La Tire/Maple Taffy

When I was in High School my entire grade went to a Cabane A Sucre (or a sugar shack to those outside of QC.) and this girl ate so much that she puked on her plate and then before anyone could react quickly enough, the vomit spilled off of her pile of beans and glazed ham, onto the table, and then all over her friends. More vomiting ensued as a result. That entire section of the dinning hall had to be cleared out so they could blanket the puke piles in sawdust to make everything more manageable. The entire room stunk like period rags that had been set ablaze in a slaughter house. On the way back to the bus she grabbed some hot maple taffy and scarfed it down without so much as a second thought.

The reason that her culinary bravery did not impress me is that regardless of what you've been through, physically or emotionally, even if you've just watched your entire family get burned alive in a horrible car wreck, their flesh and marrow melted into the faux leather seats, teeth boiled down and embedded in the backs of headrests and dashboard, your little brother's baby seat blackened with the remains of burned-out hope and possibility, you should always, ALWAYS make room for maple taffy. I cannot imagine a scenario horrible enough to make me not want to eat tree ejaculate on a popsicle stick.

I know that I can't ever do this Canadian delicacy justice by making jokes about cocks and pooping or whatever, but I would like to just take a moment away from being lewd to let you know, in all seriousness, this snack will work its way into your blood stream and replace your white blood cells with conflict diamonds and your red blood cells with going scuba-diving and watching two mermaids tongue fuck their caviar holes (AKA fish pussies).

Oh fuck this is tasty. Imagine a tree. but this tree is your big-titted step mom and while your dad is managing fools at the cookie factory you're bouncing her skull off your headboard. Your little brother catches you but you throw him a handful of smokes and some skin mags and he fucks off and you continue banging your dad's wife. You get a sugar boner and jizz blood.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK.

Home Made Beaver Tails

Canada has a lot of good eats; beer and maple syrup being chief among them, but we also have some other good shit to offer i.e. Beaver Tails.

Beaver Tails are a “hoser” pizza made out of sugar and lard. As I’m sure you can tell by the title of this post as well as the picture, I will not be reviewing these tasty treats but instead be reviewing the most welfare alternative possible: Home Made Breakfast Tails.

I’m on vacation so I’m not going to the Old Port to hunt down real Beaver Tails because:
a) It’s not in my living room
b) I would have to put on pants (it’s winter here)
c) The Jefferson’s aren’t on in my car

That and the fact I’d rather spend my money on having someone massage my meaty hog (I’m looking at you, hookers who need to pay for daycare after your John’s kept complaining about cumming in front of your child). So with that in mind I did what I usually do: beat my dick off to the thought of having an orgasm via prostitute in the back of ’78 Oldsmobile while a small confused child looks on in tears. Then I made breakfast.

Here’s the “recipe” (if you legitimately think this is a recipe then you are functionally retarded. Barely):
Ingredients
Sugar
Cinnamon
White Bread
Butter
Peanut Butter (Optional)

1. Put white bread in toaster
2. Take toast out of toaster
3. Butter the toast
a. Put Peanut Butter on toast (if that’s your thing)
4. Dump a teaspoon of sugar on the toast
5. Dump some cinnamon on the toast
6. Spread that shit around
7. Eat it.

Many of you are thinking that this is disgusting but you’re babies who have never paid for ass massages (inside and out).

Here are some facts:
Toast is good
Sugar is good
That’s all you need to know.

Eating this will give you the strength and energy you need to beat off repeatedly during down time at your shitty I.T. job. This probably tastes as much like Beaver Tails as my farts smell like my dinner but it’s all carbs and sugar and that’s basically all you need. It’ll make your balls swell in your shorts like blowing up a balloon inside of a tube sock. Like riding a bike in leather pants on a hot summer’s day. I think it’s safe to say that this snack will enhance your testicles to the point of amazement. If you’re looking to have your cock pale in comparison to the increasingly large size of your pebbles then eat this fucking snack asap. Your coconuts will grow until they ache and then you’ll worry they’ll pop and all your sack juice will make it look like you whizzed yourself.

This snack is easy to make and cheap as fuck.

All Pros.