Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Ultimate French Vanilla Milk by Neilson

I picked this up shortly after reviewing the French Vanilla Milkshake, figuring it would be the next Neilson product of amazingness, the next French Vanilla OD, the next cool smooth Milk Shake Frenzy. Boy, was I wrong. I should have noticed this milkshake doesn't even say "Milkshake" at all. It just says "French Vanilla Milk". By the time I had downed half of this thing, and wondered why my mouth wasn't partying harder than a guy in the 1970s, which was when AIDS didn't exist, but the pill did, and acid was still good, and weed wasn't related to radio rap yet. And then I saw it. 160 calories. I remembered that the milkshake had 330. Fuck. This is once again proof that "calories" is an old word from a long gone language of cuisine chefs that translates, basically, to "FLAVOR COUNTRY". This thing is exactly what you would think it is: a flat, boring, stale version of the Milkshake. Basically, it's milk. Fucking milk. Cereal enhancer. But ooh, look, with a hint of "French Vanilla". Whatever. I used to love it, but now I'm not even sure what it is anymore. This thing fucking sucks. You have wronged me, Neilson. There is nothing Ultimate about this product. Well actually, since I now know 'French Vanilla Milk" equals "really boring and pathetic excuse for a milkshake" then yes, I guess this does qualify as the ultimate. Nice one, wise guys. Keep it up. Keep making jokes. We'll see who laughs when I... when... well I guess I got nothing. I'll just have another milkshake, please.

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