Coke Blak

Sometimes a thing is awesome and then adding something that is also awesome to it makes it different but awesome in a different way.

Here is an example of what I mean: Sometimes putting your ding-dong in a girl’s veej is awesome and sometimes peeing is awesome and combining the two is different but awesome in a different way. In case you can’t do the math let me math it out for you: PEEING IN A GIRL’S VAGINA IS HILARIOUS (and according to sex ed in grade 8 she can’t feel it until it runs down the inside of her thighs and butt crack; I asked).

Here is another more Snack related example: Coca-Cola is awesome and Coffee is awesome and combining the two is a different awesome in a different awesome way.  If you were a doctor of waking the fuck up at 6:00 am to go work at a puppy mill you would have invented your own combination of the two called “Dr. Puppy Mill’s Wake Up and Murder Some Puppies That Didn’t Sell Juice” but you work in a bank helping degenerates order new checks so Coca-Cola had to invent it for you. It’s called Coke Blak and I’m about to review the shit out of it.

The downside to this review (aside from the fact that we aren’t face to face so that I can scream it into your ugly, sweaty mouth) is that Coke stopped producing Coke Blak, deciding to sell off the remaining supply and call it a day.  That was in 2006. So basically after I fucking sell you so hard on this product you won’t ever be able to hook it up for yourself, which is pretty lame of me, sorry.

Coke Blak was never made widely available in Montreal. It was only ever made available at random locations for a period of about 2 months. I never saw any marketing campaigns for it around here ever and never heard anyone talk about it. It was the best kept secret of the cola world. It got a slightly bigger push in the states (where I first sampled it’s sweet caffeinated nectars) but still had a super short availability to the public. Bummer.

I can’t recommend this drink enough. I know the combination of cola and coffee doesn’t sound super appealing and I’ll admit the prospect of it didn’t get the blood flowing to my flaccid penis but after the first sip I was hooked. It’s delicious brown magic. It tastes like burnt marshmallows and black-tar heroin. It’s poison. It’s like drinking abortion shame and spying on your sister while she pees. It’s a cocktail of caffeine and self-loathing. This drink makes me fucking hate myself for loving it as much as I do. The combination of these two ingredients is vile and sour and oaky but I can’t help but mess where my bathing suit covers every goddamn time I have a sip.

 

Pros

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

-Fucking Awesome

 

Cons (and these are only cons if you are total baby with no pubes)

-Tastes like Demon afterbirth

-Will make you hate yourself in deeper and more profound ways than you ever thought possible

-Is fucking evil

-Is impossible to find anywhere

This video is an example of a lesser man's reaction

This drink is fucking awesome (see “Pros”) and if you ever see this anywhere drink it immediately then throw your pregnant mother down the stairs as the evil of this drink devours every part of your soul. This drink will fill your masturbation vault (or spank bank if you will) with images of snakes eating live sheep and owls ripping apart a field full of fetuses. This drink will ruin you. The only way you’ll ever be able to cum after you drink this will be when you’re pooping or beheading a neighbor.

Buy it on sight and send some to me. Seriously I will fucking paypal the shit out of you if you have any of this lying around.

Drink Coke Blak immediately if not sooner. It will rape everything good right the fuck out of your life.

G2 Fruit Punch

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Coke Zero in Glass Bottles

everything exactly as described in the below post but for diet soda drinkers

Coke in Glass Bottles

Have you ever been drinking a Coke and thought to yourself “Wow, buddy, you’ve reached the top of the mountain of flavour”? Well then you’re a piece of shit orologist (look it up instead of reading The Secret and making a Vision Board).

Fact 1: Coke is awesome

Fact 2: It’s the greatest drink of all time. People say water is but Coke has water in it and it has syrup and you put syrup on pancakes and pancakes are better than water so ipso facto Coke is the best.

Hidden fact between facts 2 and 3: Sometimes if you pet your dog in a funny way near where his butt is he shows you his secret tube of lipstick.

Fact 3 (prepare to have your dick shoot right off your body): Coke is AT LEAST 37 times better out of a glass bottle.

Now that your cock has turned inside out and is smoldering please accept this simple truth: you have been missing out because you are a cheap fuck. I put off buying Coke in glass bottles because before I won the lottery and patented condoms for astronauts (they’re called Star Fuckers: for men who want to put their dick in whatever, in space) I was cheap as shit. But my former roommate and always friend Sweet Dee had his old man bring me four 20oz. glass bottles of Coke from the maritime fun zone of Prince Edward Island. Now I’m hooked. I cannot possibly get enough. I’ve made my girlfriend get numerous abortions because it wouldn’t be fair to bring kids into a world where they will be less loved than my cola.

That first sip of glass-bottled Coke had my pubes straighten the fuck out like my wang was a smooth ass pimp from the 70s threatening to cut you as opposed to stabbing you like a normal person would do in a fit of prostitute owning rage. Then my balls tingled like I flipped my sack over and scratched them, to the point of erection. Then my tongue caught fire and I discovered a new element on the periodic table: Tastyonium. It’s two parts fingerbanging while your girlfriend’s parents are asleep in the next room and one part leaving your pregnant wife at the alter so you can beat your high score at Battletoads.

I’m also really good at accents.

Let’s say you were a doctor from the future and found a way to isolate all the important and incredibly delicious elements of Coke and then put them through a magnifying glass made of tits and catching fly balls with your Mom’s new boyfriend, Uncle 1986 Camaro, and then bottled that enhancement, you would have the savory masterpiece that is Coke in a glass bottle. But if you were a doctor from the future you should probably use your outerspace dollars to buy stock in Star Fuckers: for men who want to put their dick in whatever, in space because we already have Coke in glass bottles you idiot plus you’d be even more fucking rich and have even more space bucks.

So listen up doctor, quit curing things and start drinking Coke in glass bottles. You’re surgery will increase by +6, your charm by +4, and your having someone else put your gloves on for you by +45 (+49 with the shield of the Taking Days Off to Play Golf).

If you like Coke and think you have reached the upper echelons of soda consumption then you my friend have been jerking your dick off in valleys but if you heed my words I’ll give you orgasms on the most marvelous peaks.

I’m going to touch your boner.