Friday, July 4, 2008

Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer


I'm a coke guy, actually diet coke to be specific, and tend to drink nothing but that or water, but I decided recently to scope out what else is out there drink wise. Unless it's a Pepsi product, in which case fuck that, I know where my loyalties lie.

So I'm at the IGA browsing through the soda isle which I'd just like to mention sucks in comparison to American soda isles, and I'm seeing what they have to offer.
Dr. Pepper: good but whatever.
Root Beer: lame.
Cream Soda: I'm not 12.

I need a fucking man's soda. A robust cola or a delicate gentleman's brew. Something that I can be proud to pound straight from the can. And then sitting there in the dull glow of cheap grocery store lighting I found salvation: Golden Cockerel Inn Old English Ginger Beer.

I could tell I was in for a good time right away. One: there's a rooster on the can and I like roosters. Two: it has the word cock in it. Three: it makes me feel like I should go out and fight some orcs or like goblins and shit. I don't know what it is exactly, aside from the combination of so many awesome elements that gives me such a huge boner for this can, but whatever it is it totally makes me grow a big rubbery hog.

It's also important to note that this is made by Canada Dry and while my knowledge of Ginger Ales and Beers isn't Yoda-esque, Canada Dry is the high watermark without question.

Without hesitation I cracked this son of a bitch open. It was glorious. It smelled like orgy fantasies and winning the lottery. It was like ginger ale had been doing roids in the bathroom and then fucking punched through the wall to come out and shake my hand. It smelled sexy and untamed. I felt like I was in the wild west of soft drinks. This motherfucker was pungent. I almost wanted to bottle it and spray in the eyes of my enemies. It was so strong and awesome.

I was so stoked to take my first sip that I almost spilled it all over myself. As soon as it hit my tongue I was in flavour country. It was spicy as fuck. I don't know the difference between ginger ales and beers but I can guess it's about a thousand pounds of flavor. It felt like my tongue was covered in little tiny pins. It was like acupuncture for my taste buds. Sure it hurt, but it hurt the way getting your hair pulled while fucking hurts: rewarding and dangerous.

It was amazing. It was tasty and painful and delightful. It was just a whole fucking ginger experience.

Alright let's wrap it up:

Neg.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore
-Not available in 6, 12, or 24 packs
-Too powerful to be chugged down/not ideal for when you're dying of thirst

Pos.
-Not good for kids or pussies, it is too potent and they will cry like assholes (it will weed out the weak and undeserving)
-Apparently not available anywhere outside of Quebec anymore (it's exclusive. Limited market means more desire for the product. i.e. look at sneakerheads)
-It's the tastiest ginger related beverage I have ever had
-Looking at the can will make you grow an extra dick
-It's incredibly carbonated and that's probably good for you. Air is important or whatever
-It has the greatest name of any beverage ever invented by god or man

I dream to one day have people come to my place and when I offer them a drink I can say "I have coke, orange juice, and a couple cans of COCK" and that will totally be cool. It'll be the fucking hip new slang; The Cockerel will take over.

This is one spicy motherfucker to not be passed up on. Seriously, cop on sight.
110% backed.

8 comments:

linoue said...

hi,

was googling "golden cockerel" cause I can't find it anymore.

Read your blog entry, very funny!

Golden Cockerel is my main ingredient for ginger beer... it is now actually hot here in Montreal(not a complaint).

Need to make a big pitcher of ginger beer with ice... Guess I will have to contact Canada Dry to see where they still sell this stuff.

thx

Spoiler said...

scotty, this was my favorite post so far. that said, if you ever disrespect cream soda again you are fired.

sincerely
ozzy snackborne

rv_131 said...

Hey. I work for pepsi-cola in quebec city and i googled golden cockerel ginger beer because i was curious about its popularity outside quebec. i found your post very interesting i am a big fan of ginger beer. The only format it is available is in 12 cans pack. In quebec city they hold it almost everywhere even though it is more expensive (5-6$) than pepsi, 7up or other cola. try it on a hangover its delicious.

Knightbus said...

Seriously. So delicious. Been enjoying this drink for years now.

hazmat said...

This post was hilarious! I've loved this shit for years.

Old Chinese Fart said...

God damn it, my son. I used to drink this shit when I was a kid back in the 60's. Yes, we kids back then were not pussies like the kids we have nowadays, LOL.

It came in bottles back then and it wasn't from Canada Dry. At least the logo wasn't on the label. Anyway, I have a craving for one now. Only in Quebec, eh?

I'm in BC, so I'm a gonna have to do like that old beer commercial and walk 6, 000 km.

Love your write up........ you rock!

Old Chinese Fart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Svartulfr said...

Let the bodies fall where they may. This IS Ginger Beer the way it should be made. I love this stuff and remember it well from when I was a lad. We need to get this shipped across Canada and not let the Quebecers have all the taste.