Sanpellegrino Aranciata

So I haven't had the best experiences with Sanpellegrino brand beverages. In fact I would like to point out that their Chinotto is in the top 2 worst drinks I have ever consumed and the top 5 worst things I've ever put in my mouth. I was apprehensive about drinking this but I have to admit that I love the thrill of knowing I'm going to be drinking something disgusting. It's hilarious and torturous at the same time. It's my equivalent of sky diving. I live a sad pathetic life.

Strike One. It's not a twist top. Let's make this clear. There is no way that this is worth the trouble of having to find a bottle opener for regardless of it's contents.

The first sniff still doesn't stink as bad as the other one did. Also, I think it's important to note, that the bottle is the colour of citrus fruits so I'm not going to be surprised when it tastes like citrus.

As I suspected this thing is tangy. To the point of being wildly repugnant. This drink doesn't taste like anything except stomach acid. But because I had expected to go blind from drinking it I am not shocked by it's offensiveness. The taste is probably comparable to taking a can of Sprite and then chugging it down and then ripping it in half and then using the sharp aluminum edges to carve racial slurs all over your body and then dousing yourself in rubbing alcohol and then setting yourself on fire. All while not blinking and eating grapefruit.

I don't understand why people would ever want to drink this. My threshold for sour is non existent. Sour is a stupid taste.

Sour does not:
Give you the runs
Make you better at sports
Get you Xbox Achievements
Make your foreskin flower and blossom around your testies
Do anything to make it worth your while

Sour is like the ugly girl at the dance. Sour, you should just go home and kill yourself because no one wants to show you their dick or rub against them titties.

Sour is like going out on a date and then buying dinner and then going to the fucking movies and buying popcorn and then when you go in for the kiss at the end of the night and she kisses back and then you ask if you can come up for coffee and she says no and then you fucking lose it and smash her head against her door knocker and then kick her in the stomach and bush and then the neighbors poke their heads out and then you throw rocks from the garden at them and because your throws are guided by horniness and rage, your rock flies straight and catches an old man in his nose and blood sprays down on you and then you're covered and then you take your shirt off and then you climb the ivy on the house and then you grab that fucking guy by the hair and then you throw him down a few stories and he's crying and he has bone fragments poking out of his shitty old flesh and then the cops come and you resist arrest and then you get maced and clubbed and then you go to jail and then you regret flipping out and a wave of panic comes across you and then it subsides and then all you're left with is hollow, empty depression and then you hang yourself and your cellmate fucks your corpse more than once.

I hate this drink.

Feeling Pear-Violet-Gentian Juice

I am always on the lookout for new drinks like Attila the Hun is on the lookout for ways to ass fuck you with a fried chicken. So if I find something that looks fucking offensive and that it will be review worthy I'll scope it out. I saw this drink and immediately anticipated that it would fucking taste like watching Titanic without seeing Kate Winslet's funbags.

This drink is made up of three ingredients I could not possibly give less of a fuck about. I have the same interest in these three "key" ingredients as I do in dry shaving the base of my shaft: not a lot.

This beverage is flowers and pears. It's like what effeminate royalty would drink before eating regal bullshit like pig cocks and sheep tits. Fuck royalty is awesome.

This drink is like all foreplay and no bang-bang (that's what I call fucking, like: "it's a good thing that you're asleep, I'm going to make bang-bang on a fistful of your long blond hair. I'm going to hair bang-bang you."). This drink has no pay-off like suddenly getting X-ray vision or seizures. This drink tastes like a botanists wettest dreams. This is like valentine's day without the chance of seeing some fucking titties.

Oh man this drink is a giant piece of shit.

Flowers can eat a big fat sack of my ass. I originally had a joke here about beating women but after sound council it was decided that the joke may not go over as well as I had hoped it would. So in it's place here is a drawing I made at work:

Sanpellegrino Chinotto

Up until that Sangria shit a few posts down this was the worst drink I had ever had. I guess that's about the only nice thing I can say about that Sangria mess. Anyway as I'm sure you can tell this drink eats dicks.

I like Brio and that's some Chinotto bullshit so I figured why the fuck wouldn't I like this. The answer is: because Coca-Cola shouldn't taste like getting mouth fucked with cleaning solvants.

And that's no joke. It tastes like someone mixed Pledge with Coca-Cola and then told you it was fucking cool to drink while you played petonk with a bunch of cranky old Italian dudes. This drink made me furious. The can was fucking sweet and I wanted to walk around looking all refined and shit, like a fucking gentleman sipping on some weirdo citrus drink. But fuck that. This drink is bullshit.

Here are some rules about delicious sodas:
1. It should never be sour. Please note that Coke with Lime is delicious and not sour, so the combination of citrus and cola is feasible.

2. A brown can should more often than not represent something coffee flavoured, especially with the shade of this motherfucker. And I'm ignorant to most fruits so if it turns out Chinotto is brown well then fuck them for not making that more obvious. And fuck this drink for being shittier than the can it comes in.

3. Fuck this drink.

And there you have it in a nutshell: this drink is bogus and you should skip it unless you're some sort of mutant who wants cola to taste like someone's whiskey dick wrapped in dish soap.

Sangria Senoral

I love soda. I love soda more than most people love getting their dongs rubbed up against. And it was with that in mind that I’ve been on a recent quest to acquire and consume as many different beverages as possible. Today was day one of my quest. It is not off to a great start. While I did pick up some RC Cola (guaranteed awesome) I also picked up some Sangria Senoral.

I can say with absolute confidence that this is the worst drink I have ever consumed. Admittedly I like some vile shit. Black licorice. Coke Blak. Sardines. But this is above and beyond my horribly low standards.

According to the various sources of information on the internet, this thing has a cult following which I guess makes sense when you think about dudes that live in a compound and drink suicide Kool-Aid. People are known to group together and do stupid shit. Exception: LARPers. So I can see people loving this with their entire souls. But those people are witches and need to be burned at the stake.

Sangria Senoral is marketed as a delicious alternative to alcoholic sangria. I don’t drink but I know what sangria is supposed to taste like and this isn’t it. This is poison. POISON.

It tastes like someone took an old garbage bag and then dumped grape juice in it, then pissed in it, then went and filled it up with whatever they found in the dumpster behind the abortion clinic and then blended it and poured into some sketchy bottle and then labeled it with tribal tattoos. This fucking drink sucks ass. I do not suggest you ever drink this.

I haven’t ever been more displeased with a beverage related purchase in my entire life. Imagine every bad thing I’ve ever said in every single review and then multiply it by the number of pubes I have and then ram it in your ass and then set yourself on fire. You would just be scratching the surface of how much this fucking sucks.

I hate this drink with all my heart. It’s the worst.

Fuck.