QFT

DRAKE'S COFFEE CAKE

Being of European decent, I grew up watching a lot of American TV shows, and they featured a lot of things that were not available to me in my surroundings. This could be anything from Yoohoo, to the Empire State Building, to palm trees, to Pamela Anderson, to Hollywood Boulevard. In my early twenties, I got to see a good number of those things with my own eyes while touring. Some of them were rewarding (Yoohoo), some of them not so much (Hollywood Boulevard). I've since moved to Canada, where a good number of "things from the tv" are common (not a lot of palm trees though). Last weekend I managed to find a gem in the state of New York, one I had never seen, and never fully realized was a real product, sold to the common man: I found a Drake's Coffee Cake.
To be completely honest, I am reviewing the experience moreso than the actual coffee cake because I can barely remember the actual coffee cake. I was in a higher state of being, you see. I bought the thing with a huge smile on my face, walked over to the van, and announced that I had just found a Drake's Coffee Cake. I didn't hear anyone's response, though I can imagine someone might have referred to how funny that is since only a day earlier I had said the Omegas should go to Monk's and take a group shot in front of the Restaurant sign for the LP cover, then a shot of us eating at a table for the back cover. But, if this was said, I didn't hear it. I was picturing myself being Newman, and everyone else in the van as the cast of Seinfeld. Tony was Kramer, Dan was George, Ryan was Jerry, Skibra was Peterman, Yan was Puddy, and that leaves Jay as Elaine. Matt was actually not a Seinfeld character, he was Frankie Coffee Cake (get the reference for bonus points). But instead of trying to bribe me with Drake's Coffee Cake, or stealing it from me, I was eating it like I was intended to. I consumed that thing like there was no tomorrow, like I had just told the world that zip codes don't mean anything. I remember the cake being very soft and fluffy, and there was a brown sugar covering the top. I think there was some cinnamon involved, but the memory is hazy. I now know that Drake's Coffee Cake is real, and that it can be purchased in New York. I will live on being torn between the glory of having eaten the DCC, and the pain of not fully remembering it's flavors, until I find myself eating another. It may be this confusing state of mind brought forth by the DCC that had Elaine, George and myself (Newman) in such a frenzy in the first place. It is like a holy grail of snacks. Even if you believe it exists, even if you hold it in your own hands, even if you eat it with your own mouth, you can still never truly taste it. You must keep eating it, and eating it, and keep trying. Drake's Coffee Cake symbolizes freedom: one knows it can never truly be obtained, yet one must never give up it's quest.

Having Munchies x Eating Munchies

Sometimes I smoke weed. Sometimes I like to eat hash muffins from this lady that hangs out at this local bar.  I get stoned and go in search of food.  One of my favorite things to eat sober and not sober are Lay's Munchies...the Flamin' Hot being my bag of choice.  Let me give you the rundown:

• DORITOS
  
• CHEETOS
  
• SUN CHIPS
  
• ROLD GOLD PRETZELS
  

I'm Mexican so I love anything that is hot, minus Miami.  The seasonings are so dope, I end up eating the entire thing, and honestly, that's not very attractive, but who the fuck cares. I love Picante flavor anything,  and they are so good I don't even care my fingers end up with the red powder from the Flamin' Hot Cheetos.  The Sun Chip x Cheeto collabo is on fire!! If I was Mariah Carey, I'd have these on my roster every night.  According to the serving size, its 3/4th a cup, but to me that says, "Eat the whole bag, who cares."  Seriously, so good.  Oh, and another thing, the great thing about getting these stoned is that you no longer have to purchase 4 bags of potato chips and look like "that guy."  Problem solved, snack solved.

Reese's Whipps

Sometimes companies rip off other companies but then make the product better, like what white people did with soul music (see Hall and Oates). Well Reese’s just ripped off the 3 Musketeers bar from the black man that is Mars Inc.

The Reese’s Whipps tastes exactly like if a 3 Musketeers was filled with peanut butter (that was made completely out of icing sugar). It’s so good it’s almost criminal I haven’t seen any ads for this delicious treat. If I could design an ad for it it would basically look something like:

A child gets hit by a speeding car and he's bleeding out badly. He's hemorrhaging. A stranger stops his car and throws 500-600 candy bars at the injured child.

MAN
Won't be needing these anymore.

He then pulls out a Reese's Whipps and drives off at 200 miles an hour straight into a brick wall.

Roll credits/give me my fucking Oscar.
***

Pros:

-All the pb is uniform, no lumps, no air pockets.

-The chocolate casing is thick enough so that I can still tell I’m eating a chocolate bar and not just a fucking brick of pb.

-Unlike a 3 Muskateers, the chocolate casing doesn’t splinter off when you bite into it so you always have the same ratio off chocolate to peanut butter

Cons:

-A little bit tinier than a 3 Muskateers

-Could have added a thin layer of caramel like Mars bars have.


