Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Chocolate Bun by Rondeau Cookies Limited

If you have been reading this disgusting blog for a while, you might remember the Honey Glazed Bun I reviewed, and how I likened it to peeing on a girls' ass cheeks. Well, up until the other day, I had no idea there was a chocolate version of them. Now, if you know me, if you've ever just vaguely seen me in the corner of your eye in the distance for half a second, you would know that I love chocolate. I was probably eating some right as that happened. So you understand my excitement. I had to buy it, even though I absolutely hated the Honey Glazed Bun. It made me feel like a cheap craigslist prostitute. If it was linked to peeing on a girl, and this is the chocolate version, well... I think you know what I'm getting at.

What I'm getting at, is shitting on a girls tits. I have never taken a dump on a girl before, and I hope I never do (no one knows the future holds), but I'm positive it looks much like this snack. It even looks like one of those incredibly long turds that never break and they roll up into the bowl like a shitsnake. It's like the guy that invented this thought of it while squeezing out a Cobra Turd. It's a reasonable assumption, as most good ideas come to you in the bathroom (I know this because I used to watch that movie about that con guy all the time. You know which one I mean, with the dude that looks like Dana Carvey and possibly is Dana Carvey). I bet the dude saw the cobra dump and scooped it out of the bowl and brought it to his desk and just did extensive research on it until his coworkers called the police because he'd been locked in his office for days and it started to reek and they thought he was dead. A couple of them were actually kind of stoked he was dead because they hated him. Obviously the kind of guy that researches human feces is not the most pleasant of coworkers. Alas, the man lived and this was the result, this is what he attached his name to. When he does die, this is what will go on his tombstone. The Chocolate Bun. Haha, that's actually kind of an awesome nickname. Let's say his name was Louie Tremblay, his tomb would read Louie "Chocolate Buns" Tremblay, because the guy making the stone obviously thought adding the extra "s" was way too good of a prank not to pull. Imagine going to your girlfriends' moms' funeral and you see that tomb and you just start cracking up and she gets super pissed at you and you're just like "Oh come on, chocolate buns" as you pinch her ass and wink at her in a really creepy way. If she laughs, she's a keeper. If she gives you dome in the funeral home bathroom, also.

Anyway, this snack was not that good. Kind of stale. Maybe it had just been sitting in that store for ages because no one buys it because everyone hates Louie Tremblay for ruining funerals all over the province of Quebec. Maybe it's actually really awesome and fresh and full of flavour and awesomeness. Who knows. I'm probably never going to buy one again. But like I said, I don't know what the future holds. I mean it's fucking chocolate, I'm probably going to get one tonight on my way to practice. I have to find out if it was stale or just plain shitty. Then I'll have to go for another because I can't cast my judgment on an even number. And by then I'll probably be totally addicted to the shit, and I will curse Louie Tremblay's name. Louie Tremblay and his addictive chocolate buns.

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