Anchovies

I had my first anchovy at the tender age of 8. I didn't have pubes yet but I did have an unparalleled love for the Ninja Turtles and if they were going to breakdance and eat midget fish then I was too. Breakdancing proved to be too hard and I had to spend the gross majority of my time trying growing pubes anyway so I said fuck it and stuck to eating weirdo fish.

What I noticed right away was how fucking manly I felt. I was able to put fistfuls of complete animals into my mouth at the same time. Entire beings from start to finish, from tip to tail, just stockpiled in my mouth like clowns in a funny car. Completely ridiculous. I felt like an evil ocean overlord. I still get (and love) that feeling.

I know anchovies are like a blanket food in that I'm basically covering the whole anchovy spectrum instead of one specific brand but let's call it like it is; all anchovies taste alike.

I don't view that as a weakness but as a strength. It means you're always guaranteed to get a good batch. What other food can you say that about. Wait, fuck that, what other meat can make a lofty claim along those lines. None.

Fun fact 1:Anchovy is to fish what Cookie Crisp is to cookies. (SAT material)

Fun fact 2:Anchovies occasionally look like vulvas.

I know that a lot of people have beef over the ratio of salty:fishy:acceptable for human consumption (which looks something like 800:800:5) but they're babies who probably poop themselves or have been molested by an uncle (just a hunch). Imagine you stopped walking because using your legs was too hard, well your muscles would atrophy and you would never be able to run away from bears or bees (both are into honey). The same goes for your tongue. It's the most powerful muscle in your body and if you don't challenge it with awesome food like tiny fish that tastes like sour tuna and boogers then you won't be able to enjoy a milkshake or a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (reviewed in the next few weeks) to their full, glorious potential. Why the fuck would you want to do that? Answer: you hate yourself because you were touched inappropriately at a family BBQ.

Here are some more facts about anchovies to reinforce my point:
1. Good on their own
2. Good on pizza
3. Increase the amount of semen that a man produces (check fact with doctor)

In all seriousness though, I've been in love with anchovies since I was a little kid and aside from my vegetarian hiatus these have been a steady part of my diet ever since. I can't think of a single food that can enhance a pizza to the kind of level that anchovies do, nor can I think of an easier, more delicious, or cheaper source of unnecessary sodium. I feel like I've accomplished something after sitting down and eating a tin of these yummy bastards. Like my taste buds have just been sent to boot camp (Maury Povich circa early 2000's). I just feel like I've kicked some salty fish ass, like these little bastards are pissed to have been captured and killed and their final revenge is to explode with intense ocean flavour in your mouth rendering you to tears and/or ulcers but because I'm virile and potent I have powered through and made it out the other side more manly and more full of baby making possibilities than ever before.

Go out and get a couple tins for under a buck, get some saltine crackers, and get some hot mustard and go fucking crazy. You'll either go blind or discover the secret of life.

Good Luck and Godspeed.

O'zack "spicy curry" flavor

Japan is the land of seasonal/limited snacks. convience store culture is huge here. they play a huge part in everyones life. you pay your bills and shit there. so im in a convience store pretty much everyday. i always peep the snack sections for anything new to try(which ends up being every couple of weeks)

this time i copped these chips.

these things were a huge let down. you open the bag and they smell amazing. strong curry flavor. but once you dig in you get bummed out. they taste like regular fucking chips with a hint of flavor. shit, they arnt even that spicy. these things were a total bumout. and on top of it the chips themselves arnt good. they remind me of those shitty old chips we used to have in the states - O'Boisies. worst.

in closing, if i was to rate these on an Sabbath type scale. these would rate as "kelly osbourne"

2008 Taste of Chicago

The Taste of Chicago is the world's largest food festival in the United States.  Located conveniently in my city, I usually go and eat with no disregard to anything or anyone.  This year I decided to get more into my food consumption a little bit more attention.  The Taste of Chicago features over 70 food vendors and brings in millions (sometimes 1 million each day alone).  You can find anything and everything here.  Food is purchased with tickets, 12 tickets for $8.  What does that get you?  NOTHING!!! Most basic entrees cost about 9-10 tickets, and most "Taste" portions (smaller portions of the foods) cost at least 4.   Here is what I consumed in one trip to the Taste:

Rib Sandwich- I have never had a real rib sandwich until now, usually I get the vegan version, and I was super into it.  What made this sandwich as delicious as it was?  BBQ SAUCE.  Perfect sauce overload, handmade BBQ sauce, loved it...until I dropped it on the floor and declared myself defeated.