Injured children and speed demons love this shit

Interview With Martin Stewart

Below you will find an interview about Snacks with Martin Stewart from every single band ever from California (Terror, Donnybrook, L.I.O.N, Potential Snack Themed Jackyl Cover Band...) and not Martin Stewart the keyboard player from ska band extraordinaire, Bad Manners.

Here it is (p.s. prepare to have your life fucked with like the lacrosse team just slipped you some roofies.)

SNACK SABBATH: You're a well-traveled dude, touring the world and junk, so I'm assuming you've had the opportunity to chow down on Snacks all across the globe. With that in mind, what in your opinion is the Snack capital of the world? In terms of quality.

MARTIN: Definitely the US, that's why we're such slobs for the most part. The great thing about the snack game in the US is that you can find snacks from pretty much any part of the world if you just look for it. There's certain snacks that I've gotten myself hooked on when I'm in a different country and am able to find at home once I get back. You could say that we have the snack game on lock.

SNACK SABBATH: I'd be inclined to agree as well. I still have to travel to the states to pick up Cherry Coke and 4 liter jugs of Arizona Iced Tea.

MARTIN: Cherry Coke is unbelievable. Even better than the jugs of Arizona is the jugs of Tea / Lemonade from Wawa. You can only get those on the East side of the country though.

SNACK SABBATH: Can you give me some examples of the type of Snacks you've fallen in love with on the road?

MARTIN: For the longest time in the U.S. I was hooked on these chip-like things called "BBQ Twists". I felt like I had to get some every time we made a stop. Japan had my favorite snack combo so far. They were a Japanese version of Koala Yummies which is like a small 3D cookie or cracker in the shape of a koala with chocolate inside. I would get some of those and a Milk Tea. They only sell Milk Tea in Japan or if you find an authentic Asian market somewhere. SO GOOD.

SNACK SABBATH: Seeing as we're getting international with Snacking, what do you think of Snacking in Quebec? I know your significant other is from this beautiful province so I'm sure you've had a chance to get hooked up with The Almighty Poutine on more than one occasion.

MARTIN: Let me start by saying that I'm not a fan of poutine AT ALL. I've tried it many times over again thinking that maybe my tasting experience was soured because of either the establishment making the poutine or maybe even the snacking mood I was in, but every time I still come out unsatisfied. I just can't get around that strange squeaking of the cheese. I love Harvey's and Ashton is always great after a long night of alcohol consumption. I'm a huge fan of the abundance of A&W throughout Canada, some very good snacking there. Your ice cream shops are the jam though.

SNACK SABBATH: I can understand not digging curd cheese. I was raised on it so I take for granted that people don't want their dairy sounding like plastic wrap. Have you ever tried an "Ontario Poutine"? It's the same thing except the cheese used is just plain grated cheddar. FYI this is viewed as inferior by all true poutine connoisseurs.

MARTIN: Even though I don't like poutine I definitely respect the fact that if I did like it that Quebec would be the only place to get it since they do it the best. You can find fake poutine in the states sometimes under the name "Disco Fries". How corny is that?

SNACK SABBATH: When my girlfriend and I are sleeping in bed and we're spooning and shit and she isn't wearing any undies I like to rest my weiner between her butt cheeks. Sort of like just docking my cock if you will. Like a ship waiting for its chance to sail again. Thoughts?

MARTIN: I was under the impression that "docking" was when 2 uncircumcised men connect their foreskin and simultaneously jerk each other off?

SNACK SABBATH: Holy shit, that's amazing. I wonder what Spoiler's doing later.
Being from California, what are the top Snacks that other parts of the globe are totally missing out on?

MARTIN: I'm not exactly clear on the definition of snacking so I'm not sure if my first instinctual response to this question is valid, but the rest of the world flat out sucks when it comes to making Mexican food. Southern California Mexican even puts Mexican food from Mexico to absolute shame. It's always funny when I'm around the globe and some locals try to rant and rave about their special burrito spot and then when you try it out you're wishing that you had just eaten Taco Bell instead. No disrespect to T-Bell, I love the place. Mexican food and In-n-Out Burger. There's not really much else in the snack realm that Cali's got on lock. Canada's got to get into Jamba Juice though.

SNACK SABBATH: What would you say makes the Mexican food in California so much better? Geographical location?

MARTIN: Just the whole experience of going to a small Taqueria where they don't really speak English, the way it smells inside, the way the juke box always manages to randomly blast some wild music in the middle of your dining session. It's weird that we're so close to Mexico in So. Cal. but the food here is so much better than in Mexico. It's probably just the magic in the air of our beautiful state that makes it taste so damn good.

