Thursday, February 12, 2009

Domingo Peach and Berry Bullshit Wine Coolers

Have you ever walked by a mall food court and wondered what the 50 year old in the skin tight mini skirt drinks after workouts or while tanning by her above-ground pool? Answer: Wine Coolers.

They sit on their pleather couches watching LOST reruns just so they can slow-motion scenes where Sawyer's not wearing a shirt. Then it's off to the dry cleaners to pick up their best leopard print dress. They get dressed, paint their lips the darkest crimson, and drink Fuzzy Navels/Sex on the Beachs until they lose the ability to use vowels. They're out at their Cougar bar degrading the fuck out of themselves because they're desperate to feel some young hot johnson between their spray on tanned boobies. To them Young Cock=Self-Worth. (See below).

Both these wine coolers suck. They don't taste like the fruit they are supposed to. Instead they taste like desperation and playing spin the bottle with 13 year olds. This drink is for females desperate to be women, either too young to grow pubes (or to get preggers. Wink wink) or alternately too old to get wet vaginas without the aid of oils and balms.

Both these drinks taste like Calgon body spray. They taste more like fruit perfume than fruit. Also the fact that these come in cans is certainly not helping the taste any.

These drinks suck. They would be better if they came with their own MILFs: looking to relieve the pain of their kids moving out and going to college by having someone fuck it out of them.

But that's not the case. Sadly.

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