Thursday, July 3, 2008

Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Stick

What is there to say about Beef Jerky that hasn't been written in the Bible? Not much. 

According to wikipedia: Ancient peoples—for example, the Inca—prepared jerky from the animals they hunted or husbanded. Well I don't know shit about hunting or fucking animals but I do know that man is the greatest animal of all and as a man I deserve to enjoy the world's greatest and oldest salt delivery system: Beef Jerky

With that in mind I sat down with some jerky that's commonly available in my neck of the woods: Jack Link's Kickin' Cajun Kippered Beef Steak.

Ingredients: Beef, Salt, Water, Brown Sugar, Spices, Flavourings (so sketchy), Monosodium Glutamate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrate

I'm going to level with you: Beef Jerky is awful but I think that's a huge part of the charm for me. It's the only time meat gets to be a snack and it's basically designed to be eaten while driving or fishing. 

Right off the bat this jerky stinks. Honestly it smells like Columbus' ship back from the Orient. I'm no jerky connoisseur but this was a lot more stank than the usual commercial jerkys. Also, this thing looks like a belt that my grandfather's had since he got his first boner. But it's par for the course when it comes to salted, spiced meats. 

First bite. My teeth are literally being shoved back up into my gums. Oh my god it fucking hurts. It's not sticking to my teeth so much as it's destroying my will to live. Maybe I'm a pussy who's used to pepperoni sticks (side note: Jack Link's Original X Stick is amazing) but honestly this hurts. It's too thick to be this tough all the way through. Beef Jerky is supposed to be thin enough to snap, not thick enough to bludgeon your mom with when she doesn't let you stay up late enough the watch The Commish.

Moving on to taste. Imagine that you took everything delicious about commercial jerkys and then ignored it, said fuck it and just did whatever the fuck you want. Well it appears someone over at Jack Link's had the foresight to apply such a concept. I don't know what the fuck is Cajun about this. People often get spicy confused with "leave a lump of hot molten lava in the back of your throat". This is no exception. It doesn't taste like anything expect for all-spice and flames. It fucking sucks.

To sum up this was a bummer on all fronts. I know that Jack Link's isn't the gold standard of cured meats but this was the David Hasselhoff of jerky: D-List.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this.

Skip it and find a Slim Jim.

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