Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I'm In Love! With a Burger!

The best part of going to California is being able to go to IN-N-OUT BURGER .  Anyone who eats burgers and has not tasted a burger from here hasn't lived.  I give this a 10/10 on the burger/snack/food you shouldn't eat-but-eat scale.  100% pure beef, no preservatives, no additives, THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING! The fries are cut inside the restaurant from fresh potatoes, as well.  They even have a "secret-menu" which consists of grilled cheese sandwich, "Animal Style", 3x3 or 4x4 burger.  Delicious. 

Monday, July 28, 2008

Oh Boy! Oberto 100 Calorie Jerky Bites



My old lady bought me these when she was picking up "let's not make babies" pills at the pharmacy yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I've had some of the 100 cal packs before but they were all pretty lackluster. But whatever those are like cookies and crackers and both of those suck ass without lard&sugar/salt respectively. But this is meat so all bets are off.

The first thing that stood out was that there was not a lot of meat in the tiny pack and as a man who eats meat I like my portions like I like my wars on terrorism: unnecessarily huge.

The next thing I noticed was that there was no smell. I know for some people this will be a plus but those people can go suck themselves off. How are my coworkers and neighbors supposed to know how manly I am if they can't smell my beef? Answer: I will have to punch them in face and scream it into their sobbing idiot faces.

My list of petty complaints doesn't end there. All the pieces in my bag were really tiny, like beef flakes instead of thick chunks like I was expecting. I know they're "Bites" and not "Strips" but a bite means splitting the food with your teeth. It refers to the action taken just before chewing. If I can take a handful and head straight to chewing, bypassing biting all together, they should not be called "Bites".

Now for the taste test. It wasn't as spicy or salty as I would've liked but then again I was expecting it to be a little on the bland side. It did however taste like meat which was a pleasant surprise. I sort of half expected it to taste like a shoebox but it was decent. The texture was nice too; thick and tough without feeling like you're eating through a tire.

All in all it's a good enough snack for the healthy-eater set. Low cal, low sodium, low carbs, high protein. In spite of my many complaints I actually did enjoy it a lot and felt less like a dirtbag rapist than I usually do when I eat dried meats. I will definitely eat this again and not just because there are still 7 packs left in the box.

With that said though, I can't give this the Burly-Man-Meat-Eater Seal of Approval, it's just not trashy enough. The fact that this won't fukcing ruin your heart and various arteries worked against it in my rating. It's unfortunate but that the way the beef strips dry.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Tonic Water


So I was on the internet doing things like looking for "The Awesome" and sometimes checking out what time the movie I want to see is playing at, when I came across some pictures of Tonic Water glowing under blacklight. 

Things that glow are generally awesome (The 80s, LaserQuest, Tron…) and it was with that in mind that I decided to get hooked up with some Tonic Water.


Dayglo Abortions had a song called “Two Dogs Fucking” here’s the chorus:

it was two dogs fucking

stuck ass to ass

entwined in bestial romance

I only mention it because the name of their band has “GLO” in it, so it’s relelvant.

I’ll level with you, I haven’t had tonic water since I stopped mixing it with gin when I quit drinking years ago and don’t recall ever drinking it by itself since.

Let me tell you, I wasn’t missing out on anything special. Tonic water tastes like somebody farted in the bath and bottled it.  It is putrid.

It only meets one of the multiple criteria to qualify it as “soda”: carbonation. Bubbles are important but a flat Coke is better than a fizzy Tonic Water any fucking day of the week.

Apparently the shit that makes it glow is called Quinine which as far as a I can tell is comprised entirely out of spousal abuse and shitting yourself in front of mixed company.

This drink sucks.

The only cool thing would’ve been if I had a blacklight but who the fuck has a blacklight unless all you do is smoke weed and listen to Orange Goblin all day.

To sum up: Tonic Water go fuck yourself. You are a fuck and no one likes you. You won’t ever get a handjob that you won’t have to pay for and even when you do pay for "happy endings" you’ll refer to you dick as your “peter”.

