Baby Carrots

I like science. I am a fan of VCRs and robot horses from the not-so-distant future. I like motor boats and bazookas. I like television and electric fences. All of these things are made possible by the good people over at Science.

While everyone’s singing their dicks off about the internet or microwave ovens, the crown jewel of science bullshit remains completely overlooked. It’s time baby carrots got their day in the sun.

Babies are only good for two things, never shutting their stupid baby faces and wiping buffalo wing sauce off my fingers onto. Babies are stupid, vacuous, germ factories that stink like garbage and can’t chew real food so they’re always dripping with apple sauce and stewed prunes. When I have a kid (provided he survives me throwing him out of a moving vehicle) he will go unloved until he can prove that he’s as useful and delicious as these fucking carrots.

Baby Carrots are the fucking apex of vegetablegeneering.

I know you’re probably thinking to yourself that vegetables can’t be snacks and that’s where you’re wrong. You’re obviously just an uncouth buffoon who probably watches wrestling and/or nascar and actually thinks that Budweiser is the “king” of beers. You should spend less time reading this blogue and more time watching Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader.

In fucking Roman times when the Caesar would decree it was time to fucking murder dudes with swords, these militant warriors would fucking crank up the drums made out of the flesh of their victims and fuel up on a feast of vegetables. Then they’d get all oiled up and half-naked and then behead their enemies and then poop in holes they dug in the ground.

Carrots give you good eye sight so when you sneak into your ex girlfriend’s house at night to collect her hair so that you can make a doll out of it, you won’t fucking stub your Flinstone toes on her dresser or end tables.

Baby carrots have all the might of regular carrots but in a compact package just like white dude’s wangs. We can still have you end up with child but you probably won’t feel our dicks in your underpants beards.

This review is scientifically sound.