Real Brew Draft Root Beer

Last night I was sitting in class when Universally Good Dude Vinny Slick texts me. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Vinny:
















Scotty: Where and how much?

Vinny: At the bio place i go to for 1.15 each.
Vinny: HOLY FUCK. This stuff is delicious. Makes Fanta tastes like piss. Tell that to your blog.

And so I am.

I was at the grocery store tonight buying some tofu dogs for a dinner thing I was heading to (where I had crème brule for the millionth time, more in a later post) when I came upon a bottle of this glorious fucking root beer.

For the record I LOVE root beer. It reminds me of a childhood without sexual abuse from a drunk step father after my sister’s confirmation. I like fucking cheap watered down root beer, caffeine free root beer, traditional root beer. Whatever, if you have root beer I will drink the fuck out of it. It’s awesome.

But this root beer is like I fucking unlocked this part of my tongue that can enjoy it like I never have before. It transcends space and time. It’s like my world shattered and then was replaced with “a complex flavour of licorice root, sarsaparilla, and anise”. Actually I take that back, I wouldn’t say it’s complex so much as it is a jackhammer of Fucking Amazing.

I had no idea root beer could taste like pure vengeance. This drink is like catching your girlfriend in bed with another guy after she said she was visiting a sick aunt in the hospital and then you calmly walk out of the room and come back in with a jerry can and a book of matches from the restaurant you took her to on your first date and then you tie her and her lover to the bed and then you douse them in gasoline and then you set them on fire and then you beat your dick off in furious (and justifiable) anger. You don’t wipe up. You let it crackle and burn with their sins and flesh.

Fuck this drink makes me want to murder people. I don’t even understand what it tastes like except for black licorice and smashing a bag full of puppies in with a sledgehammer. If pirates could somehow fuck (and then make babies with) I Spit on Your Grave this drink is what the outcome would be like.

It’s invading my life! Fuck this, I’m going out to murder everyone I see.

AAAAHHHH!!!! Fuck this drink is awesome!

Black Licorice

I don't know many people who don't have an opinion on black licorice one way or another. Black licorice is EXACTLY like abortions in that regard. They're also both really syrupy and leave your hands coated with a delicious film.

I am a proud lover of black licorice. It tastes like spices and someone farting in the bathwater. I know I tend to review snacks that I love but then provide the absolute worst descriptions but really, I'm into some pretty gross snacks. I wholeheartedly recognize that black licorice is one of those snacks.

There's really nothing redeeming about it. Unlike red licorice, it's slimy to the touch. It smells bad. It tastes like medicine and diarrhea cramps. It's always stale. It stains your tongue. No woman will want your mouth near her chesticles (aka sweater beef) afterward. This is basically vagina repellent. But I still love it. I'm a classic self-loather. I only eat shit that punishes me. Fuck I hate my life. I'm a complete mess. This snack is 100% proof of that.

Everything about this treat screams "This is Grandma's medicine, do not put it in your mouth!" but if herpes has taught me anything it's that sometimes the consequence for putting shit in your mouth isn't so bad. A little itching. A little puss. Nothing an icepack can't fix.

Hey! I have mouth herpes. Don't let me near your smelly cooter!