Friday, December 5, 2008

Munchies BBQ Crunchy Coated Peanuts

Imagine if you will a rose. A solitary red rose. An expression of love. A simple romantic statement. A testament to the perfection of mother nature. Now imagine it covered completely in strippers eating each others' asses right the fuck out. That is exactly what Munchies are like. You take something nature made and then cover it in fucking gold doubloons and video games and Pamela Andersons' breasts. This snack doesn't even make any fucking sense. It's peanuts covered in like fucking delicious chip crumbs and then baked or something. I don't really know how these are concocted but then again I'm a fat slob reviewing snacks and not some fucking doctor of legumes who's planning on reverse engineering peanut snacks.

The first time I had these they were someone else's and being a gentleman (and having them belong to someone's dad) I decided not to steal the whole bag in spite of the fact that every fiber in my body was telling me to club him with a mallet and rob the shit out of them. But instead I left early and bought some on the way home. And then stuffed my face like food would cure my depression or make cute boys ask me to dance.

Of all the snacks I've had the privilege of reviewing this is the closest to perfection (exception: EVERY coke product is perfect and by its very nature, unbeatable). If my mouth could have an orgasm, these nuts would be just the cock to do it. The BBQ smell is amazing. It has that fake zip of every chip bowl from every child's shitty birthday party throughout the history of time. It's crunchy. It's tangy. It's spicy. I don't really know what else I could possibly ask for. The texture is incredible. It's like there's a delicate crunch (for ladies) and then it's immediately followed by a giant man crunch (to weed out the pussies). It has two kinds of crunch! It's a fucking peanut that crunches twice! I'm not sure you can grasp the multi-layered snacking that is really going on here. It's a fucking crunch vortex!

This review was written in two parts because I had to go write some bullshit exam but as I'm leaving work I pass by my buddy Hans' cubicle and guess what the fuck that man is munching on. Munchies! What the fuck. It's an omen. So I'm like "Hans, I'm reviewing that shit right now!" and he's all like "Spoiler just told me that they've had these things in Belgium forever". So Belgium has chocolate, Munchies, and Jean Claude Van Damme. Why the fuck would you ever move? That's the trifecta! You're living the dream!

Back to the review...

These peanuts are amazing. It's like normal peanuts coated in armor that makes them noble but then you're like a big fucking dragon who says "Fuck that. I'm a dragon. Your armor can't protect you against arrows or maybe a broadsword but not against my fucking dragon teeth." And then BAM! you eat them and feel awesome about yourself.

In conclusion, if you don't like these you have an allergy to peanuts and are a pussy and should probably keep taping your glasses and using your asthma pump.

Will make the tip of your cock tingle like someone's rubbing their feet on the carpet while wearing wool socks and then reaching down your shorts.

None (you pussy)

Eat this shit.

1 comment:

c.j.s. said...

the jalapino & cheddar flavored peanuts are totally mindblowing.

or dickblowing.