Friday, February 13, 2009

Jones Green Apple Soda

As I've mentioned before, I am becoming more and more of a soda snob. I am basically becoming a soda elitist which is bullshit because soda is a fucking stupid thing to be a dick about. At any rate I have an aversion to Jones soda because I feel it's incredibly cheesy. While occasionally delicious, it's still pretty lame. I would put it on par with buying a Misfits shirt at Hot Topic. Sure the Misfits are fucking awesome (Danzig era ONLY) but you still got it at Hot Topic. I'm letting my snobbery get in the way of enjoing some soda. Luckily for me Jones Green Apple Soda isn't very good so I don't have to feel bad about being all shitty about it.

I'll be honest, I only bought this because of the novelty. I wanted to be able to add this to my list of beverages consumed. Now that I have, I won't be revisiting it any time soon.

There are a lot of things I don't like about Jones soda, and this drink had all of those in spades.

1. It smells terrible. All Jones sodas smell bad (with the exception of their Root Beer that doesn't smell Root Beery enough), but as far as pure stank goes, this takes the cake. It smells like you fed someone raw dog meat for weeks then ripped their stomach open and harvested their stomach bile. It smells like the inside of a prostitute's mouth. It smells like someone got ass banged with a fistful of lollipops. Nothing about the smell made me want to drink it.

2. Barely carbonated. I crack the lid and I hear that fizziness but that's it. It's done in one shot. There's no fizz left to be enjoyed. This is like the first time every Dungeon Master everywhere has ever had sex, put it in once and it's already over. The old one pump hump. This drink is a premature ejaculator. I got fizz all over my hands but none in my mouth. Lame.

3. The drink itself has no flavor. Maybe the faintest hint of candies but it's not like when you're drinking a Coke: you know what the fuck it is you're drinking. The only way I would have been able to identify this blindfolded was because of the aftertaste. This is like getting raped by the Flash (in this scenario; Barry Allen). You only know what happened after it's over and your ass is bleeding and you have 3rd degree burns all up and down your crack. And then the burns and cuts start to heal but they scab over so every time you fart it pops the scabs and then you bleed and it ruins your underpants. And then your mom is pissed that you keep ruining your gear so to punish you she won't let you watch the Cosby show so you pack up your comics and then fucking run away from home. And then you meet a nice guy at the bus depot who says he wants you to model for him and then you feel good about yourself. You feel gorgeous and glamorous. You're going to be a model. And then you get to his studio/1 bedroom apt. and he makes you take your top off and then he shows you his dick. Nothing is working out in your favor. All that to say you can tell it's green apple only after you've swallowed a mouthful.

This drink is pretty lame. Everything about it is sub par. I had no delusions that any Jones soda would be delicious and I wasn't disappointed with this as a result. I would only recommend drinking this if you're somehow obsessed with green apple soda or you're going to get your glow sticks, take some mdma, and fucking rave all night.


aaron said...

soda is an awesome thing to be a dick about because no one ever sees it coming. no one's going to bite your style if you're dogging on people for the soda they drink.

if you're trying to get into soda you need to check out this website. they deliver to canada but it'll probably be really expensive. i've only bought from them a couple of time because paying 50 dollars for 12 bottles of soda is such a low-key douchebag thing to do.

Scotty said...

Dude I found this place in California called Real Soda in Real Bottles and they can ship me a palette for 700$. I don't know that I can justify buying 72 cases of soda at a time. But fuck would it be awesome.

Soda Pop Stop is fucking cool too. They sell glass bottles of Crush which is incredible.