SNACK SABBATH: If you were driving your car and then you ran over a witch and just fucking ruined her and then before she died she cursed you and turned you into a hamburger and then sent you to a deserted island would you be willing to maybe gnaw off an arm to stay alive?

MARTIN: So does that mean that only my torso is a hamburger and I still have my normal arms and legs? If so, my answer is no. I wouldn't eat my arm because that would probably taste like garbage. On the other hand, I would eat some of my delicious torso. Not even to stay alive though, but just because I taste so damn good.

SNACK SABBATH: Follow-up question 1: What kind of burger do you think you'd be? I think I'd be a Big Mac and I would spill my special sauce wherever the fuck I wanted.

MARTIN: I'd be a double-double from In-n-Out. Always fresh and so exclusive & cool.

SNACK SABBATH: Follow-up question 2: Why were you not constantly on the lookout for witches while driving?

MARTIN: That's obvious, witches fly in front of the moon not your car. There's no reason to watch out for them unless you're in a flying machine or on a broom yourself.

SNACK SABBATH: Have you ever considered starting a band called Snackyl that only plays Jackyl covers but with the lyrics changed to reflect your love of snacks?

Example:

I was born in the snackwoods
Of a two-bit nowhere town
Fathered up some Coca-Cola (baby)
So you muthers could snack on down
I ain't whistling dixie
No, I'm a rebel with a real smooth cock
All around the world they go 'round and 'round
When they dig on my chocolate milk sound

CHORUS
I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm gonna snack you down to size
I'm a lumbersnack baby
And you're the snack that snacks my snack
And when snack snack my snack snacking
You know I snack be snackin' a snack
So I'm gonna show you my dick and snack up and snack snack

I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm a lumbersnack snack baby
I'm a lumbersnack baby
I'm a lumbersnack snacky
But I snack snacked my snacks snack
Since snacks snack snack snacks

MARTIN: Absolutely not. But since you seem to have this band so figured out already I'd be more than happy to join.

SNACK SABBATH: I'll send you demos by the end of the week.

SPEED ROUND!!!

Top 5 favorite snacks of all time in any order you see fit.

MARTIN:
(in no particular order)
1. Big Texas Cinnamon Roll
2. Cinnamon & Sugar Pretzel Sticks from Auntie Anne's Pretzel's
3. Orange Dream Machine from Jamba Juice
4. Perfectly ripe fruit
5. Banana Creme Blast from Sonic Burger

SNACK SABBATH: Coke or Pepsi?

MARTIN: Pepsi by far.

SNACK SABBATH: Most underrated Snack?

MARTIN: Koala Yummies.

SNACK SABBATH: Most overhyped Snack?

MARTIN: Potato Chip.

SNACK SABBATH: And that concludes our interview. Any closing thoughts you would like to add? Perhaps how this was the greatest interview you've ever participated in? What about cock docking? Pretty cool right?

MARTIN: This interview is THE greatest interview I have ever participated in! Isn't that weird!? I would like to add the suggestion of checking out my blog "guttermagic.blogspot.com". It's not updated daily, but enough to be significant. Cock docking, no homo. Look up frotting. Google. com.

Honey Glazed Bun by Rondeau Cookies Limited

The Honey Glazed Bun is part of my breakfast routine more often than I would like to admit. I pretty much never have time to eat breakfast, because as much as I love food, I love sleep equally. Equally, you ask. Yes, but, breakfast involves a chore, and sleeping does not, so I pretty much get a smoothie or random garbage on the way to work every day. On days that I'm late, I go into work first, then head over to the vending machine. I am by far it's best customer. By the time I get to work I am fucking starving and the honey glazed bun just happens to be the largest item up in that bitch, and it's only $1.50. Let me be honest right off the bat: it's not that good. I checked this local companies website for an image of it and they don't even fucking mention it once. I almost feel bad for this slimey, gooey mess of a snack. But I don't. It's sub par, and it's not even that filling either.

A few months ago I was talking to this chick on the internets and pretty much the only thing I would talk to her about was how I was going to put it in her ass. This was not just because I'm a pervert and my mind has been fouled by reading Scotty's posts but also because she was boring and I didn't want to talk to her about much else. This morning snack was as much a morning ritual as talking about deep anal penetration to this girl was, so I soon addressed the topic as "glazing her buns". Pretty soon I figured that honey is yellow, and pee is yellow, so this snack had to be some french guys' dirty metaphor for peeing on a girls' ass cheeks. And I just didn't know if I was into that. Sure, I'll pee on a girl, I guess, like maybe in the shower, which the girl in question had apparently done with an ex before. Like she let him pee in her mouth and shit. Disgusting. But yea, peeing on a girls' ass? That's just fucking weird. It's kind of cool just because it's dirty, and if you're really that horny it probably rules but in general terms, it's just gross and messy. The same mindset applies to this snack. Unless you are starving like me on a monday morning, don't eat this. You will feel the way a girl feels when she just got creamed in the mouth by a guy that doesn't respect her. You thought it was a great idea, cheap and huge, you like the familiar taste, but now you're covered in sticky goo and you feel empty inside. Wow, I'm never going to eat this again. Especially now that I looked at the wrapper and it says 640 motherfucking calories. What the fuck! It's not even that tasty! Fuck this shit, don't eat this. Oh, and I never ended up putting it in that girls ass either because I met a way hotter girl and stopped talking to her, a situation similar to how I'm about to meet a nice Chocolatine Gondole from Andalos and never think about honey glazed buns again.

