Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Cool Ranch Doritos

I don't remember when I had my first taste of this tangy ranch delicacy, but I know I was probably incredibly young and I probably had them in Vermont as they weren't available in my neighborhood for a really long time. Even now I can find it around but it's completely hit or miss.

I've always had a particular affinity for Doritos; the fake cheese taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon orange fingers... It was magic to a kid like me. But then you try a new spin on this old standard and it fucking tosses you on your head. It still constantly blows my mind that Cool Ranch Doritos are so similar to regular Doritos and yet so completely fucking different. It's like when you read a classic Superman story and then you read Superman: Red Son (an "Elseworlds" type story about Superman's rocket landing in Russia instead of the Midwest); it has the bulk of the same elements but with a few "Oh Goddamns" tossed in. Note: Superman: Red Son is the gold standard for modern superhero storytelling.

The beauty of Cool Ranch Doritos is that you still get all the same key shit as you do with regular Doritos; the delicious fake taste, the gum destroying crunch, the neon fingers (sort of an ecru as opposed to orange) but you also get a tangy new twist. It's that tangy explosion that makes the difference. It lends itself extremely well to providing you with a full and complete flavor. With regular Doritos the flavor is limited to the orange dust caked on the outside of the chip but the tangy is like a virus; it embeds itself into the inner workings of the chip so even if you were one of those gross kids who has to lick the fucking taste off of everything before eating it, you're still left with a flavourful chip.

-Delicious taste that is unlike anything found in nature
-Crispy as fuck (unless you get a stale bag which happens altogether too often around Montreal)
-Still stains your fingers but the white is easier to get out when you stain your pants (you will)
-Has been around long enough so you can jock it without feeling like a trend jumper (I'm looking your direction Sweet Chili Heat worshipers)
-Doesn't smell as strong as regular Doritos so when your whole mouth and face stink like junk food for the rest of the day (which they will) it will be a ton more tolerable

-If you don't like Doritos then you won't like these and you're an idiot
-If you like and expect traditional (re: real) ranch flavour you're in the wrong place
-Intense flavor can overpower light-sodas so you're best to stick with Coke or Mr.Pibb over Sprite or Fresca. Exception: Mountain Dew

In conclusion the good clearly outweighs the bad and if you think the bad things are "bad" then you are a pussy who drinks Fresca and does not like his tortillas flavoured to the Nth degree.
Any time I'm headed to the States this is always at the top of my "shit to stock up on so my cupboards have no room for real food" list.
For those of you that aren't already hip to the greatness that is Cool Ranch Doritos, cop a bag and lose yourself in it's delicious synthetic flavours.

P.S. In other countries these are called Cool American Doritos

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