Oh Boy! Oberto 100 Calorie Jerky Bites

My old lady bought me these when she was picking up "let's not make babies" pills at the pharmacy yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I've had some of the 100 cal packs before but they were all pretty lackluster. But whatever those are like cookies and crackers and both of those suck ass without lard&sugar/salt respectively. But this is meat so all bets are off.

The first thing that stood out was that there was not a lot of meat in the tiny pack and as a man who eats meat I like my portions like I like my wars on terrorism: unnecessarily huge.

The next thing I noticed was that there was no smell. I know for some people this will be a plus but those people can go suck themselves off. How are my coworkers and neighbors supposed to know how manly I am if they can't smell my beef? Answer: I will have to punch them in face and scream it into their sobbing idiot faces.

My list of petty complaints doesn't end there. All the pieces in my bag were really tiny, like beef flakes instead of thick chunks like I was expecting. I know they're "Bites" and not "Strips" but a bite means splitting the food with your teeth. It refers to the action taken just before chewing. If I can take a handful and head straight to chewing, bypassing biting all together, they should not be called "Bites".

Now for the taste test. It wasn't as spicy or salty as I would've liked but then again I was expecting it to be a little on the bland side. It did however taste like meat which was a pleasant surprise. I sort of half expected it to taste like a shoebox but it was decent. The texture was nice too; thick and tough without feeling like you're eating through a tire.

All in all it's a good enough snack for the healthy-eater set. Low cal, low sodium, low carbs, high protein. In spite of my many complaints I actually did enjoy it a lot and felt less like a dirtbag rapist than I usually do when I eat dried meats. I will definitely eat this again and not just because there are still 7 packs left in the box.

With that said though, I can't give this the Burly-Man-Meat-Eater Seal of Approval, it's just not trashy enough. The fact that this won't fukcing ruin your heart and various arteries worked against it in my rating. It's unfortunate but that the way the beef strips dry.

Anchovies

I had my first anchovy at the tender age of 8. I didn't have pubes yet but I did have an unparalleled love for the Ninja Turtles and if they were going to breakdance and eat midget fish then I was too. Breakdancing proved to be too hard and I had to spend the gross majority of my time trying growing pubes anyway so I said fuck it and stuck to eating weirdo fish.

What I noticed right away was how fucking manly I felt. I was able to put fistfuls of complete animals into my mouth at the same time. Entire beings from start to finish, from tip to tail, just stockpiled in my mouth like clowns in a funny car. Completely ridiculous. I felt like an evil ocean overlord. I still get (and love) that feeling.

I know anchovies are like a blanket food in that I'm basically covering the whole anchovy spectrum instead of one specific brand but let's call it like it is; all anchovies taste alike.

I don't view that as a weakness but as a strength. It means you're always guaranteed to get a good batch. What other food can you say that about. Wait, fuck that, what other meat can make a lofty claim along those lines. None.

Fun fact 1:Anchovy is to fish what Cookie Crisp is to cookies. (SAT material)

Fun fact 2:Anchovies occasionally look like vulvas.

I know that a lot of people have beef over the ratio of salty:fishy:acceptable for human consumption (which looks something like 800:800:5) but they're babies who probably poop themselves or have been molested by an uncle (just a hunch). Imagine you stopped walking because using your legs was too hard, well your muscles would atrophy and you would never be able to run away from bears or bees (both are into honey). The same goes for your tongue. It's the most powerful muscle in your body and if you don't challenge it with awesome food like tiny fish that tastes like sour tuna and boogers then you won't be able to enjoy a milkshake or a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (reviewed in the next few weeks) to their full, glorious potential. Why the fuck would you want to do that? Answer: you hate yourself because you were touched inappropriately at a family BBQ.

Here are some more facts about anchovies to reinforce my point:
1. Good on their own
2. Good on pizza
3. Increase the amount of semen that a man produces (check fact with doctor)

In all seriousness though, I've been in love with anchovies since I was a little kid and aside from my vegetarian hiatus these have been a steady part of my diet ever since. I can't think of a single food that can enhance a pizza to the kind of level that anchovies do, nor can I think of an easier, more delicious, or cheaper source of unnecessary sodium. I feel like I've accomplished something after sitting down and eating a tin of these yummy bastards. Like my taste buds have just been sent to boot camp (Maury Povich circa early 2000's). I just feel like I've kicked some salty fish ass, like these little bastards are pissed to have been captured and killed and their final revenge is to explode with intense ocean flavour in your mouth rendering you to tears and/or ulcers but because I'm virile and potent I have powered through and made it out the other side more manly and more full of baby making possibilities than ever before.

Go out and get a couple tins for under a buck, get some saltine crackers, and get some hot mustard and go fucking crazy. You'll either go blind or discover the secret of life.

Good Luck and Godspeed.

Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Stick

What is there to say about Beef Jerky that hasn't been written in the Bible? Not much. 

According to wikipedia: Ancient peoples—for example, the Inca—prepared jerky from the animals they hunted or husbanded. Well I don't know shit about hunting or fucking animals but I do know that man is the greatest animal of all and as a man I deserve to enjoy the world's greatest and oldest salt delivery system: Beef Jerky

With that in mind I sat down with some jerky that's commonly available in my neck of the woods: Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Steak.

Ingredients: Beef, Salt, Water, Brown Sugar, Spices, Flavourings (so sketchy), Monosodium Glutamate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrate

I'm going to level with you: Beef Jerky is awful but I think that's a huge part of the charm for me. It's the only time meat gets to be a snack and it's basically designed to be eaten while driving or fishing. 

Right off the bat this jerky stinks. Honestly it smells like Columbus' ship back from the Orient. I'm no jerky connoisseur but this was a lot more stank than the usual commercial jerkys. Also, this thing looks like a belt that my grandfather's had since he got his first boner. But it's par for the course when it comes to salted, spiced meats. 

First bite. My teeth are literally being shoved back up into my gums. Oh my god it fucking hurts. It's not sticking to my teeth so much as it's destroying my will to live. Maybe I'm a pussy who's used to pepperoni sticks (side note: Jack Link's Original X Stick is amazing) but honestly this hurts. It's too thick to be this tough all the way through. Beef Jerky is supposed to be thin enough to snap, not thick enough to bludgeon your mom with when she doesn't let you stay up late enough the watch The Commish.

Moving on to taste. Imagine that you took everything delicious about commercial jerkys and then ignored it, said fuck it and just did whatever the fuck you want. Well it appears someone over at Jack Link's had the foresight to apply such a concept. I don't know what the fuck is Cajun about this. People often get spicy confused with "leave a lump of hot molten lava in the back of your throat". This is no exception. It doesn't taste like anything expect for all-spice and flames. It fucking sucks.

To sum up this was a bummer on all fronts. I know that Jack Link's isn't the gold standard of cured meats but this was the David Hasselhoff of jerky: D-List.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this.

Skip it and find a Slim Jim.