Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Boylan Grape Soda

I don't care for grape soda. It typically tastes bad and makes me feel incredibly sick. Being a masochist, I decided to sip on some Boylan Grape Soda. It was fucking awesome.

I didn't set out to purchase this drink outright, I initially went on a hunt for some pineapple soda that may or may not have been made by Inca. They sold it at this dollar store in the subway near my old apartment but alas they didn't have any. Determined to not go back to work empty handed I scoped out what else they had. As luck would have it they had fridges stocked with Boylans. I have to admit that in spite of what I consider to be above average snack knowledge this tasty shit managed to evade me. I'll review the other ones I picked up as I go along, but for today it's all about the Grape.

I'm a sucker for soda sweetened with cane sugar so this was already off to a good start. The first thing I noticed was that this fucking concoction smells like medicine. I fucking love medicine so that's another point. Already this drink is above that fucking vile Sangria garbage (FUCK YOU SANGRIA). Without even taking the first sip I knew I was on some fucking magical adventure. I was fucking slaying dragons and wearing my ring of constant erection. My dick was hard as fuck.

So I take a sip. Fuck this is awesome. It tastes like medicine and popsicles and getting a boner while watching girls pee; amazing and amazing.

My whole life I've loathed grape soda. Just out and out wanted to punch myself right in the dick just to avoid drinking it but this fucking blew my mind right back. Just fucking destroyed my preconceptions. It was like the first time I found that Asians can make good lovers.

-The bottle is gorgeous. No fucking around. Just straight to the point. It also tells you it's vintage soda so you know what you're getting yourself into: a big bag of fuck awesome.

-The taste is amazing. It's nothing like real grapes but real grapes suck. I'm not some fucking pussy Ceaser. I don't need the unwashed masses fanning my cock and feeding me grapes. This is some advanced grape shit. It would rip Caligula's mind in fucking half. It would make his horse shit babies and eat his own crazy horse ass. Fuck this is better than grapes.

-It's potent as fuck without being overpowering and making you sick, like all other fucking grape sodas.

-It's classy and I don't feel like some 14 year old girl with racne (aka zits on the tits) when I drink this shit. I am still a man.

-It's still grape soda (but I knew that going in to this arrangement).

In conclusion: WOW. I finally like grape soda. I will continue to drink this. But not too often only when I want to celebrate, like when I'm finally released on parole or getting a new pony.

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