You are a fucker. 100% garbage.

I’m not going to mince words, anyone who likes this drink wants to get a few fingers in his dickhole.

 Don’t ever drink this. EVER.

Friday, July 18, 2008

"Yuubari Melon cream and whipped cream Lunchpack"



i still remember when i first discovered Lunchpack. in japan it sucks being vegetarian. everything has like bacon, or ham or fish. but then i discovered these bad boys. the first one i had was the peanut butter sandwich. total lunch time savior. at a convience store a veg dude has like 4 choices. konbu Onigiri(sweet seaweed rice ball), Umeboshi Onigiri(sour plum rice ball), egg salad sandwich, or Lunchpack. for like a buck fifty you get 2 sandwiches with no crust in a lunch pack. occasionally you can get new favors acceptable for veg dudes.

this time that flavor is yuubari melon cream and whipped cream. a yuubari melon is a glorified cantaloupe from hokkaido japan. shit tastes the same but costs way more. the melon cream was basically a cantaloupe flavored pudding. combined with the light puffy fake whipped cream. this sandwich set is pretty good. i would say its more of a dessert sandwich than a lunch sandwich. im not sure if id cop again but i will recommend it to others to try.

this gets a sabbath rating of Rat Salad

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Chocolate Milk!



This isn't so much a specific review as it is a general appreciation of the wonder that is Chocolate Milk. I have no idea who came up with the brilliant idea of taking a bland beverage that previously only existed to make your cereal less boring, and mixing it with the best thing that ever existed: chocolate. Before its creation, you could be eating a nutella sandwich with a chocolate bar, and after your chocolate pudding dessert you could get a little thirsty but not want to ruin the vibe with an otherwise fine beverage (coke, ginger ale, apple juice). You were fucked. But now, thanks to the mysterious genius behind it, you had the option of LIQUID CHOCOLATE. Insane. Life was never quite the same.

This brings me to my first reason why chocolate milk rules. You can drink it with ANYTHING. As a matter of fact I am eating a three cheese macaroni as I'm typing this, and I'm having a delicious Parmalat chocolate milk with it. Great combo. If anyone ever tries to tell you it's bad to drink chocolate milk with certain foods, you have my permission to slap them across the face. With a shovel.

Besides blending perfectly with every food in the world, you can chocolate milk ANY TIME. If I just woke up, I do not want to drink a coke. In fact I am willing to admit I am too much of a pussy to drink anything carbonated in the morning. Chocolate milk though... wakes you right up with that sugar rush. It's like the morning kicks you in the nuts, but in a pleasant manner. Sure you can drink coffee (if you're a loser), but can you drink coffee an hour before bedtime? No. Can you chug down a quart of chocolate milk? Fuck yea you can. It works in the morning, in the evening, for lunch, it even makes an awesome afternoon snack. Could you drink an apple juice at 3 pm and feel full until dinner? Maybe if you're a girl. Not me. I need that thick, near-disgusting fulfillment to hold me over.

Being an avid chocolate milk drinker, I sometimes forget that not everyone is a sweet dude like myself. There are some haters, and they always say the same two lines:

"It's not healthy". Says who? Nutritionists, apparently: "Nutritionists have criticized chocolate milk for its high sugar content. However, a study published in 2006 indicated that chocolate milk aids in recovery when taken after intense athletic workouts. The study authors believe this to be due to its ratio of carbohydrates to protein, among other nutritional properties". There you go, asshole. Why don't you go drink some vitamin water (haha!) while I become a huge beefcake just from drinking the best tasting drink on the planet. Anyways, "The study was small in scale and partially funded by the dairy industry, but the results may warrant further study". See, everyone knows that the dairy industry is always right, so I win. I think one time they said that Nick Lachey is an asshole, and boy were they ever right.

