Friday, July 11, 2008


I had my first anchovy at the tender age of 8. I didn't have pubes yet but I did have an unparalleled love for the Ninja Turtles and if they were going to breakdance and eat midget fish then I was too. Breakdancing proved to be too hard and I had to spend the gross majority of my time trying growing pubes anyway so I said fuck it and stuck to eating weirdo fish.

What I noticed right away was how fucking manly I felt. I was able to put fistfuls of complete animals into my mouth at the same time. Entire beings from start to finish, from tip to tail, just stockpiled in my mouth like clowns in a funny car. Completely ridiculous. I felt like an evil ocean overlord. I still get (and love) that feeling.

I know anchovies are like a blanket food in that I'm basically covering the whole anchovy spectrum instead of one specific brand but let's call it like it is; all anchovies taste alike.

I don't view that as a weakness but as a strength. It means you're always guaranteed to get a good batch. What other food can you say that about. Wait, fuck that, what other meat can make a lofty claim along those lines. None.

Fun fact 1:Anchovy is to fish what Cookie Crisp is to cookies. (SAT material)

Fun fact 2:Anchovies occasionally look like vulvas.

I know that a lot of people have beef over the ratio of salty:fishy:acceptable for human consumption (which looks something like 800:800:5) but they're babies who probably poop themselves or have been molested by an uncle (just a hunch). Imagine you stopped walking because using your legs was too hard, well your muscles would atrophy and you would never be able to run away from bears or bees (both are into honey). The same goes for your tongue. It's the most powerful muscle in your body and if you don't challenge it with awesome food like tiny fish that tastes like sour tuna and boogers then you won't be able to enjoy a milkshake or a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (reviewed in the next few weeks) to their full, glorious potential. Why the fuck would you want to do that? Answer: you hate yourself because you were touched inappropriately at a family BBQ.

Here are some more facts about anchovies to reinforce my point:
1. Good on their own
2. Good on pizza
3. Increase the amount of semen that a man produces (check fact with doctor)

In all seriousness though, I've been in love with anchovies since I was a little kid and aside from my vegetarian hiatus these have been a steady part of my diet ever since. I can't think of a single food that can enhance a pizza to the kind of level that anchovies do, nor can I think of an easier, more delicious, or cheaper source of unnecessary sodium. I feel like I've accomplished something after sitting down and eating a tin of these yummy bastards. Like my taste buds have just been sent to boot camp (Maury Povich circa early 2000's). I just feel like I've kicked some salty fish ass, like these little bastards are pissed to have been captured and killed and their final revenge is to explode with intense ocean flavour in your mouth rendering you to tears and/or ulcers but because I'm virile and potent I have powered through and made it out the other side more manly and more full of baby making possibilities than ever before.

Go out and get a couple tins for under a buck, get some saltine crackers, and get some hot mustard and go fucking crazy. You'll either go blind or discover the secret of life.

Good Luck and Godspeed.

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