Saturday, November 8, 2008

Interview With Martin Stewart

Below you will find an interview about Snacks with Martin Stewart from every single band ever from California (Terror, Donnybrook, L.I.O.N, Potential Snack Themed Jackyl Cover Band...) and not Martin Stewart the keyboard player from ska band extraordinaire, Bad Manners.

Here it is (p.s. prepare to have your life fucked with like the lacrosse team just slipped you some roofies.)

SNACK SABBATH: You're a well-traveled dude, touring the world and junk, so I'm assuming you've had the opportunity to chow down on Snacks all across the globe. With that in mind, what in your opinion is the Snack capital of the world? In terms of quality.

MARTIN: Definitely the US, that's why we're such slobs for the most part. The great thing about the snack game in the US is that you can find snacks from pretty much any part of the world if you just look for it. There's certain snacks that I've gotten myself hooked on when I'm in a different country and am able to find at home once I get back. You could say that we have the snack game on lock.

SNACK SABBATH: I'd be inclined to agree as well. I still have to travel to the states to pick up Cherry Coke and 4 liter jugs of Arizona Iced Tea.

MARTIN: Cherry Coke is unbelievable. Even better than the jugs of Arizona is the jugs of Tea / Lemonade from Wawa. You can only get those on the East side of the country though.

SNACK SABBATH: Can you give me some examples of the type of Snacks you've fallen in love with on the road?

MARTIN: For the longest time in the U.S. I was hooked on these chip-like things called "BBQ Twists". I felt like I had to get some every time we made a stop. Japan had my favorite snack combo so far. They were a Japanese version of Koala Yummies which is like a small 3D cookie or cracker in the shape of a koala with chocolate inside. I would get some of those and a Milk Tea. They only sell Milk Tea in Japan or if you find an authentic Asian market somewhere. SO GOOD.

SNACK SABBATH: Seeing as we're getting international with Snacking, what do you think of Snacking in Quebec? I know your significant other is from this beautiful province so I'm sure you've had a chance to get hooked up with The Almighty Poutine on more than one occasion.

MARTIN: Let me start by saying that I'm not a fan of poutine AT ALL. I've tried it many times over again thinking that maybe my tasting experience was soured because of either the establishment making the poutine or maybe even the snacking mood I was in, but every time I still come out unsatisfied. I just can't get around that strange squeaking of the cheese. I love Harvey's and Ashton is always great after a long night of alcohol consumption. I'm a huge fan of the abundance of A&W throughout Canada, some very good snacking there. Your ice cream shops are the jam though.

SNACK SABBATH: I can understand not digging curd cheese. I was raised on it so I take for granted that people don't want their dairy sounding like plastic wrap. Have you ever tried an "Ontario Poutine"? It's the same thing except the cheese used is just plain grated cheddar. FYI this is viewed as inferior by all true poutine connoisseurs.

MARTIN: Even though I don't like poutine I definitely respect the fact that if I did like it that Quebec would be the only place to get it since they do it the best. You can find fake poutine in the states sometimes under the name "Disco Fries". How corny is that?

SNACK SABBATH: When my girlfriend and I are sleeping in bed and we're spooning and shit and she isn't wearing any undies I like to rest my weiner between her butt cheeks. Sort of like just docking my cock if you will. Like a ship waiting for its chance to sail again. Thoughts?

MARTIN: I was under the impression that "docking" was when 2 uncircumcised men connect their foreskin and simultaneously jerk each other off?

SNACK SABBATH: Holy shit, that's amazing. I wonder what Spoiler's doing later.
Being from California, what are the top Snacks that other parts of the globe are totally missing out on?

MARTIN: I'm not exactly clear on the definition of snacking so I'm not sure if my first instinctual response to this question is valid, but the rest of the world flat out sucks when it comes to making Mexican food. Southern California Mexican even puts Mexican food from Mexico to absolute shame. It's always funny when I'm around the globe and some locals try to rant and rave about their special burrito spot and then when you try it out you're wishing that you had just eaten Taco Bell instead. No disrespect to T-Bell, I love the place. Mexican food and In-n-Out Burger. There's not really much else in the snack realm that Cali's got on lock. Canada's got to get into Jamba Juice though.

SNACK SABBATH: What would you say makes the Mexican food in California so much better? Geographical location?

MARTIN: Just the whole experience of going to a small Taqueria where they don't really speak English, the way it smells inside, the way the juke box always manages to randomly blast some wild music in the middle of your dining session. It's weird that we're so close to Mexico in So. Cal. but the food here is so much better than in Mexico. It's probably just the magic in the air of our beautiful state that makes it taste so damn good.

SNACK SABBATH: If you were driving your car and then you ran over a witch and just fucking ruined her and then before she died she cursed you and turned you into a hamburger and then sent you to a deserted island would you be willing to maybe gnaw off an arm to stay alive?

MARTIN: So does that mean that only my torso is a hamburger and I still have my normal arms and legs? If so, my answer is no. I wouldn't eat my arm because that would probably taste like garbage. On the other hand, I would eat some of my delicious torso. Not even to stay alive though, but just because I taste so damn good.

SNACK SABBATH: Follow-up question 1: What kind of burger do you think you'd be? I think I'd be a Big Mac and I would spill my special sauce wherever the fuck I wanted.

MARTIN: I'd be a double-double from In-n-Out. Always fresh and so exclusive & cool.

SNACK SABBATH: Follow-up question 2: Why were you not constantly on the lookout for witches while driving?

MARTIN: That's obvious, witches fly in front of the moon not your car. There's no reason to watch out for them unless you're in a flying machine or on a broom yourself.

SNACK SABBATH: Have you ever considered starting a band called Snackyl that only plays Jackyl covers but with the lyrics changed to reflect your love of snacks?


I was born in the snackwoods
Of a two-bit nowhere town
Fathered up some Coca-Cola (baby)
So you muthers could snack on down
I ain't whistling dixie
No, I'm a rebel with a real smooth cock
All around the world they go 'round and 'round
When they dig on my chocolate milk sound

I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm gonna snack you down to size
I'm a lumbersnack baby
And you're the snack that snacks my snack
And when snack snack my snack snacking
You know I snack be snackin' a snack
So I'm gonna show you my dick and snack up and snack snack

I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm a lumbersnack snack baby
I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm a lumbersnack snacky
But I snack snacked my snacks snack
Since snacks snack snack snacks

MARTIN: Absolutely not. But since you seem to have this band so figured out already I'd be more than happy to join.

SNACK SABBATH: I'll send you demos by the end of the week.


Top 5 favorite snacks of all time in any order you see fit.

(in no particular order)
1. Big Texas Cinnamon Roll
2. Cinnamon & Sugar Pretzel Sticks from Auntie Anne's Pretzel's
3. Orange Dream Machine from Jamba Juice
4. Perfectly ripe fruit
5. Banana Creme Blast from Sonic Burger

SNACK SABBATH: Coke or Pepsi?

MARTIN: Pepsi by far.

SNACK SABBATH: Most underrated Snack?

MARTIN: Koala Yummies.

SNACK SABBATH: Most overhyped Snack?

MARTIN: Potato Chip.

SNACK SABBATH: And that concludes our interview. Any closing thoughts you would like to add? Perhaps how this was the greatest interview you've ever participated in? What about cock docking? Pretty cool right?

MARTIN: This interview is THE greatest interview I have ever participated in! Isn't that weird!? I would like to add the suggestion of checking out my blog "". It's not updated daily, but enough to be significant. Cock docking, no homo. Look up frotting. Google. com.

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