The second 'argument' is that it's for 5 year-olds. Even the canadian dairy industry is against me on this one: "In a recent study done in schoolboards across Canada, chocolate milk was the most popular drink among children between the ages of five and ten". Well guess what, 5 year olds know their shit, man. Their minds are not yet occupied with distractions such as money, getting laid, sports, or the Cro-Mags. They know three things: toys, sugary beverages, and the fact that girls smell. Don't fuck with them. They know, and they say chocolate milk is the illest. Who are you to disagree? You were once 5, and you were probably way cooler then. Now you're into reading the newspaper and the stock market. Pussy.

I love chocolate milk so much that I don't even notice the brands. It's like pizza, if it's bad it's still good. I will drink 'em all. Thick, thin, creamy, chocolate soy milk, fake milkshake (aka melted ice cream in a box, aka delicious). Bring it on. Let me level with you, I love chocolate so much that I will consume it in any way I can. I don't care in which medium, and I don't care if some brands' milk is a little softer than the other. Just give me my chocolate already.

Finally, there is one minor setback to the party that is chocolate milk: it goes bad. If you happen to step into some miserable cornerstore where no one awesome ever goes, and thus no one ever buys chocolate milk, you might get dicked into buying a stale chocolate milk. But it's the risk that makes life truly worth living, isn't it? Only a real man would blindly chug a box of possibly sour milk, because he knows the risk is never greater than the cause. Chocolate milk separates the men from the boys. The 5 year-old with the chocolate milk in his hand is a thousand times the man you are, with your safe little drink that could never go bad. Go on, be safe. Be well. Drink a light beverage with your meal. And we will go and drink chocolate milk, and live like kings. Kings.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Big Chocolate Carl.



Big Chocolate Carl sounds like an old pr0n. I think its supposed to be curl but they have that mustachioed mascot dude so I call them carls. It makes them taste better. and as a double added bonus the name Carl makes me think of aqua teen hunger force(south bronx paradise baby). carls in general rule, these are no exception. its a tiny bag and there are only liky 10-12 in there but that is good. forced portion control! if not i would end up eating a million of these. plus peep the ill frog mascot on the package.
so these are chocolate carls covered in dark chocolate. fuck milk chocolate. i think ill only fuck with milk chocolate if its like a hersheys kiss or something. a carl is a crispy/crunchy puff snack. like a cheese doodle but not like a cheese doodle at all(ha!) i think actually im gonna cop these at lunch time for a round 2.

on a Sabbath scale i give these a rating of "Children of the Grave".

Cool Ranch Doritos



I don't remember when I had my first taste of this tangy ranch delicacy, but I know I was probably incredibly young and I probably had them in Vermont as they weren't available in my neighborhood for a really long time. Even now I can find it around but it's completely hit or miss.

I've always had a particular affinity for Doritos; the fake cheese taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon orange fingers... It was magic to a kid like me. But then you try a new spin on this old standard and it fucking tosses you on your head. It still constantly blows my mind that Cool Ranch Doritos are so similar to regular Doritos and yet so completely fucking different. It's like when you read a classic Superman story and then you read Superman: Red Son (an "Elseworlds" type story about Superman's rocket landing in Russia instead of the Midwest); it has the bulk of the same elements but with a few "Oh Goddamns" tossed in. Note: Superman: Red Son is the gold standard for modern superhero storytelling.

The beauty of Cool Ranch Doritos is that you still get all the same key shit as you do with regular Doritos; the delicious fake taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon fingers (sort of an ecru as opposed to orange) but you also get a tangy new twist. It's that tangy explosion that makes the difference. It lends itself extremely well to providing you with a full and complete flavor. With regular Doritos the flavor is limited to the orange dust caked on the outside of the chip but the tangy is like a virus; it embeds itself into the inner workings of the chip so even if you were one of those gross kids who has to lick the fucking taste off of everything before eating it, you're still left with a flavourful chip.