Mango Italian Ice- Some of you might know it as "Water Ice" this is one of the reasons why I'm glad the Italians have such a a big influence on Chicago.  This one was made not from flavoring, but from Mango purees.  Italian Ice is made the same way that ice cream is made, and is technically a sorbet, but not really.  Miko's Italian Ice in Chicago offers these for $1.25 a scoop, I coughed up $4.  Well worth it, the flavor of Mango was on point, not too tangy and not too bland.

Banana Crepes-  This was from the same joint that I bought the Mango Italian Ice from.  The presentation looked great, but the banana was not a good option for the inside.  It was too bland, and the chocolate syrup was way too abrasive for the overall sweetness.  They should've put Nutella inside the crepe instead, and offered up strawberries.

Nutella Crepe-  I am a freak for anything Nutella.  After realizing I made a mistake in trying the banana crepes, I decided to get the Nutella Crepe...Perfect.  Just enough Nutella on the inside, not too much whipped cream, not to mention this time the flavoring of the chocolate syrup was perfect with the other combined flavors.

Chicago Style Hot dogs-Mustard, Onions,Sweet Pickle Relish, Dill Pickle, Peppers, Tomatos, Celery Salt= Chicago Style.  Originated in 1929, this is a Chicago STAPLE..  Supposedly, there are supposed to be more hot dog joints in Chicago than all other fast food restaurants combined.  The only rule about Chicago Style that I break?  KETCHUP.  Putting ketchup on a Chicago dog is supposed to be sacrilegious, but whatever, this rule may be broken.

Giant Turkey Leg-  I only tasted this, because to eat it would be the equivalent of eating my own weight, basically.  Giant turkey leg with BBQ Sauce & Louisana Hot Sauce added on makes for an interesting taste.  This thing is HUGE.  Imagine tons of people chewing on this with no precautions: sauce all over their faces, sans bibs trying to dominate this turkey leg.  

All in all, I'm still full to say the least.  The Nutella Crepes and Italian Ice were #1 in my book for the night, and I spent over $40 and STILL wanted to eat ( chocolate covered bananas & funnel cakes get an I.O.U.).  If you ever get a chance to go, check it out, but get there early before all the fatsos come and pillage the Taste for all its worth.

Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer

I'm a coke guy, actually diet coke to be specific, and tend to drink nothing but that or water, but I decided recently to scope out what else is out there drink wise. Unless it's a Pepsi product, in which case fuck that, I know where my loyalties lie.

So I'm at the IGA browsing through the soda isle which I'd just like to mention sucks in comparison to American soda isles, and I'm seeing what they have to offer.
Dr. Pepper: good but whatever.
Root Beer: lame.
Cream Soda: I'm not 12.

I need a fucking man's soda. A robust cola or a delicate gentleman's brew. Something that I can be proud to pound straight from the can. And then sitting there in the dull glow of cheap grocery store lighting I found salvation: Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer.

I could tell I was in for a good time right away. One: there's a rooster on the can and I like roosters. Two: it has the word cock in it. Three: it makes me feel like I should go out and fight some orcs or like goblins and shit. I don't know what it is exactly, aside from the combination of so many awesome elements that gives me such a huge boner for this can, but whatever it is it totally makes me grow a big rubbery hog.

It's also important to note that this is made by Canada Dry and while my knowledge of Ginger Ales and Beers isn't Yoda-esque, Canada Dry is the high watermark without question.

Without hesitation I cracked this son of a bitch open. It was glorious. It smelled like orgy fantasies and winning the lottery. It was like ginger ale had been doing roids in the bathroom and then fucking punched through the wall to come out and shake my hand. It smelled sexy and untamed. I felt like I was in the wild west of soft drinks. This motherfucker was pungent. I almost wanted to bottle it and spray in the eyes of my enemies. It was so strong and awesome.

I was so stoked to take my first sip that I almost spilled it all over myself. As soon as it hit my tongue I was in flavour country. It was spicy as fuck. I don't know the difference between ginger ales and beers but I can guess it's about a thousand pounds of flavor. It felt like my tongue was covered in little tiny pins. It was like acupuncture for my taste buds. Sure it hurt, but it hurt the way getting your hair pulled while fucking hurts: rewarding and dangerous.

It was amazing. It was tasty and painful and delightful. It was just a whole fucking ginger experience.

Alright let's wrap it up:

Neg.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore
-Not available in 6, 12, or 24 packs
-Too powerful to be chugged down/not ideal for when you're dying of thirst

Pos.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes (it will weed out the weak and undeserving)
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore (it's exclusive. Limited market means more desire for the product. i.e. look at sneakerheads)
-It's the tastiest ginger related beverage I have ever had
-Looking at the can will make you grow an extra dick
-It's incredibly carbonated and that's probably good for you. Air is important or whatever
-It has the greatest name of any beverage ever invented by god or man

I dream to one day have people come to my place and when I offer them a drink I can say "I have coke, orange juice, and a couple cans of COCK" and that will totally be cool. It'll be the fucking hip new slang; The Cockerel will take over.

