President's Choice Piri Piri Chips

I'll admit I bought these chips because my girlfriend called them Pri Pri and I though it she said Pipi and I was stoked to review Pipi Chips. But alas, they aren't Pipi or even Pri Pri, they're Piri Piri which, FYI, is the pepper so nice they named it twice.

I didn't have high hopes for these chips mostly because President's Choice chips aren't great quality. I like cheap food. I am a broke deadbeat. But, I like to eat quality snacks so my life is basically like Sophie's Choice. Either way Pipi chips won out because my need for culinary adventure trumped all other urges.

First of all the bag sucks. It looks like a space suit which would be cool if it had some sort of hidden dick flap so I could pee easier. But this fucking thing doesn't so I'm floating around in space and I just finished like two or three big gulps and I really gotta go. I fumble nervously for where the zipper should be. My fingers frantically searching the suit's nether regions but to no avail. Panic sets in. I break out in a cold sweat. And then it happens, I wet myself. My spacesuit is soaked. I get a bad rash and when the cute martian cheerleader asks me to dance at space prom I can't because every time my thighs rub together it burns like the 4th ring of hell. Damn you urine rash! DAMN YOU! I get depressed. Take up heroin. Die a lonely junkie. I get cremated. Keith Richards snorts my ashes.
So, fuck this bag.

Also these chips don't really have a smell which is not a good sign. Smell is my face's way of knowing just what the fuck my mouth is getting my guts into. You know what has no smell? The poison my girlfriend has been slipping into my coffee every morning for the last 4 years. It's a slow process but I'll die in 50-60 years. So you can imagine that my first thought (that these chips are POISON) left me a little unsettled.

Fuck it. I'm a man. I need to challenge myself with the food I eat otherwise I'm a fucking wiener with a soggy cock. So I ate it. And it was AWESOME.

Imagine someone lit a tire fire under a bag of All Dressed Dhips and you would then have yourself a handsome feast of this fucking Piri Piri masterpiece. This shit is just spicy All Dressed and it rules. It's not too inventive at all but whatever I can still achieve climax from a handjay. You don't need to be creative to get your dick off. I am relaying facts to you.

I am a doctor of chips and getting my wiener stroked by various bus-depot skanks.

These chips were relatively cheap and delicious AND adventurous. I fucking win on all fronts.

Eat this shit or I will find you when you're sleeping and expose your dick so that when your Mom wakes you up for school she'll think you were beating off and fell asleep before you came. Pussy.

Miss Vickies Rosemary and Basil Chips

So I'm on a meat hiatus. I know that I'm a fucking viking of a man with an unruly face and stink like cigars and drunk driving. I'm a fucking MAN! I have a thick meaty dick and a wild patch of thick coarse pubic hair. It's because of all these things than I can not eat meat and still get boners. Other men who are less manly and don't possess the essence of virility that I do would have to continue to eat meat. But not I.

So it was because of that that I was on this healthy/hippie shit. Not the lame kind of hippie that holds up peace signs and protests shit, I'm talking about the kind of hippie that gets fucked up and puts his dick in all kinds of sluts. WITH NO RUBBER. I know what you're thinking: "what about STDs?" well let me reply to you by offering a science fact that your mothers and virginal school teachers don't want you to hear: if you lube up your hotdog enough the STDs can't stick to your wing-wang. Yeah. You're welcome. Anyway this hippie thing... I was like "I'm going to stuff my fucking idiot face with these here Rosemary and Basil chips".

Usually I like Miss Vickies, especially because she's not married and I obviously have a chance to bone the shit out of her, but these chips are complete garbage. They taste like a socialist commune. It's the underside of someone's leather sandal. Fuck these chips. They smell like hemp and taste like a sack full of road apples (frozen horse shit that us poor Canadian kids use to play street hockey with when our skates are being sharpened).