Good:
-Delicious taste that is unlike anything found in nature
-Crispy as fuck (unless you get a stale bag which happens altogether too often around Montreal)
-Still stains your fingers but the white is easier to get out when you stain your pants (you will)
-Has been around long enough so you can jock it without feeling like a trend jumper (I'm looking your direction Sweet Chili Heat worshipers)
-Doesn't smell as strong as regular Doritos so when your whole mouth and face stink like junk food for the rest of the day (which they will) it will be a ton more tolerable

Bad:
-If you don't like Doritos then you won't like these and you're an idiot
-If you like and expect traditional (re: real) ranch flavour you're in the wrong place
-Intense flavor can overpower light-sodas so you're best to stick with Coke or Mr.Pibb over Sprite or Fresca. Exception: Mountain Dew


In conclusion the good clearly outweighs the bad and if you think the bad things are "bad" then you are a pussy who drinks Fresca and does not like his tortillas flavoured to the Nth degree.
Any time I'm headed to the States this is always at the top of my "shit to stock up on so my cupboards have no room for real food" list.
For those of you that aren't already hip to the greatness that is Cool Ranch Doritos, cop a bag and lose yourself in it's delicious synthetic flavours.

P.S. In other countries these are called Cool American Doritos

Friday, July 11, 2008

7/11, Holiday!

7-Eleven chains everywhere there is a store. They will be giving out FREE SLURPEES to celebrate the day the Slurpee was created. The Slurpee was created in 1967, btw.


Fun facts about the Slurpee:The most slurpees are sold in Manitoba, Canada. They average about 5,990 Slurpees a month.
  • The Slurpee capital of the world is currently Winnipeg, but Kennewick, WA is currently trying to steal the crown.
  • Slurpees are mostly water ice and are heavily infused with nitrogen; there is less food energy in a Slurpee than in the same volume of a soda of the same name.

Oh, the options! What will I get? Fanta Wild Cherry? The Coca-Cola Classic? Jolly Rancher Green Apple?

Anchovies

I had my first anchovy at the tender age of 8. I didn't have pubes yet but I did have an unparalleled love for the Ninja Turtles and if they were going to breakdance and eat midget fish then I was too. Breakdancing proved to be too hard and I had to spend the gross majority of my time trying growing pubes anyway so I said fuck it and stuck to eating weirdo fish.

What I noticed right away was how fucking manly I felt. I was able to put fistfuls of complete animals into my mouth at the same time. Entire beings from start to finish, from tip to tail, just stockpiled in my mouth like clowns in a funny car. Completely ridiculous. I felt like an evil ocean overlord. I still get (and love) that feeling.

I know anchovies are like a blanket food in that I'm basically covering the whole anchovy spectrum instead of one specific brand but let's call it like it is; all anchovies taste alike.

I don't view that as a weakness but as a strength. It means you're always guaranteed to get a good batch. What other food can you say that about. Wait, fuck that, what other meat can make a lofty claim along those lines. None.

Fun fact 1:Anchovy is to fish what Cookie Crisp is to cookies. (SAT material)

Fun fact 2:Anchovies occasionally look like vulvas.

I know that a lot of people have beef over the ratio of salty:fishy:acceptable for human consumption (which looks something like 800:800:5) but they're babies who probably poop themselves or have been molested by an uncle (just a hunch). Imagine you stopped walking because using your legs was too hard, well your muscles would atrophy and you would never be able to run away from bears or bees (both are into honey). The same goes for your tongue. It's the most powerful muscle in your body and if you don't challenge it with awesome food like tiny fish that tastes like sour tuna and boogers then you won't be able to enjoy a milkshake or a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (reviewed in the next few weeks) to their full, glorious potential. Why the fuck would you want to do that? Answer: you hate yourself because you were touched inappropriately at a family BBQ.

Here are some more facts about anchovies to reinforce my point:
1. Good on their own
2. Good on pizza
3. Increase the amount of semen that a man produces (check fact with doctor)

In all seriousness though, I've been in love with anchovies since I was a little kid and aside from my vegetarian hiatus these have been a steady part of my diet ever since. I can't think of a single food that can enhance a pizza to the kind of level that anchovies do, nor can I think of an easier, more delicious, or cheaper source of unnecessary sodium. I feel like I've accomplished something after sitting down and eating a tin of these yummy bastards. Like my taste buds have just been sent to boot camp (Maury Povich circa early 2000's). I just feel like I've kicked some salty fish ass, like these little bastards are pissed to have been captured and killed and their final revenge is to explode with intense ocean flavour in your mouth rendering you to tears and/or ulcers but because I'm virile and potent I have powered through and made it out the other side more manly and more full of baby making possibilities than ever before.

