Marble Slab Creamery

Your Iced Creams are fucking garbage.

There, it’s out in the open.  I know what you’re thinking, “shut up dickface I love the Blizzard at Dairy Queen, you don’t know anything.” Or occasionally “ My grandma’s homemade ice cream is the best”. Guess what fuckbag, Dairy Queen is for Child Diddlers (that’s pedophile for those of you who don’t speak Shakespeare) and your grandmother is a hooker.

I too had a deep lusting for subpar frozen dairy but it’s only because I was ignorant as fuck to what else was out there. Well this week I had the ignorance of my ice cream perceptions raped off with the mighty dick of The Marble Slab Creamery.

I didn’t even know this was a place like a week ago but now that I know it exists Heaven seems like a pay by the hour motel with crabs and abortion shame on the sheets.

I’ll be straight, this place is fucking expensive; the come-to for my old lady and I was just shy of 15$ which would be absolutely ridiculous to pay for ice cream if it wasn’t  so fucking amazing.

Essentially the premise of this joint is that you get your ice cream (Vanilla, Pumpkin, Birthday Cake etc.) then you pick your “Mixins” (Skor, Gummy Bears, Ding Dongs) and then they take both the ice cream (homemade daily by the way) and the “Mixins” (not homemade but individually wrapped which sucks for mother nature but is awesome for freshness) and then they smash the fuck out of them on a marble slab (hence the name of the place).

After the glorious mashing you get to decide what ice cream delivery vehicle you would like. They pushed the bowl on me but I’m no ones bitch, I knew ahead of time that a plain waffle cone was included and was not about to get fucked out of free food. I didn’t end up taking the plain waffle cone in the end but it’s the principal of the matter that chafes my dick. I ended up hooking up the Butterfinger waffle cone for a whopping 1.45$ extra. But fuck was it worth it. It’s a plain waffle cone rolled (inside and out) in crushed up pieces of Butterfinger.  It’s a diabetic’s nightmare.

I got: The Snickerdoodle which is Vanilla Ice Cream, a Snickers bar, and an ungodly amount of Caramel.

My Old Lady got: The Peanut Butter Crunch which is Swiss Chocolate Ice Cream, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Nestle’s Crunch

Hers was waaaaaayy better but mine was still head and shoulder above every other piece of shit mouthful of ice cream I’ve ever had.

Ups: Everything was fucking amazing. Unbelievably tasty.

Down: Price and my cone had little pieces of Nerds in the bottom which would rule  ordinarily but they were melted in and turned the last inch/inch and a half of my cone to an inedible, rock hard, multi-coloured disaster.

If you’ve been given the chance to eat this and passed it up, your foreskin is longer than your dick and you love to smell your own farts. Eat it or go fuck yourself.