This is one spicy motherfucker to not be passed up on. Seriously, cop on sight.
110% backed.

Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Stick

What is there to say about Beef Jerky that hasn't been written in the Bible? Not much. 

According to wikipedia: Ancient peoples—for example, the Inca—prepared jerky from the animals they hunted or husbanded. Well I don't know shit about hunting or fucking animals but I do know that man is the greatest animal of all and as a man I deserve to enjoy the world's greatest and oldest salt delivery system: Beef Jerky

With that in mind I sat down with some jerky that's commonly available in my neck of the woods: Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Steak.

Ingredients: Beef, Salt, Water, Brown Sugar, Spices, Flavourings (so sketchy), Monosodium Glutamate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrate

I'm going to level with you: Beef Jerky is awful but I think that's a huge part of the charm for me. It's the only time meat gets to be a snack and it's basically designed to be eaten while driving or fishing. 

Right off the bat this jerky stinks. Honestly it smells like Columbus' ship back from the Orient. I'm no jerky connoisseur but this was a lot more stank than the usual commercial jerkys. Also, this thing looks like a belt that my grandfather's had since he got his first boner. But it's par for the course when it comes to salted, spiced meats. 

First bite. My teeth are literally being shoved back up into my gums. Oh my god it fucking hurts. It's not sticking to my teeth so much as it's destroying my will to live. Maybe I'm a pussy who's used to pepperoni sticks (side note: Jack Link's Original X Stick is amazing) but honestly this hurts. It's too thick to be this tough all the way through. Beef Jerky is supposed to be thin enough to snap, not thick enough to bludgeon your mom with when she doesn't let you stay up late enough the watch The Commish.

Moving on to taste. Imagine that you took everything delicious about commercial jerkys and then ignored it, said fuck it and just did whatever the fuck you want. Well it appears someone over at Jack Link's had the foresight to apply such a concept. I don't know what the fuck is Cajun about this. People often get spicy confused with "leave a lump of hot molten lava in the back of your throat". This is no exception. It doesn't taste like anything expect for all-spice and flames. It fucking sucks.

To sum up this was a bummer on all fronts. I know that Jack Link's isn't the gold standard of cured meats but this was the David Hasselhoff of jerky: D-List.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this.

Skip it and find a Slim Jim.

SNACKANOID

Hello snack lovers, do we have great news for you! This blog just went major league. We have added to two contributors: my man Scotty, author of the best blog ever and general snack enthusiast, and the foreign snack master JayBil, who will be posting in depth reviews of some of the intense japanese snacks he has been blogging since 2005. We're excited to add a whole new level to Snack Sabbath. We are now covering the snacksphere in the US, Canada and Japan. Are you ready? Oh... and how about these:

(both pics by JayBil)

Dark Knight x Hershey

I'm a huge fan of Hershey.  I'll always love those Kit Kats, Spoiler knows what I am talking about.  When Hershey began to jazz it up with different variations of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, my life was officially complete.  Reese's Big Cups? Check.  Reese's Peanut Butter Lovers? Check.  Batman Edition Peanut Butter Cups? CHECK! As soon as I heard these were released nationwide, I took myself to the nearest Hershey retailer (aka Target).  There they were.  Someone (ovb dumb) pointed out that the regular version of those Hershey products were available as well, but seriously, I'm paying for pure HYPE.  

• Reese's Bats: Available in Dark Chocolate & Peanut Butter Bats,  Milk Chocolate & Peanut Butter Bats.  I opted for the Milk & Peanut Butter.  Of course they didn't taste any different.  It's similar to buying a pair of shoes that are  sold at Foot Locker versus a pair of sneakers coped at Saint Alfreds, or any sneaker boutique.  Both are essentially the same thing, but the added specialty makes the other meek. The packaging was exciting, and the bat shape, was, well....CUTE.

• Reese's Pieces: Available in same form (Peanut Butter filling, crunchy shell) BUT they are colored in dark blue & black.  I'm not really a fan of Reese's Pieces, but there was no way I wasn't about to cop the 3/3 Hershey's products, not to mention increase my odds of winning a $35g motorcycle.

• Kit Kat Wafer Bar:  I would pin these up in competition to the Bats.  Embossed (love it) with the Bat, and various Dark Knight knick-knack, they also feature  movie facts.
  

All in all, I would say I was impressed.  Good spin on the classics, and did I mention that each version of this candy was available in multiple "Take Home Bags?" No wonder children in America are so obese.  Hershey also created an interactive Dark Knight website, which in my opinion was cooler than the website Pizza Hut created for the film.  I am loving this snack, you better believe I'll be sneaking these babies in when I go see this shit on IMAX.