Go out and get a couple tins for under a buck, get some saltine crackers, and get some hot mustard and go fucking crazy. You'll either go blind or discover the secret of life.

Good Luck and Godspeed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

O'zack "spicy curry" flavor

Japan is the land of seasonal/limited snacks. convience store culture is huge here. they play a huge part in everyones life. you pay your bills and shit there. so im in a convience store pretty much everyday. i always peep the snack sections for anything new to try(which ends up being every couple of weeks)

this time i copped these chips.

these things were a huge let down. you open the bag and they smell amazing. strong curry flavor. but once you dig in you get bummed out. they taste like regular fucking chips with a hint of flavor. shit, they arnt even that spicy. these things were a total bumout. and on top of it the chips themselves arnt good. they remind me of those shitty old chips we used to have in the states - O'Boisies. worst.

in closing, if i was to rate these on an Sabbath type scale. these would rate as "kelly osbourne"

Sunday, July 6, 2008

2008 Taste of Chicago


The Taste of Chicago is the world's largest food festival in the United States.  Located conveniently in my city, I usually go and eat with no disregard to anything or anyone.  This year I decided to get more into my food consumption a little bit more attention.  The Taste of Chicago features over 70 food vendors and brings in millions (sometimes 1 million each day alone).  You can find anything and everything here.  Food is purchased with tickets, 12 tickets for $8.  What does that get you?  NOTHING!!! Most basic entrees cost about 9-10 tickets, and most "Taste" portions (smaller portions of the foods) cost at least 4.   Here is what I consumed in one trip to the Taste:

Rib Sandwich- I have never had a real rib sandwich until now, usually I get the vegan version, and I was super into it.  What made this sandwich as delicious as it was?  BBQ SAUCE.  Perfect sauce overload, handmade BBQ sauce, loved it...until I dropped it on the floor and declared myself defeated.

Mango Italian Ice- Some of you might know it as "Water Ice" this is one of the reasons why I'm glad the Italians have such a a big influence on Chicago.  This one was made not from flavoring, but from Mango purees.  Italian Ice is made the same way that ice cream is made, and is technically a sorbet, but not really.  Miko's Italian Ice in Chicago offers these for $1.25 a scoop, I coughed up $4.  Well worth it, the flavor of Mango was on point, not too tangy and not too bland.
Banana Crepes-  This was from the same joint that I bought the Mango Italian Ice from.  The presentation looked great, but the banana was not a good option for the inside.  It was too bland, and the chocolate syrup was way too abrasive for the overall sweetness.  They should've put Nutella inside the crepe instead, and offered up strawberries.

Nutella Crepe-  I am a freak for anything Nutella.  After realizing I made a mistake in trying the banana crepes, I decided to get the Nutella Crepe...Perfect.  Just enough Nutella on the inside, not too much whipped cream, not to mention this time the flavoring of the chocolate syrup was perfect with the other combined flavors.

Chicago Style Hot dogs-Mustard, Onions,Sweet Pickle Relish, Dill Pickle, Peppers, Tomatos, Celery Salt= Chicago Style.  Originated in 1929, this is a Chicago STAPLE..  Supposedly, there are supposed to be more hot dog joints in Chicago than all other fast food restaurants combined.  The only rule about Chicago Style that I break?  KETCHUP.  Putting ketchup on a Chicago dog is supposed to be sacrilegious, but whatever, this rule may be broken.

Giant Turkey Leg-  I only tasted this, because to eat it would be the equivalent of eating my own weight, basically.  Giant turkey leg with BBQ Sauce & Louisana Hot Sauce added on makes for an interesting taste.  This thing is HUGE.  Imagine tons of people chewing on this with no precautions: sauce all over their faces, sans bibs trying to dominate this turkey leg.  

