Monday, July 28, 2008

Oh Boy! Oberto 100 Calorie Jerky Bites

My old lady bought me these when she was picking up "let's not make babies" pills at the pharmacy yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I've had some of the 100 cal packs before but they were all pretty lackluster. But whatever those are like cookies and crackers and both of those suck ass without lard&sugar/salt respectively. But this is meat so all bets are off.

The first thing that stood out was that there was not a lot of meat in the tiny pack and as a man who eats meat I like my portions like I like my wars on terrorism: unnecessarily huge.

The next thing I noticed was that there was no smell. I know for some people this will be a plus but those people can go suck themselves off. How are my coworkers and neighbors supposed to know how manly I am if they can't smell my beef? Answer: I will have to punch them in face and scream it into their sobbing idiot faces.

My list of petty complaints doesn't end there. All the pieces in my bag were really tiny, like beef flakes instead of thick chunks like I was expecting. I know they're "Bites" and not "Strips" but a bite means splitting the food with your teeth. It refers to the action taken just before chewing. If I can take a handful and head straight to chewing, bypassing biting all together, they should not be called "Bites".

Now for the taste test. It wasn't as spicy or salty as I would've liked but then again I was expecting it to be a little on the bland side. It did however taste like meat which was a pleasant surprise. I sort of half expected it to taste like a shoebox but it was decent. The texture was nice too; thick and tough without feeling like you're eating through a tire.

All in all it's a good enough snack for the healthy-eater set. Low cal, low sodium, low carbs, high protein. In spite of my many complaints I actually did enjoy it a lot and felt less like a dirtbag rapist than I usually do when I eat dried meats. I will definitely eat this again and not just because there are still 7 packs left in the box.

With that said though, I can't give this the Burly-Man-Meat-Eater Seal of Approval, it's just not trashy enough. The fact that this won't fukcing ruin your heart and various arteries worked against it in my rating. It's unfortunate but that the way the beef strips dry.

1 comment:

it's brooke said...

you know...beef jerky is low in calories anyways, so i don't know why this shit sucks so bad. it's like peices of the hooves or something.