Friday, March 20, 2009

Ariel Non-Alcoholic White Wine

I am a delicate flower.
I am the morning dew on ripening fruit.
I am a gentle breeze.
I am a lullaby.
I am a sonnet.
I am fragile porcelain.
I am cold winter nights by the fire.
I am a sun-kissed summer morning.
I am a precious gift.

Finally there's a wine that lets me be all those things while sitting on my couch, going commando under my PJs. The beauty of just wearing jammies around the house (instead of boxers under my jammies) is that when I want to scratch my nutsack my gratification is increased because the amount of material between my soiled fingernails and pebble-pouch is decreased. That my friends is the science of ball scratching.

My knowledge of wine, while limited to what I've seen in Sideways, is as follows:

1. Wine is made of fruits and old age.
2. Wine comes in a bunch of different colours.
3. Wine makes bitches sleepy so you can slap their titties around after they pass out.
5. Wine goes nicely with cheese
4. Cheese's.
5. Cheese is made when you boil up a cows stomach and make it turd into a pasteurizer.
6. Cheese is.

As you can see wine gives you the opportunity to play with a girl's boobies.

Other things that give you the opportunity to play with a girl's fun jugs:

1. Money
2. Fast Cars
3. Shiny Cars
4. Jewels
5. Fame
6. Assumed Fame
7. The Opportunity to Become a Glamour Model
8. Free Dinners
9. The Promise of Free Dinners
10. The Empty Promise of Free Dinners
11. Xbox 360 Achievements.
12. Being held at knifepoint

This wine tastes like a snooty bitch who just had her plumbing douched. This tastes like ramming a fistfull of fruit mash up a catholic school girl's dress. This is like spreading your cheeks for the Queen of France and letting one squeak past so she can see your cornchute swell and crest like the rising tide.

I don't really like wine.

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