All in all, I'm still full to say the least.  The Nutella Crepes and Italian Ice were #1 in my book for the night, and I spent over $40 and STILL wanted to eat ( chocolate covered bananas & funnel cakes get an I.O.U.).  If you ever get a chance to go, check it out, but get there early before all the fatsos come and pillage the Taste for all its worth.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer


I'm a coke guy, actually diet coke to be specific, and tend to drink nothing but that or water, but I decided recently to scope out what else is out there drink wise. Unless it's a Pepsi product, in which case fuck that, I know where my loyalties lie.

So I'm at the IGA browsing through the soda isle which I'd just like to mention sucks in comparison to American soda isles, and I'm seeing what they have to offer.
Dr. Pepper: good but whatever.
Root Beer: lame.
Cream Soda: I'm not 12.

I need a fucking man's soda. A robust cola or a delicate gentleman's brew. Something that I can be proud to pound straight from the can. And then sitting there in the dull glow of cheap grocery store lighting I found salvation: Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer.

I could tell I was in for a good time right away. One: there's a rooster on the can and I like roosters. Two: it has the word cock in it. Three: it makes me feel like I should go out and fight some orcs or like goblins and shit. I don't know what it is exactly, aside from the combination of so many awesome elements that gives me such a huge boner for this can, but whatever it is it totally makes me grow a big rubbery hog.

It's also important to note that this is made by Canada Dry and while my knowledge of Ginger Ales and Beers isn't Yoda-esque, Canada Dry is the high watermark without question.

Without hesitation I cracked this son of a bitch open. It was glorious. It smelled like orgy fantasies and winning the lottery. It was like ginger ale had been doing roids in the bathroom and then fucking punched through the wall to come out and shake my hand. It smelled sexy and untamed. I felt like I was in the wild west of soft drinks. This motherfucker was pungent. I almost wanted to bottle it and spray in the eyes of my enemies. It was so strong and awesome.

I was so stoked to take my first sip that I almost spilled it all over myself. As soon as it hit my tongue I was in flavour country. It was spicy as fuck. I don't know the difference between ginger ales and beers but I can guess it's about a thousand pounds of flavor. It felt like my tongue was covered in little tiny pins. It was like acupuncture for my taste buds. Sure it hurt, but it hurt the way getting your hair pulled while fucking hurts: rewarding and dangerous.

It was amazing. It was tasty and painful and delightful. It was just a whole fucking ginger experience.

Alright let's wrap it up:

Neg.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore
-Not available in 6, 12, or 24 packs
-Too powerful to be chugged down/not ideal for when you're dying of thirst

Pos.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes (it will weed out the weak and undeserving)
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore (it's exclusive. Limited market means more desire for the product. i.e. look at sneakerheads)
-It's the tastiest ginger related beverage I have ever had
-Looking at the can will make you grow an extra dick
-It's incredibly carbonated and that's probably good for you. Air is important or whatever
-It has the greatest name of any beverage ever invented by god or man

I dream to one day have people come to my place and when I offer them a drink I can say "I have coke, orange juice, and a couple cans of COCK" and that will totally be cool. It'll be the fucking hip new slang; The Cockerel will take over.

This is one spicy motherfucker to not be passed up on. Seriously, cop on sight.
110% backed.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Stick



What is there to say about Beef Jerky that hasn't been written in the Bible? Not much. 


According to wikipedia: Ancient peoples—for example, the Inca—prepared jerky from the animals they hunted or husbanded. Well I don't know shit about hunting or fucking animals but I do know that man is the greatest animal of all and as a man I deserve to enjoy the world's greatest and oldest salt delivery system: Beef Jerky


With that in mind I sat down with some jerky that's commonly available in my neck of the woods: Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Steak.


