Thursday, July 17, 2008

Chocolate Milk!

This isn't so much a specific review as it is a general appreciation of the wonder that is Chocolate Milk. I have no idea who came up with the brilliant idea of taking a bland beverage that previously only existed to make your cereal less boring, and mixing it with the best thing that ever existed: chocolate. Before its creation, you could be eating a nutella sandwich with a chocolate bar, and after your chocolate pudding dessert you could get a little thirsty but not want to ruin the vibe with an otherwise fine beverage (coke, ginger ale, apple juice). You were fucked. But now, thanks to the mysterious genius behind it, you had the option of LIQUID CHOCOLATE. Insane. Life was never quite the same.

This brings me to my first reason why chocolate milk rules. You can drink it with ANYTHING. As a matter of fact I am eating a three cheese macaroni as I'm typing this, and I'm having a delicious Parmalat chocolate milk with it. Great combo. If anyone ever tries to tell you it's bad to drink chocolate milk with certain foods, you have my permission to slap them across the face. With a shovel.

Besides blending perfectly with every food in the world, you can chocolate milk ANY TIME. If I just woke up, I do not want to drink a coke. In fact I am willing to admit I am too much of a pussy to drink anything carbonated in the morning. Chocolate milk though... wakes you right up with that sugar rush. It's like the morning kicks you in the nuts, but in a pleasant manner. Sure you can drink coffee (if you're a loser), but can you drink coffee an hour before bedtime? No. Can you chug down a quart of chocolate milk? Fuck yea you can. It works in the morning, in the evening, for lunch, it even makes an awesome afternoon snack. Could you drink an apple juice at 3 pm and feel full until dinner? Maybe if you're a girl. Not me. I need that thick, near-disgusting fulfillment to hold me over.

Being an avid chocolate milk drinker, I sometimes forget that not everyone is a sweet dude like myself. There are some haters, and they always say the same two lines:

"It's not healthy". Says who? Nutritionists, apparently: "Nutritionists have criticized chocolate milk for its high sugar content. However, a study published in 2006 indicated that chocolate milk aids in recovery when taken after intense athletic workouts. The study authors believe this to be due to its ratio of carbohydrates to protein, among other nutritional properties". There you go, asshole. Why don't you go drink some vitamin water (haha!) while I become a huge beefcake just from drinking the best tasting drink on the planet. Anyways, "The study was small in scale and partially funded by the dairy industry, but the results may warrant further study". See, everyone knows that the dairy industry is always right, so I win. I think one time they said that Nick Lachey is an asshole, and boy were they ever right.

The second 'argument' is that it's for 5 year-olds. Even the canadian dairy industry is against me on this one: "In a recent study done in schoolboards across Canada, chocolate milk was the most popular drink among children between the ages of five and ten". Well guess what, 5 year olds know their shit, man. Their minds are not yet occupied with distractions such as money, getting laid, sports, or the Cro-Mags. They know three things: toys, sugary beverages, and the fact that girls smell. Don't fuck with them. They know, and they say chocolate milk is the illest. Who are you to disagree? You were once 5, and you were probably way cooler then. Now you're into reading the newspaper and the stock market. Pussy.

I love chocolate milk so much that I don't even notice the brands. It's like pizza, if it's bad it's still good. I will drink 'em all. Thick, thin, creamy, chocolate soy milk, fake milkshake (aka melted ice cream in a box, aka delicious). Bring it on. Let me level with you, I love chocolate so much that I will consume it in any way I can. I don't care in which medium, and I don't care if some brands' milk is a little softer than the other. Just give me my chocolate already.

Finally, there is one minor setback to the party that is chocolate milk: it goes bad. If you happen to step into some miserable cornerstore where no one awesome ever goes, and thus no one ever buys chocolate milk, you might get dicked into buying a stale chocolate milk. But it's the risk that makes life truly worth living, isn't it? Only a real man would blindly chug a box of possibly sour milk, because he knows the risk is never greater than the cause. Chocolate milk separates the men from the boys. The 5 year-old with the chocolate milk in his hand is a thousand times the man you are, with your safe little drink that could never go bad. Go on, be safe. Be well. Drink a light beverage with your meal. And we will go and drink chocolate milk, and live like kings. Kings.

1 comment:

Scotty said...

Greatest review ever.