Wednesday, April 8, 2009

REESE BAR LIMITED EDITION


In 1999 I went to Ieperfest, a large hardcore fest that took place in a small but well known town in the west of Belgium, close to the sea. No, it's ieper, with a capital i, not leper. It was an important location in WWII, and tons of war memorabilia can be found there. The fest itsself has been going since the early '90s and still happens every year. My first time going was the year prior, '98, and I was stoked to be back. Before mp3s were standard issue, this was the ultimate place to go and get your hardcore jams. People travelled from all over Europe to be there, see bands, trade records, buy zines, perhaps even discuss vegan recipes or abortion (even though none of us had seen a vagina before). I was a full on pos-man, rocking my Nikes, camo shorts and bootleg Chain hoodie. I was there with all the Belgian Francs I could save up in the span of one year, and I was going to buy all the records and soy milks I could. I got a couple of great buys, such as the Underdog demos LP on Rev (who liked Underdog back then?), an Infest shirt, and a Project X boot. I also remember being uber bummed to see the very last copy of Breakdown's "Blacklisted" on clear vinyl get snatched right in front of my eyes. At least it was being snatched by Lord Bigma, then frontman of Mainstrike and well respected posman/hardman, so it was kind of cool.

This show was also the very first day that the first issue of my fanzine, Push The Limit was sold (with Limited UC ripoff cover). Near the end of the fest I had a couple of bucks left and a few mildly interesting records in my mind. I was browsing the table of a Belgian poscore label that I forget the name of, I think it was the dude that did Triumph fanzine in 1997. Anyway, he was selling Limited Edition covers for the Atari - Skate Tuff EP. "New EP! Only 50 copies made!" the guy said. As a young man in edge uniform, I must have been a walking target for this elderly hustler of shitty releases. "LIMITED?! Sold!"

You know what happened, right? First off, it was not a new EP, it was the vinyl pressing of their demo. Second of all, I already had the regular version. Third, the "Limited Edition" was a shitty xerox with some random Atari pics that was hand numbered to 50. Once the glory of owning a "rare" record wore off, I realized I had been duped. It's a total classic scam, and I fell for it like a real sucker. That motherfucker probably enjoyed two delicious soy milks or one of Cindy Freys' patended vegan burgers with my money. Like Civ once said... That's not positive!

And then there I was, one decade later, at the Couche Tard down the street. Many seas and oceans away from ieper, not so edge, and not interested in limited pressings of Atari records (though I still like to sing the line "Where were you when none of this was cool? ANYWHERE BUT HERE!" every so often), and I see a Reese's bar.

WAIT... Reese's don't make bars! They make pieces! And sometimes m&m's or ice cream. But not bars! Is this new? I looked at the package and there it was:

LIMITED EDITION

Sold.

I had not learned my lesson.

It is the same thing. It tastes exactly like every other Reese's product. It tastes like chocolate and peanut butter. It is dee-licious. And that, my friends, is the lesson we learn today. Reese's > Atari. Limited editions are the same as unlimited editions. But, limited edibles will soon be gone. Maybe one day I will tell my grand children about the time Reese's made bars, and they will be like "What's Reese's? Can I have a neon asbestos bar?" because that's what kids will eat in the future. And I will look them in the eye and I will say "As long as it's not an Atari bar, kid" and then I will laugh until I start coughing for ten minutes and the kids will be long gone, probably riding a hover board. And right before dozing off for a nap, I will go "Where were you when none of this was cool? ANYWHERE BUT HERE!"

3 comments:

Mills Herman said...

WTF?

Did you go on a diet?

LESS HUNGER!!! MORE SNACKS !!!!

thefleX said...

WWI not WWII

Girlyngdicky SuckerGoogy said...

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