Quebon Hazelnut Chocolate Milk

The existence of this little gem was pointed out to me by Casey of the Casevets, whom I've known for well over a year, and up until a few weeks ago thought Spoiler was my real name. He thought it was 'just some euro shit'. He was completely baffled that I have a regular name like everyone else. I'm not sure if he's over it. But yea, he told me to check this out. I did once, but I kind of chugged it too fast to be able to review it. Then I didn't see the shit for a few months, and then the other day on my way to practice I saw these little fuckers at a dep. I was stoked. I took pictures, took my time to taste the hazelnutty flavours, looked at the packaging. I treated that thing like I would treat my own child. Well, I didn't hit the chocolate milk, or yelled at it for getting bad grades, and I didn't force it to go to its first day of school in a spiderman mask and a dress with "FUCK THE SYSTEM" spraypainted on it because I thought it would be funny. But I did love it, gave it attention, noted its developments.

First off, chocolate milk cannot be beat. It is the ultimate (read here why). Now, for anyone to try and fuck with perfection, is ludicrous (that's how you spell Ludacris). But then, it takes balls. I respect it, even if it's a complete failure. But I must say, it isn't. It's pretty good. It's by no means as good as regular chocolate milk, so while it is a step down, it's still a good beverage and it still contains a ton of chocolate. It's the same, but different. It's like jerking off with your other hand. It's like cheating with a less attractive girl that gives a better handjob. It's like shitting your pants just for the hell of it.

Basically, it's liquid Nutella, so it's actually not that big a deal. It's a proven formula. But still, it fucks with you. Every sip you take, you're like "Mmm, chocolate milk... wait what's this?". Then you're like "Oh right, hazelnut. Mmm, hazelnut... wait what's this?! Oh right, chocolate milk! I LOVE chocolate milk!" and then you're stoked as fuck and you chug the thing and then you have to buy another because that strange sensation blew you out of the rut that is your pathetic life, but ofcourse by the time you get back the store is closed and you can't find another one anywhere for like a month, and you're busy going to work and stuff but really you want to be looking for more hazelnut chocolate milk. But then you find a place that has it and it's open 24/7 and you drink it all the time and you kind of get sick of it because the rarity of it is what made it good in the first place. Now that it's kind of common you remember that regular old chocolate milk is way better. See, THAT is why they keep this thing so rare. So you will never find out it's not that great. They want you to be overrun with joy and boners as you find this thing, like Kyle Kozak finding the holy grail and the meaning of punk. At that is exactly how I will feel when I find this next time. Like Kyle Kozak from New Hampshire, finding the meaning of punk. And then I will drink it, and I will have to start over. But for one moment, I will have known the truth: this drink isn't amazing, but it's pretty decent.

(PS: Yes that is Tony "Veggio" Frenchman and Tiny Times in the background!)