Monday, February 16, 2009

Extreme Sour Warheads

I am a man.
I am strong and able to resist above average amounts of pain. I can carry hammers and bricks and I can juggle cattle. I can drive fast in my car and curse at women. I can show you my dick and poop in a hat. I can punch a hole in drywall and show you my dick. I can you show you my dick. You will see my dick.

I can accomplish all these fucking impressive tasks but I can't eat Warheads without making a face like a fucking anus. These things are brutal. They taste like getting caught beating off and then instead of being awkward and surprised and leaving the room immediately, your mom continues to watch you rub one right out. It's like stuffing a lemon with battery acid and then funneling it into your urethra.

The candy itself is delicious once you can get past the mouth ravaging hellfire that is its sourness. The tangyness protects the sweet nectar inside. It's like a sour chastity belt keeping me from tonguing the sweet vagina within.

This candy sucks. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to eat anything that makes your eyes water and makes your soul leave your body and piss on a garbage bag full of dead kittens.

I hate this candy. It just fucking hurts. The sweetness of the candy is not reward enough to suffer through boils on your cheeks and tongue.

This candy is fucking amateur. We're fucking done professionally.

This candy is fucking stupid and if you eat this you probably fucking hate yourself to the point where you can only achieve orgasm if someone's punching you in the back of the head or choking the fucking life out of you. Fuck your stupid life.

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