Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Cott Black Cherry Soda

Most black cherry soda makes me want cherry coke so fucking hard that the meat of my dick explodes out of of cock skin. Or maybe something that makes sense. Whatever. I have a pretty smug attitude when it comes to black cherry soda.

So I hooked up some Cott Black Cherry expecting to have my cock explode in vulgar disappointment. But I was pleasantly surprised. Ill admit that I'm still not sold on black cherry soda but this is certainly a step in the right direction.

The first thing that sets this apart from other black cherry sodas is that you can very easily make out the cherry flavor. Its not hidden behind any cola taste. The cherry is right up front. It's clear as day like Bowie's dick in Labyrinth. The cherry is all over this drink like Chris Brown on women. The drawback to it being so very cherry is that most most mouthfuls taste faintly like cough syrup.

When I was 17 I got fucking wrecked on Dimetapp DM; just fucking completely plowed. I stopped at the corner store on my way home from a night out and I was fucking hallucinating my ass off. I thought there were these fucking demons commanding me to buy a carton of 2% milk and slam it down at counter as fast as I could (without engaging in conversation while I did it) or I would fall into and endless vortex of despair. So there I am at 3am, ruined beyond reason, hallucinating, slamming down a carton of milk, spilling shit all down my winter jacket, ignoring the cashier's questions and obvious frustrations. I finished up. Bought a cigar. Went outside. Peed. Dropped the cigar in pee. Went back inside and tried to reason with the cashier that while I was still on their property he was responsible for replacing cigars that were covered in urine. I don't remember what happened after except for waking up on my front steps while my dad looked on disapprovingly.

I'm sure you have deduced that I love cough syrup so that's a definite plus for this beverage.

Alas that was not enough to make it worth my while.

There was barely any carbonation which is a huge bummer for me. I never want my soft drink to be too "soft". I would prefer over-carbonation to under-carbonation. Bubbles are what make soda "not juice". I do not have a need for juice because:
1. I am a man.
2. I don't have a vagina.

End of discussion.

This drink isn't great but so far is the most cherry flavored black cherry drink I've ever had. If you're super into cherry shit then get at this, otherwise, pass. There are too many negatives to this drink to make it a sound beverage investment.

1. It comes in a can
2. It's made with corn syrup
3. It tastes like cough medicine (all kidding aside, cough syrup sucks)
4. It's flat
5. The flavor isn't rich or thick enough

I'll admit I'm becoming a bit of soda snob but this is below almost anyone's standards. I appreciated it for what it was but It's not winning any awards.

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