Ingredients: Beef, Salt, Water, Brown Sugar, Spices, Flavourings (so sketchy), Monosodium Glutamate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrate


I'm going to level with you: Beef Jerky is awful but I think that's a huge part of the charm for me. It's the only time meat gets to be a snack and it's basically designed to be eaten while driving or fishing. 



Right off the bat this jerky stinks. Honestly it smells like Columbus' ship back from the Orient. I'm no jerky connoisseur but this was a lot more stank than the usual commercial jerkys. Also, this thing looks like a belt that my grandfather's had since he got his first boner. But it's par for the course when it comes to salted, spiced meats. 


First bite. My teeth are literally being shoved back up into my gums. Oh my god it fucking hurts. It's not sticking to my teeth so much as it's destroying my will to live. Maybe I'm a pussy who's used to pepperoni sticks (side note: Jack Link's Original X Stick is amazing) but honestly this hurts. It's too thick to be this tough all the way through. Beef Jerky is supposed to be thin enough to snap, not thick enough to bludgeon your mom with when she doesn't let you stay up late enough the watch The Commish.


Moving on to taste. Imagine that you took everything delicious about commercial jerkys and then ignored it, said fuck it and just did whatever the fuck you want. Well it appears someone over at Jack Link's had the foresight to apply such a concept. I don't know what the fuck is Cajun about this. People often get spicy confused with "leave a lump of hot molten lava in the back of your throat". This is no exception. It doesn't taste like anything expect for all-spice and flames. It fucking sucks.


To sum up this was a bummer on all fronts. I know that Jack Link's isn't the gold standard of cured meats but this was the David Hasselhoff of jerky: D-List.


I cannot in good conscience recommend this.

Skip it and find a Slim Jim.

SNACKANOID

Hello snack lovers, do we have great news for you! This blog just went major league. We have added to two contributors: my man Scotty, author of the best blog ever and general snack enthusiast, and the foreign snack master JayBil, who will be posting in depth reviews of some of the intense japanese snacks he has been blogging since 2005. We're excited to add a whole new level to Snack Sabbath. We are now covering the snacksphere in the US, Canada and Japan. Are you ready? Oh... and how about these:

(both pics by JayBil)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Dark Knight x Hershey

I'm a huge fan of Hershey.  I'll always love those Kit Kats, Spoiler knows what I am talking about.  When Hershey began to jazz it up with different variations of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, my life was officially complete.  Reese's Big Cups? Check.  Reese's Peanut Butter Lovers? Check.  Batman Edition Peanut Butter Cups? CHECK! As soon as I heard these were released nationwide, I took myself to the nearest Hershey retailer (aka Target).  There they were.  Someone (ovb dumb) pointed out that the regular version of those Hershey products were available as well, but seriously, I'm paying for pure HYPE.  


  • Reese's Bats: Available in Dark Chocolate & Peanut Butter Bats,  Milk Chocolate & Peanut Butter Bats.  I opted for the Milk & Peanut Butter.  Of course they didn't taste any different.  It's similar to buying a pair of shoes that are  sold at Foot Locker versus a pair of sneakers coped at Saint Alfreds, or any sneaker boutique.  Both are essentially the same thing, but the added specialty makes the other meek. The packaging was exciting, and the bat shape, was, well....CUTE.
  • Reese's Pieces: Available in same form (Peanut Butter filling, crunchy shell) BUT they are colored in dark blue & black.  I'm not really a fan of Reese's Pieces, but there was no way I wasn't about to cop the 3/3 Hershey's products, not to mention increase my odds of winning a $35g motorcycle.
  • Kit Kat Wafer Bar:  I would pin these up in competition to the Bats.  Embossed (love it) with the Bat, and various Dark Knight knick-knack, they also feature  movie facts.


All in all, I would say I was impressed.  Good spin on the classics, and did I mention that each version of this candy was available in multiple "Take Home Bags?" No wonder children in America are so obese.  Hershey also created an interactive Dark Knight website, which in my opinion was cooler than the website Pizza Hut created for the film.  I am loving this snack, you better believe I'll be sneaking these babies in when I go see this shit on IMAX.