Apple Danish by Cloverhill Bakery

I am typing this review on a sunday afternoon, while eating the reviewed snack in question, on my bed, while jamming "sabbath bloody sabbath". Life is good.

This Apple Danish has been a staple in my gas station snack shopping for a long time. I get really stoked on road trip stops or when I go buy snacks in betweens bands at a show and I find this bad boy. Most Couche-Tards (yes, that means retarded vagina) carry them proudly. The sheer sight of it is like christmas, but with less decorations and more sugar.

Getting back to Sabbath, the first taste of this Danish is actually very much like the first riff on the "sabbath bloody sabbath" album: instant gratification. You take a bite, and you're there. You don't have to wait for some aftertaste, or eat your way to some creamy center. It's just there for you, no bullshit. Like the song, it just starts. You take a bite, and if it's your first time, you will immediately be amazed at how soft this thing is. You're like, but it's a pastry! In a plastic wrapper! How is this even possible? Before you can even begin to answer that question (*) you are hit with a ton of the best flavors in the universe. You get the soft pastry, swirled with delicious cinnamon goodness, and the extremely sugary white stuff thrown all over the top. What's that shit called? Frosting? Who cares it's delicious and I don't want to use my brain for anything other than tasting, processing taste, and reporting it directly to you. There is also apple, which is really soft and cold and gooey. Oh man. I don't even know why it's so fucking good. They took an old classic recipe, and they just made it work. They put the perfect amounts of all ingredients (way too much) and it is awesome. No need to fuck around with it.

Now that I'm finished with this incredible snack, I am thirsty as fuck. I doubt that the Cloverhill Bakery makes any sort of beverage, since you can't bake a beverage, so this is not some crazy scheme of a danish to get you thirsty and buy more of their products. No, friends, this is a legitimately amazing snack that gives you an honest thirst. I do know that the guys and gals at Cloverhill make one other snack, it's always right next to the apple danish, so obviously I have never bothered to even see what it is. Sometimes a store will have only the other one, obviously because the apple danish is superior and sells out much faster. I get so bummed when this happens. I can spot the red and green logo of the apple danish miles away, and the other one is some weird pink or orange logo. I don't even want to know what it is.

Now that it's been a minute after devouring the danish (the snack, not the people - though that would rule!) I have calmed down slightly and can give some you some other interesting details. First off, this motherfucker has 420 calories in it. Holy shit! Now you know you are dealing with a real snack, not a woman's excuse for a snack. You know the kind, they have words like 'lite' or 'utter garbage' written on them. Besides calories, this guy also has 17 grams of pure fat. I'm not sure if that's a lot, but I'm going to go with yes. It does have 5 grams of protein, so you are pretty much getting jacked while eating this. Besides getting over three times as fat, that is, but let's not get difficult here. Oh, I have had some time to think of the answer to your question (*). It is fairly simple: Preservatives, preservatives, and more preservatives! All the good my body needs!

Holy fuck, I just noticed the package says, in fairly large lettering in fact, "Delicious Microwaved!". Man, I have never read that before. Well that's it from me, I am going to consume a beverage and then I am going to buy a Cloverhill Bakery Apple Danish and microwave the hell out of it. Updates will follow!

Note: I just wanted to state that I have eaten a Danish in Denmark. You can trust my deep knowledge on the subject.