and run down into the deep crevices of his wrinkles and then down both sides of his face)

Snack Sabbath: Uh... What?

Sen. McCain: Listen Steve do you want to talk snacks or what?

Snack Sabbath: Not if you're going to keep slapping around your ding dong like that.

Sen McCain: You don't understand anything. You young people sucking at the teat of the liberal media with your "not letting me eat abortions" and your "making me wipe after I go number two".
(The pregnant woman's phone conversation is getting louder and increasingly aggressive)

Sen McCain: She's going to do it!!!! She's going to have an abortion! Cindy!... Cindy!!... Damn it Cindy bring me my big spoon and my elastic waist jeans! Daddy's eating heathen tonight!

Snack Sabbath: Senator, what are you... What are you doing?
(Senator McCain takes of his pants and smiles ear to ear. He makes eye contact with the woman on the phone and grins, beaming even wider at her. He mouths the word "whorecakes" to her and then spits in his palm. He reaches into his underwear but never breaks eye contact. The woman looks noticeably disturbed)

Sen. McCain (getting louder and louder): ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION!
(Sen. McCain keeps beating his dick off as he screams like a goddamned banshee. Surprisingly his staff doesn't seem the least bit concerned by this. He tries to cover his orgasm by coughing loudly but the hot wet mess in his shorts is evidence enough)

Sen. McCain (out of breath): Fuck I love snacks.

Snack Sabbath: Thanks for the interview I guess.

Sen. McCain (with his eyes closed pinching his nipples, still out of breath): Whoooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeee…

This interview took place on November 2nd 2008 between breakfast and lunch.