Sangria Senoral

I love soda. I love soda more than most people love getting their dongs rubbed up against. And it was with that in mind that I’ve been on a recent quest to acquire and consume as many different beverages as possible. Today was day one of my quest. It is not off to a great start. While I did pick up some RC Cola (guaranteed awesome) I also picked up some Sangria Senoral.

I can say with absolute confidence that this is the worst drink I have ever consumed. Admittedly I like some vile shit. Black licorice. Coke Blak. Sardines. But this is above and beyond my horribly low standards.

According to the various sources of information on the internet, this thing has a cult following which I guess makes sense when you think about dudes that live in a compound and drink suicide Kool-Aid. People are known to group together and do stupid shit. Exception: LARPers. So I can see people loving this with their entire souls. But those people are witches and need to be burned at the stake.

Sangria Senoral is marketed as a delicious alternative to alcoholic sangria. I don’t drink but I know what sangria is supposed to taste like and this isn’t it. This is poison. POISON.

It tastes like someone took an old garbage bag and then dumped grape juice in it, then pissed in it, then went and filled it up with whatever they found in the dumpster behind the abortion clinic and then blended it and poured into some sketchy bottle and then labeled it with tribal tattoos. This fucking drink sucks ass. I do not suggest you ever drink this.

I haven’t ever been more displeased with a beverage related purchase in my entire life. Imagine every bad thing I’ve ever said in every single review and then multiply it by the number of pubes I have and then ram it in your ass and then set yourself on fire. You would just be scratching the surface of how much this fucking sucks.

I hate this drink with all my heart. It’s the worst.

Fuck.

Peche Gourmet Shoyo Almonds

The lobby of my building (at work) is the fucking mecca of snacks. They have everything: Cool Ranch Doritos, Ritter Sport, Zero Bars (refrigerated), and a bunch of other completely fucking freaked out euro chocolate bars with wacky shit like orange peel and zebra musk. They also carry the complete line of Peche Gourmet; a French Canadian company that produces generic candy (cherry blaster ripoffs, peach gummies...) and then packages them in the most boring bags imaginable. The only thing cool about the packaging is that they have this logo of a rotund child-devil licking his chops after feasting on the abortions of the white and wealthy. ***Please note the logo in the picture is of their old logo where the devil was chasing interacial couples off of public transit. They changed the logo because of societal pressures.*** This testament to French Canadian snacking also sells a delicious assortment of nuts. Now I've been know to chomp on some goddamn legumes every once in a while and today is no exception. I hooked up (as I do at least weekly) a delightful bag of Shoyo Almonds.

Now I know you're thinking "What the fuck is Shoyo?". The answer may surprise you. It basically stems from an old Japanese tradition where on Halloween, Demons from Azkata-Zu (the underworld) come to feast on the virginity of 10-14 year old girls. The demons (known as Onataro) steal a piece of the girls' virginity (called Domodonu) and take it back to Azkata-Zu to feed the horned beasts that pull the plows and harvest the crops. This causes the young girls to bleed from their vaginas. In short, the demons are what give Japanese girls their first periods. What Shoyo does is it places a force field over the girls' lady parts and keeps the Demons from giving them their fucking mensies.

It's either that or it might be raw soy.

So whatever, these almonds are fucking salty without having any salt on them. I think they bake the shoyo into them or use some kind of Asian voodoos to infuse that shit into my almonds because I can't realistically figure out any other way it could be accomplished.

These things are fucking yummy and will make women think I'm healthy and pull back my foreskin when I'm washing my ding dong.

I don't think I can recommend them because they're not meat, sugar, or synthetic in any way. These are just barely a snack. I don't even think if you were on a diet they would count as food just like cheating on your girlfriend doesn't count if it's with a dude or your eyes are closed.

If you're into almonds then buy these, they're like almonds times awesome. But if you're not then you can skip it. Actually don't, they're filled with Asian magics that will make you a lot better at math.

Japanese Magicks +1
Math +34
Snack +/- 0