Friday, February 20, 2009

Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses

I've had these things sitting in my fridge since Christmas and for some reason kept putting off eating them until now. I like Kisses well enough I guess but I wasn't expecting to have my taste buds put in some sort of cross-face leg lock and get the pubic hair of deliciousness rubbed all up against my cheeks and tongue.

First off, this is white chocolate and white chocolate unlike white lovers is the greatest chocolate a man can have. The reason that joke works is because typically black dudes have giant hogs. This one time back at my old place, Hans (who's black) thought it wise to show me and Vinny the base of his shaft. It was like a baby's arm. His pecker will wreck your box. You will beg him for mercy. He'll stick his wiener where your lunch goes (all in your guts).

Secondly, and I know the picture doesn't do it justice, there are little fragments of candy cane peppered throughout the chocolate to cool your mouth and melt your face simultaneously.

This is a genius combination. As a staunch believer in not mixing chocolate with anything ever (with exception of hot peppers, no joke) this was a surprising delight. It's like the first time you get pooped on. You're like oh there's no way this is going to end well, but if this is only way I can lay on my back and stare up into the chasm of your vagina then fuck it, I'm in. Release your waste as need be. I need to see your cooter, even if it means taking a load on the neck and chest. And the poop poop splashes down on you and it's warm and squishy. And you're in love and you cum right away. And it's great.

This candy is like having someone make poop on you while chewing gum and then cuming on your stomach hairs. FYI, ejaculate, like hot peppers, is not water soluble. You just need to get some steel wool and an emery board and just file it down and scrub until you're fucking bleeding like Mick Foley.

I like to eat candies.

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