Let's run down the list of suck:

1. They're coated in flavoring that is the same color as Caucasian flesh (like mine) so I didn't even notice that my fingers were covered until I looked at the legs of my jogging pants (it's what I use to wipe my hands on)

2. They stink like communism and pro-bono lawyers

3. The bag sucks. It's ugly and there's no lighthouse (a la sea salt and malt vinegar)

4. They taste like chalk and cardboard and handfuls of ass hair

5. They make your mouth dry like you have an allergy to medication

Everything about these chips is a bummer. They will stay in my cupboard until I inevitably spend too much money on comic books (or sex with Asians) and have nothing else to snack on.

So don't buy these unless you have dreads and want to organize a "sit in".

Fuck these chips


*Note: I could not find a picture of these chips online so fuck it I drew it. It's awesome.

Cool Ranch Doritos

I don't remember when I had my first taste of this tangy ranch delicacy, but I know I was probably incredibly young and I probably had them in Vermont as they weren't available in my neighborhood for a really long time. Even now I can find it around but it's completely hit or miss.

I've always had a particular affinity for Doritos; the fake cheese taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon orange fingers... It was magic to a kid like me. But then you try a new spin on this old standard and it fucking tosses you on your head. It still constantly blows my mind that Cool Ranch Doritos are so similar to regular Doritos and yet so completely fucking different. It's like when you read a classic Superman story and then you read Superman: Red Son (an "Elseworlds" type story about Superman's rocket landing in Russia instead of the Midwest); it has the bulk of the same elements but with a few "Oh Goddamns" tossed in. Note: Superman: Red Son is the gold standard for modern superhero storytelling.

The beauty of Cool Ranch Doritos is that you still get all the same key shit as you do with regular Doritos; the delicious fake taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon fingers (sort of an ecru as opposed to orange) but you also get a tangy new twist. It's that tangy explosion that makes the difference. It lends itself extremely well to providing you with a full and complete flavor. With regular Doritos the flavor is limited to the orange dust caked on the outside of the chip but the tangy is like a virus; it embeds itself into the inner workings of the chip so even if you were one of those gross kids who has to lick the fucking taste off of everything before eating it, you're still left with a flavourful chip.

Good:
-Delicious taste that is unlike anything found in nature
-Crispy as fuck (unless you get a stale bag which happens altogether too often around Montreal)
-Still stains your fingers but the white is easier to get out when you stain your pants (you will)
-Has been around long enough so you can jock it without feeling like a trend jumper (I'm looking your direction Sweet Chili Heat worshipers)
-Doesn't smell as strong as regular Doritos so when your whole mouth and face stink like junk food for the rest of the day (which they will) it will be a ton more tolerable

Bad:
-If you don't like Doritos then you won't like these and you're an idiot
-If you like and expect traditional (re: real) ranch flavour you're in the wrong place
-Intense flavor can overpower light-sodas so you're best to stick with Coke or Mr.Pibb over Sprite or Fresca. Exception: Mountain Dew


In conclusion the good clearly outweighs the bad and if you think the bad things are "bad" then you are a pussy who drinks Fresca and does not like his tortillas flavoured to the Nth degree.
Any time I'm headed to the States this is always at the top of my "shit to stock up on so my cupboards have no room for real food" list.
For those of you that aren't already hip to the greatness that is Cool Ranch Doritos, cop a bag and lose yourself in it's delicious synthetic flavours.

P.S. In other countries these are called Cool American Doritos

O'zack "spicy curry" flavor

Japan is the land of seasonal/limited snacks. convience store culture is huge here. they play a huge part in everyones life. you pay your bills and shit there. so im in a convience store pretty much everyday. i always peep the snack sections for anything new to try(which ends up being every couple of weeks)

this time i copped these chips.

these things were a huge let down. you open the bag and they smell amazing. strong curry flavor. but once you dig in you get bummed out. they taste like regular fucking chips with a hint of flavor. shit, they arnt even that spicy. these things were a total bumout. and on top of it the chips themselves arnt good. they remind me of those shitty old chips we used to have in the states - O'Boisies. worst.

in closing, if i was to rate these on an Sabbath type scale. these would rate as "kelly osbourne"