Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I remember a few years ago at what I think was an Agnostic Front show, someone handed me an orange. I looked at it and said "how do these work?". People laughed and it was quoted for a while. And guess what? Nothing has changed. My boss offered me an orange earlier, and insisted that they were delicious. Having been sick for a while, I caved to his wishes and took it. In a moment of weakness, I thought maybe I had matured since that show, and maybe I needed to start eating oranges. Now, for the record, I do not consider an orange a snack, because I'm not your mom packing you your lunch. But I guess some people actually do consider this a snack, and I review for the people. Even the stupid ones. May they learn a nugget of wisdom from my gigantic all-knowing brain. Here's what I think of your 'oranges'.

First of all, who the fuck wants to peel a snack? The point of a snack is instant gratification. As in, I know what I want, and I want it now*. If I wanted to work for my gratification I would be in the gym, or having meaningful sex. No, a snack is supposed to be like jumping into a pool of everything that is awesome, and drowning, and going to heaven. So right away this "orange" as people like to call it, named after its color, is a huge failure. You have to peel the shit, it sprays juice everywhere, your hands get messy, you stain your pants. It's like losing your virginity all over again.

Once you're done with the peeling and taking off the disgusting white shit (takes about 30 minutes) you can now put a piece of orange in your mouth. This is when you remember exactly why you hate oranges. Biting the thick skin is probably the closest thing to knowing what a vampire feels like when he has to bite a fat old chick. Instead of blood flowing out though, all you get it orange juice. Plain old OJ. I don't get it. Why would I go through all this trouble, all this gross messy bullshit, just to get regular OJ? You would expect fucking OJ Simpson to pop out and confess to the murders for all the trouble you had to go through. Then once the juice is out, you're just chewing on fat skin like a creepy cannibal. Awful. Disturbing. Vile. Orange.

So in conclusion, basically an orange consists of a bunch of small juice containers made out of thick veiny skin, and all of these containers are inside of another, much thicker skin that looks like a mans ass if he had just sat down on a bag of Cheetos. Yea, that sounds delicious, sign me up. Sign me right the fuck up for this party. Oranges. Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I know what you're thinking. But it's good for you, it's healthy, all the vitamins are in the skin. Oh yea? How about I go buy vitamins in a bottle? And orange juice in a bottle? And some chocolate milk and a Zero bar? High five! Oh no wait, you have gross orange juice and goo on your hand. Sorry. Mother nature 0, snack industry 1.

* I want you, 'cause I'm Mr. Vain.


margaux said...

i strongly agree. clementines are sort of worth the trouble but those oranges with the seeds?? are you serious? i have better things to do with my time.

i like this blog :)

jennifer said...

oranges are the best thing to snack whilst stoned. for two reasons: 1. being stoned makes you really want to take the challenge of peeling a fucking orange, at least for me; and 2. when you have major stoner mouth (pasty and dry) nothing quenches that thirst as well as a delicious orange does ;)

Scotty said...

The only snack you should have to peel is the top off a pudding cup or the foreskin back on some hot dude's dick.

colin said...

this blog should have a caveat about not reading it in a really quiet, crowded library

jennifer said...

ya i majorly brings the lawls eh colin?

jennifer said...

by "i" i meant "it" but i too bring them. sure of it.