Home Made Beaver Tails

Canada has a lot of good eats; beer and maple syrup being chief among them, but we also have some other good shit to offer i.e. Beaver Tails.

Beaver Tails are a “hoser” pizza made out of sugar and lard. As I’m sure you can tell by the title of this post as well as the picture, I will not be reviewing these tasty treats but instead be reviewing the most welfare alternative possible: Home Made Breakfast Tails.

I’m on vacation so I’m not going to the Old Port to hunt down real Beaver Tails because:
a) It’s not in my living room
b) I would have to put on pants (it’s winter here)
c) The Jefferson’s aren’t on in my car

That and the fact I’d rather spend my money on having someone massage my meaty hog (I’m looking at you, hookers who need to pay for daycare after your John’s kept complaining about cumming in front of your child). So with that in mind I did what I usually do: beat my dick off to the thought of having an orgasm via prostitute in the back of ’78 Oldsmobile while a small confused child looks on in tears. Then I made breakfast.

Here’s the “recipe” (if you legitimately think this is a recipe then you are functionally retarded. Barely):
Ingredients
Sugar
Cinnamon
White Bread
Butter
Peanut Butter (Optional)

1. Put white bread in toaster
2. Take toast out of toaster
3. Butter the toast
a. Put Peanut Butter on toast (if that’s your thing)
4. Dump a teaspoon of sugar on the toast
5. Dump some cinnamon on the toast
6. Spread that shit around
7. Eat it.

Many of you are thinking that this is disgusting but you’re babies who have never paid for ass massages (inside and out).

Here are some facts:
Toast is good
Sugar is good
That’s all you need to know.

Eating this will give you the strength and energy you need to beat off repeatedly during down time at your shitty I.T. job. This probably tastes as much like Beaver Tails as my farts smell like my dinner but it’s all carbs and sugar and that’s basically all you need. It’ll make your balls swell in your shorts like blowing up a balloon inside of a tube sock. Like riding a bike in leather pants on a hot summer’s day. I think it’s safe to say that this snack will enhance your testicles to the point of amazement. If you’re looking to have your cock pale in comparison to the increasingly large size of your pebbles then eat this fucking snack asap. Your coconuts will grow until they ache and then you’ll worry they’ll pop and all your sack juice will make it look like you whizzed yourself.

This snack is easy to make and cheap as fuck.

All Pros.

Reese's Whipps

Sometimes companies rip off other companies but then make the product better, like what white people did with soul music (see Hall and Oates). Well Reese’s just ripped off the 3 Musketeers bar from the black man that is Mars Inc.

The Reese’s Whipps tastes exactly like if a 3 Musketeers was filled with peanut butter (that was made completely out of icing sugar). It’s so good it’s almost criminal I haven’t seen any ads for this delicious treat. If I could design an ad for it it would basically look something like:

A child gets hit by a speeding car and he's bleeding out badly. He's hemorrhaging. A stranger stops his car and throws 500-600 candy bars at the injured child.

MAN
Won't be needing these anymore.

He then pulls out a Reese's Whipps and drives off at 200 miles an hour straight into a brick wall.

Roll credits/give me my fucking Oscar.
***

Pros:

-All the pb is uniform, no lumps, no air pockets.

-The chocolate casing is thick enough so that I can still tell I’m eating a chocolate bar and not just a fucking brick of pb.

-Unlike a 3 Muskateers, the chocolate casing doesn’t splinter off when you bite into it so you always have the same ratio off chocolate to peanut butter

Cons:

-A little bit tinier than a 3 Muskateers

-Could have added a thin layer of caramel like Mars bars have.


Injured children and speed demons love this shit

Scotty Shows You How to Make Snacks In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched: PB Cookies

Alright Gentlemen,

Ever feel like there was the opportunity to get your ding dong rubbed up against but you missed the chance? Here's the solution: Roofies. You just slip a little in a woman's drink and her body becomes a playground for your pervert hands to run around on.

I'm kidding (but seriously it works). What you should've done was bake. Women love a man who can cook and make them all kinds of shit in the kitchen. It lets them know that when you get married they can get fat as fuck and watch reality TV on the couch while you do everything. Women love the prospect of getting fat more than they love complaining about their periods and being bad at video games.

If you're looking to get a woman's hopes up about you only to sneak out of her apartment in the middle of the night and never call her again after hours and hours of defiling her then I whole-heartedly recommend baking. It's like Spanish Fly, women cannot keep their legs closed for a man who can bake. Lucky for you this marks an exciting new feature at Snack Sabbath: Scotty Shows You How to Make Snacks In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched. I was going to show you how to make Snakes In an Effort to Get Your Weiner Touched but I didn't want to put my dick in a Viper.

***

Here's the bullshit you will need:
-1 cup of Peanut Butter (I don't recommend the kind of pb your grandmother eats where you have stir it back to life every fucking time you want toast)
-1 cup of Sugar
-1 Egg

-OPTIONAL (but recommended): Crushed up Reese Peanut Butter Cups or M&Ms. Any candy will work actually but gummy shit is gross in cookies and if you like it you should probably go back to your rave and wear your size 50 jeans and fuck with your glow sticks you asshole.

How to Make It:
-Preheat your oven to 400°F / 205°C.
-Mix your ingredients in a bowl.
-Roll up whatever size balls you want (this will determine cookie size, idiot).
-Place on a non-stick cookie sheet.
-Pop them in oven.
-Wait 8-10 mins.
-Take them out and serve.
-Refuse to wear a condom when you get busy.

***

And there you have it, the easiest recipe I know. If you can't make this then you're a piece of garbage and an A1 dickface and I highly recommend shoving things in your dickhole and trying to breathe under water.