Pucca Choco Pretzel

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Peche Gourmet Shoyo Almonds

The lobby of my building (at work) is the fucking mecca of snacks. They have everything: Cool Ranch Doritos, Ritter Sport, Zero Bars (refrigerated), and a bunch of other completely fucking freaked out euro chocolate bars with wacky shit like orange peel and zebra musk. They also carry the complete line of Peche Gourmet; a French Canadian company that produces generic candy (cherry blaster ripoffs, peach gummies...) and then packages them in the most boring bags imaginable. The only thing cool about the packaging is that they have this logo of a rotund child-devil licking his chops after feasting on the abortions of the white and wealthy. ***Please note the logo in the picture is of their old logo where the devil was chasing interacial couples off of public transit. They changed the logo because of societal pressures.*** This testament to French Canadian snacking also sells a delicious assortment of nuts. Now I've been know to chomp on some goddamn legumes every once in a while and today is no exception. I hooked up (as I do at least weekly) a delightful bag of Shoyo Almonds.

Now I know you're thinking "What the fuck is Shoyo?". The answer may surprise you. It basically stems from an old Japanese tradition where on Halloween, Demons from Azkata-Zu (the underworld) come to feast on the virginity of 10-14 year old girls. The demons (known as Onataro) steal a piece of the girls' virginity (called Domodonu) and take it back to Azkata-Zu to feed the horned beasts that pull the plows and harvest the crops. This causes the young girls to bleed from their vaginas. In short, the demons are what give Japanese girls their first periods. What Shoyo does is it places a force field over the girls' lady parts and keeps the Demons from giving them their fucking mensies.

It's either that or it might be raw soy.

So whatever, these almonds are fucking salty without having any salt on them. I think they bake the shoyo into them or use some kind of Asian voodoos to infuse that shit into my almonds because I can't realistically figure out any other way it could be accomplished.

These things are fucking yummy and will make women think I'm healthy and pull back my foreskin when I'm washing my ding dong.

I don't think I can recommend them because they're not meat, sugar, or synthetic in any way. These are just barely a snack. I don't even think if you were on a diet they would count as food just like cheating on your girlfriend doesn't count if it's with a dude or your eyes are closed.

If you're into almonds then buy these, they're like almonds times awesome. But if you're not then you can skip it. Actually don't, they're filled with Asian magics that will make you a lot better at math.

Japanese Magicks +1
Math +34
Snack +/- 0

Oh Boy! Oberto 100 Calorie Jerky Bites

My old lady bought me these when she was picking up "let's not make babies" pills at the pharmacy yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I've had some of the 100 cal packs before but they were all pretty lackluster. But whatever those are like cookies and crackers and both of those suck ass without lard&sugar/salt respectively. But this is meat so all bets are off.

The first thing that stood out was that there was not a lot of meat in the tiny pack and as a man who eats meat I like my portions like I like my wars on terrorism: unnecessarily huge.

The next thing I noticed was that there was no smell. I know for some people this will be a plus but those people can go suck themselves off. How are my coworkers and neighbors supposed to know how manly I am if they can't smell my beef? Answer: I will have to punch them in face and scream it into their sobbing idiot faces.

My list of petty complaints doesn't end there. All the pieces in my bag were really tiny, like beef flakes instead of thick chunks like I was expecting. I know they're "Bites" and not "Strips" but a bite means splitting the food with your teeth. It refers to the action taken just before chewing. If I can take a handful and head straight to chewing, bypassing biting all together, they should not be called "Bites".

Now for the taste test. It wasn't as spicy or salty as I would've liked but then again I was expecting it to be a little on the bland side. It did however taste like meat which was a pleasant surprise. I sort of half expected it to taste like a shoebox but it was decent. The texture was nice too; thick and tough without feeling like you're eating through a tire.

All in all it's a good enough snack for the healthy-eater set. Low cal, low sodium, low carbs, high protein. In spite of my many complaints I actually did enjoy it a lot and felt less like a dirtbag rapist than I usually do when I eat dried meats. I will definitely eat this again and not just because there are still 7 packs left in the box.

With that said though, I can't give this the Burly-Man-Meat-Eater Seal of Approval, it's just not trashy enough. The fact that this won't fukcing ruin your heart and various arteries worked against it in my rating. It's unfortunate but that the way the beef strips dry.