Thursday, December 4, 2008

Miss Vickies Rosemary and Basil Chips

So I'm on a meat hiatus. I know that I'm a fucking viking of a man with an unruly face and stink like cigars and drunk driving. I'm a fucking MAN! I have a thick meaty dick and a wild patch of thick coarse pubic hair. It's because of all these things than I can not eat meat and still get boners. Other men who are less manly and don't possess the essence of virility that I do would have to continue to eat meat. But not I.

So it was because of that that I was on this healthy/hippie shit. Not the lame kind of hippie that holds up peace signs and protests shit, I'm talking about the kind of hippie that gets fucked up and puts his dick in all kinds of sluts. WITH NO RUBBER. I know what you're thinking: "what about STDs?" well let me reply to you by offering a science fact that your mothers and virginal school teachers don't want you to hear: if you lube up your hotdog enough the STDs can't stick to your wing-wang. Yeah. You're welcome. Anyway this hippie thing... I was like "I'm going to stuff my fucking idiot face with these here Rosemary and Basil chips".

Usually I like Miss Vickies, especially because she's not married and I obviously have a chance to bone the shit out of her, but these chips are complete garbage. They taste like a socialist commune. It's the underside of someone's leather sandal. Fuck these chips. They smell like hemp and taste like a sack full of road apples (frozen horse shit that us poor Canadian kids use to play street hockey with when our skates are being sharpened).

Let's run down the list of suck:

1. They're coated in flavoring that is the same color as Caucasian flesh (like mine) so I didn't even notice that my fingers were covered until I looked at the legs of my jogging pants (it's what I use to wipe my hands on)

2. They stink like communism and pro-bono lawyers

3. The bag sucks. It's ugly and there's no lighthouse (a la sea salt and malt vinegar)

4. They taste like chalk and cardboard and handfuls of ass hair

5. They make your mouth dry like you have an allergy to medication

Everything about these chips is a bummer. They will stay in my cupboard until I inevitably spend too much money on comic books (or sex with Asians) and have nothing else to snack on.

So don't buy these unless you have dreads and want to organize a "sit in".

Fuck these chips

*Note: I could not find a picture of these chips online so fuck it I drew it. It's awesome.

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