The Pop Shoppe Lime Rickey

This weekend was my first time sampling the many tastes The Pop Shoppe had to offer. While this soda is available in most of Ontario, it’s just about unattainable in Montreal and I just happened to get really lucky when I found it in Quebec City. Needless to say I’m now exceptionally poor and as result will be living out of a cardboard box on the street, eating cocks for bus money.

After wasting all of my riches I was hopeful that I would not be disillusioned with what I had hyped up in my mind as being cock shattering.

I’m not an expert in lime sodas. In fact I know about as much about lime soda as women do about not talking about their periods: not very much. But in spite of that I figured that my delicate palette have been put through the ringer time and time again and as a result I know what tastes like a suitcase full of monkey dicks or not.

The first thing I noticed is that it’s not exceedingly carbonated. If you’re at all familiar with my unintelligible ravings you will know that this is a problem for me. I guess I’m making an allowance here because in spite of this being a soda flavoured like a Lime Rickey, a conventional Lime Rickey is not very effervescent. I’m also trying to rationalize and justify not having wasted my fucking hard earned dollars.

The next thing that was pretty obvious was that the lime flavour is not very prominent, unlike Stewarts' Lime Soda which will fuck your mouth with citrus deliciousness. But once again I’m ok with that because traditionally Lime Rickey’s aren’t devastatingly lime flavoured.

I’m like an abused wife. My husband keeps coming home drunk with lipstick on his collar stinking like pussy and pinot grigio and then the only time he wants to have sex is when he’s blacking out and dry heaving. And when we do make love he calls me the wrong name and refuses to look me in the eye.

Then there was that one time when I was on top and he kept inarticulately mumbling something over and over but I supposed that this would be like most cases where if I addressed him directly he would slap me in my mouth and spit in my hair. In hindsight I should’ve realized he was whispering “Stop that or I’m going to shit” but I just kept on riding his boner hoping that if he came hard enough he’d love me more. Instead he pooped the bed and it splashed up off our linens onto me and I got a rash between my thighs and for three weeks afterward I had to walk like I’d just been riding a horse so my legs didn’t rub together and make the chaffing worse. But I’ve built myself up around him to the point where if I remove him from the way I define myself I’ll crumble and have to admit that I am a complete failure as a human being.

This drink is not very good. I am a complete failure as a human being.

Stewart's Key Lime Soda

I went to Rockaberry the other day and in spite of the fact that they have both Key Lime pie and Lemon Meringue on the menu they in actuality sell neither. I was furious. I ended up running through 5 other items on the menu before I ended up stumbling upon something they actually had. Fuck you Rockaberry. All hype.

Anyway in an effort to alleviate my violent urge for Key Lime, I picked up a Key Lime soda (I obviously understand that soda is not pie, but whatever).

I love Stewart's. I'll just get that out of the way. I don't really like Black Cherry soda but I actually don't mind theirs (which is saying something). So my review may be biased.

This thing smells like limes which is fucking awesome. I hate "fruity" sodas that don't smell like the fruit they're supposed to. That's like going down on a pretty young woman and having her lady business smell like hibiscus and arabian mocha java; you need to know what the fuck you're getting yourself into and flowers/coffee is not it.

Smells, like boob size, should accurately reflect taste, or in the case of boobs, intelligence and willingness to sleep with you after being lied to repeatedly about driving an expensive car.

The taste reminds me of a Lime Rickey I got when I was 14 at Newberrys on Main Street in Newport Vermont. Right after I was finished I went across the street and stole my first Playboy. I got a shoplifting boner and then later got a seeing some titties boner. It was a great day for drinks and boners.

It's tangy and incredibly sweet without making you feel like you've just downed your body weight in corn syrup. It has delicate balance like sleeping with a really hot 17 year old. On one hand you want to brag about getting your peter pickled by some hot young thing, but on the other hand you want to keep out of going to jail where you will get ass and mouth fucked repeatedly by white supremacists or shived in the cock if you refuse. That's why no one will ever find out about me and Dakota Fanning (waaaaayyy younger than 17). It's called science. Read a book about it.

Perrier Lime

I am a big sloppy dude. I am quite literally a mess. I don't always remember to pull back my foreskin when I pee. It's safe to say that I do not display the qualities you would typically associate with royalty. So in order for me to feel like the fucking prince of some distant and magical nation I will not be able to rely on any sort of natural ability. That's where Perrier Lime comes in.

Never has a drink made me feel more like I should be wearing a crushed velvet cape and carrying a giant peasant smashing scepter. I'd be furious because they did not carve the stink lines over my dick like I asked when making my giant bronze statue. Then my rage swells and I kick the giant statue over and I crush the peasants. Then I pull my wiener out ever so slightly and then I smash it with my scepter and then I cry. And then I eat a handful of grapes and then I cover myself in perfume instead of showering. Being a prince fucking rules. Then I go to the money making spot and pose for pictures so that I can be on all of my nation's currency. I make all my friends Earls and Dukes and then we fucking go fist fight other nations. Hey Zimbabwe you fucking eat dicks at fencing and your penmanship is bogus and then we pull out phone books and smash them in their faces. We would then continue to Russia, hopping and skipping all over the map as we fucking please.

This drink didn't taste very good the first 34 times I had it but because I'm not a quitter (except at raising illegitimate children) I kept at it. Also it doesn't really taste like lime. It actually tastes more like the way dish soap smells which I guess is sort of awful.

Umm... this drink really isn't good come to think of it, but I buy a bottle of it like four times a week. I think I just like the bubbles. I can't think of anything aside from carbonation that makes this drink worth drinking. I guess the name does. It's pretty fancy. If it were named Steve's Bubbles I wouldn't drink it. Actually that's not true, I would but for different reasons. This drink is pretty bogus. I wouldn't have reviewed it if I didn't have bottles of it lining my desk and recycling bin.

So in conclusion, if you can buy a bottle of bubbles then go ahead, otherwise you can buy this, it has bubbles.

Bubbles.