Interview with John McCain (about snacks)

Snack Sabbath: Well first of all Senator let me say it's an honor to be interviewing you today. I truly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with me and discuss snacking at a governmental level.

Sen. McCain: No problem Sean, it's my pleasure.

Snack Sabbath: Uh, it's Scott actually.

Sen. McCcain: Sorry Scott. You meet so many people when you’re running for leader of the free world that sometimes it's hard to keep names straight.

Snack Sabbath: I can only imagine. I ran for Dong Master of my College fraternity, so I can totally relate.

Sen. McCain: I'm not so sure I'm familiar with the position of "Dong Master".

Snack Sabbath: Don’t worry about it too much. Now moving on to snacking... Given the opportunity to travel back in time and eat any snack that has ever existed what would you eat?

Sen. McCain: Bringing out the big guns right off the bat I see... I know you'll probably think this is too "Vanilla" what with your blackberrys and your microwave popcorns but if I could have any snack ever I would have to say figs. You see Sean, the fig is pure, like America and when you add things like sugar (Mexicans) or bake it in with other fruits (integration) it ruins its natural and delicious God given flavors (white people).

Snack Sabbath: I understand your racist metaphor, but you'd really pick a fig over let's say a banana split or some homemade chocolate chip cookies?

Sen. McCain: Call me old fashioned but I would choose to eat figs over anything any day, they're America's fruit. So yes, figs... Well either that or abortions. Goddamn it abortions are delicious.

Snack Sabbath: Uh... I'm sorry, come again? Did you say you love to eat abortions and then lick your lips and then tuck your boner under your belt buckle so that I wouldn't see it?

Sen. McCain: No I did not. Absolutely not Sean. I'm a Maverick and a Maverick would not participate in these types of activities.

Snack Sabbath: Actually sir, it's Scott. My name... Scott...

Sen. McCain, I'm sure it is.

Snack Sabbath: What's that supposed to mean? Uh… Sir?... Can you please stop that?
(At this point in the interview a pregnant woman walks to the park bench we’re seated on while speaking on her cell phone to what I can only assume is the father of the child she's carrying and it's not going well. Sen. McCain is mumbling something in Latin and feverishly rubbing his testicles over his slacks)

Sen. McCain: Do you think she's going to keep it?

Snack Sabbath: Excuse me?

Sen. McCain: The baby, you maroon, do you think she's going to go the distance?

Snack Sabbath: Whose baby? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. Do you mean the woman on the phone?

Sen. McCain: Oh never mind; you wouldn't understand.
(The pace of his genital rubbing has increased exponentially. He starts to mumble in Latin again. Beads of sweat form on his brow and run down into the deep crevices of his wrinkles and then down both sides of his face)

Snack Sabbath: Uh... What?

Sen. McCain: Listen Steve do you want to talk snacks or what?

Snack Sabbath: Not if you're going to keep slapping around your ding dong like that.

Sen McCain: You don't understand anything. You young people sucking at the teat of the liberal media with your "not letting me eat abortions" and your "making me wipe after I go number two".
(The pregnant woman's phone conversation is getting louder and increasingly aggressive)

Sen McCain: She's going to do it!!!! She's going to have an abortion! Cindy!... Cindy!!... Damn it Cindy bring me my big spoon and my elastic waist jeans! Daddy's eating heathen tonight!

Snack Sabbath: Senator, what are you... What are you doing?
(Senator McCain takes of his pants and smiles ear to ear. He makes eye contact with the woman on the phone and grins, beaming even wider at her. He mouths the word "whorecakes" to her and then spits in his palm. He reaches into his underwear but never breaks eye contact. The woman looks noticeably disturbed)

Sen. McCain (getting louder and louder): ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION!
(Sen. McCain keeps beating his dick off as he screams like a goddamned banshee. Surprisingly his staff doesn't seem the least bit concerned by this. He tries to cover his orgasm by coughing loudly but the hot wet mess in his shorts is evidence enough)

Sen. McCain (out of breath): Fuck I love snacks.

Snack Sabbath: Thanks for the interview I guess.

Sen. McCain (with his eyes closed pinching his nipples, still out of breath): Whoooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeee…

This interview took place on November 2nd 2008 between breakfast and lunch.